Take it one gigantic, earth-shattering crisis at a time.

I feel....lost.

2012-01-13T21:16:00.002-05:00

I've been in a REALLY bad place lately. And I cant even talk about it. Theres one person in the whole world who knows everything. I'll call her Poodle. Poodle has been my fucking rock. The ONE person to stand by me holding my hand through everything, regardless of my choices. If it wasnt for her, I would have totally crumbled. Words cannot even describe how lucky I am to have her in my life.

Some shit went down in 2011, that I will never EVER forgive myself for or forget. Ever. I'm trying to be a whole person again. But I dont think its possible. I dont know what to do or where to go. I feel alone and sad. Let me clarify that my divorce has ZERO to do with anything I am feeling. That was the best thing to come out of 2011.

I think I'm going to start writing again more frequently. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it wont. Who the fuck knows.

I just know I need something.

Geez its been forever...

2011-07-03T11:52:00.003-04:00

I havent disappeared. I'm still here and stronger than ever. :)

I will officially be divorced as of 11-7-11. Its a ways off, but whatever. It'll be here before I know it.

Speaking of the divorce....I'm changing my last name. I clearly dont want the one I have now, I dont want to go back to my first married name and I never really liked my maiden name. So...I'm picking something new. Something just for me. I'm just not sure what its gonna be yet. But I have till November to pick something. Any thoughts?

My life is going pretttty great right now.

I've lost 28lbs.
I'm happy and smiling.
My makeup business is doing well.
I still love my job ( we just celebrated 1 year a couple of weeks ago)
I have people in my life that I love and care about, and they feel the same. Imagine THAT!!
Ooooo, I've gotten some new tattoos...Have I mentioned how much I love tattoos?? Cause I DO. A lot. Someday when I'm independently wealthy, I'll be COVERED in them. :)

Really, I'm just loving life. I'm not angry or sad anymore. And it feels fucking GREAT!

Sometimes...

2011-04-06T16:12:00.002-04:00

...when I think about all the shit I put my body through while trying to get pregnant, it makes me REALLY FUCKING MAD! I just went back and read some old posts of mine. And it pissed me right the fuck off. Grrrrrrrr!!

I beat the fuck out of myself for years both mentally and physically. And for what? Nothing. I'M fine. Motherfucker!

*deep breath*

I am actually pretty fucking happy that I didnt get pregnant. I probably would have stayed with K if I had. And that would have been just awful. There is NO way I could have spent the rest of my life with him. NO FUCKING WAY.

*deeper breath*

I'd still love another child. But lets face it. I'm done. And honestly, I'm 99% OK with that. Just that teent tiny 1% in the back of my mind, every now and again....but its OK.

I'm happy. My son is happy. Life is pretty fuckin good right now.

OK, thats it. End rant.

Its crazy...

2011-03-19T16:31:00.002-04:00

I love my life right now.

Yes, I'm going to be divorced soon. Yes, I'm alone. Yes, I'm struggling.

But, damn! This is the happiest I have been in YEARS. I'm not even kidding. I smile more now, than I have in the past year combined. I laugh, a lot. I feel good about ME. I. Love. My. Life.

Who knew?!

I havent cried in a WHILE!

2011-03-13T17:53:00.001-04:00

I feel good. I feel REALLY good.

Thats it, I just wanted to share that seeing as all the previous posts were all doom and gloom.

I'm alive and doing really fuckin well. :)

He took his ring off...

2011-02-14T21:35:00.004-05:00

I dont know why this has hurt me as much as it has. But it felt like someone pried my heart out with a blade when he told me that. I still havent taken my rings off. I'm scared to. Despite everything that he has said and done to me, I still love him. Even though I know he'll never be OK enough to be my husband, I'm scared to file for the divorce. I love him. Even though he is talking to women at the bar, I still love him. Even though I know I will never be able to trust him, I still love him.

Why cant I just let go? Why cant I move on? Why can he???

Yesterday was my birthday and I spent 98% of it crying. The other 2% was spent pretending to be happy for other peoples benefit.

He came by and left a gift outside my door. And that made me cry even harder.

I'm sitting here crying now. While he is most likely sleeping. I cant catch my breath. My chest feels like there is a boulder sitting on it. My throat feels tight. My sinuses have slammed shut. My head is pounding. My eyes feel like they are triple the size they should be.
I have to cry quietly because I dont want my son to hear me. He is doing really well. I CANNOT undo that.

What is wrong with me?! Why cant I just let this go???

He can. But I cant seem to.

February.

2011-01-31T10:14:00.003-05:00

I hate it. For 2 reasons.

1.) Valentines day. Fuck it. I wasnt very fond of it before and now, I LOATH it. Seriously. Its made for people in love. Flowers and sentimental cards. Hugs and kisses. Snuggles with your other half. Argh!! Where does that leave me? I'll tell you where....it leaves me alone. My husband is gone.
Looks like this Valentines day will be spent with the only man in my life. My Monkey. Good thing he is so friggin cute!

and....

2.) My 31st birthday. I'd take Valentines day over that ANY day! thirtyfuckingone. This is not where I was supposed to be at age 31. Going through my second divorce. Alone and a single mother, AGAIN. Living in an apartment that I cant afford. Living from meager pay check to pay check. Turning to my family to bail my ass out of my financial rut.
Dont get me wrong, I fucking adore my job! I mean it. I really and truly LOVE it. Its seriously the best job I have EVER had. The girls I work with are part of my family and I love them all. I just dont make a whole lot. Yet. I'll get some part time work, just to have a little more moolah coming in.
And as for my family....well, I'd be fucked without them. And my cats would probably have starved to death. And I wouldnt be able to drive anywhere in the winter. I wouldnt have a shoulder to cry on. And I would just be utterly screwed.

But 31 is leaving an extremely sour taste in my mouth, a lump in my throat and a squishy feeling in my tummy. I hate it.
I was supposed to be married. Happily ever after. I was supposed to have 2 or 3 kids. I wasnt supposed to be THIS way! I was supposed to be OK.

And right now, I'm none of those things.

So in summation....FUCK FEBRUARY.

Why do I hurt?

2011-01-22T09:10:00.002-05:00

When I asked WHY I was hurting so badly and why I am the only one hurting, a friend of mine told me this:

Because you love. You put yourself out there, the only way to be. Some people are somehow able to up and leave a situation without feeling it. They are not capable of really loving anything. You will survive. You will love and you will be loved. Its not your fault you feel things to your core. You are human- sensitive. Some people never feel what you feel because they can't. You have nothing to hide. You can stand there and know you live up front, real, and sincerely. I'm very sorry you have to feel like this, and it may be cold comfort, but it serves as an affirmation of who you are. You're a good person.

And somehow, it made me feel a little better.

Good days and bad days?

2011-01-17T09:38:00.002-05:00

I've been told I am going to have good days and bad days. So far those good days havent shown up. They are all bad days. Some worse than others, but all bad.

I have a constant knot in my stomach. I feel sick. Just a constant feeling of unease. It seems I am always moments away from tears.
I take a deep breath to steady myself, and sometimes it helps a little. But usually not. Usually, I still feel like I cant breathe. Like I have this enormous weight pressing down on me. Keeping me from filling my lungs.

A friend of mine sent this to me last night:

The crushing mountain of sorrow eventually becomes a boulder on your back, then a rock in your pocket, then a pebble in your shoe, then nothing at all- not because circumstances change but because you become strong enough to handle reality with ease.

I hope this is true. But right now, this is one giant fucking mountain of sorrow. I cant breathe, I cant eat, I cant seem to feel human. My heart aches and my head is swimming.

I just want it all to go away.

Pain like I've never felt before.

2011-01-16T19:35:00.003-05:00

My husband and I are getting a divorce.

My heart is broken.

I feel like I've come apart at the seems.

Monkey is devastated. And it KILLS me to see him so utterly shattered. My heart breaks a little more every time I see him hurting. As a mother, its my job to protect him. And I cant protect him from this. Its our reality. My husband and I are getting divorced.

I try to put on a smile and go about our lives. For him.

But now, when I'm all alone (Monkey is at his daddys house) I feel like I'm dying. I wander around not knowing what to do with myself. And I cry. I cry when I think about my son being sad. I cry when I think about my marriage ending. I cry when I see something that reminds of K. I cry when I look at his cat, who is so sad now that he isnt here. I cry when I think about being alone. I cry when I think about being a single mother again.

I just cry. A lot.

I'm in a bad place right now. And I need to find my way out. I need to be OK for my son. I have to pull it together.

I just dont know if I can...

Who doesnt want to be "naked"??

2011-01-04T21:33:00.002-05:00

Love Urban Decay? OMG! Me too! Well this lovely lady is doing a pretty sweet giveaway....

Go check it out!

Thank you, that is all.

Again.

2011..

2011-01-02T15:39:00.002-05:00

Dear 2011,

Though we've just met, I feel I need to warn you....I have some expectations of you. I dont expect perfection. I dont expect everything to go exactly as I've planned. I just need you to be better to me than 2010 was. Its not really too much to ask. We both already know that this upcoming year isnt going to be an easy one. But I have faith that we can handle it. Together.

Some tough things lie ahead of us. And while I'm not looking forward to them.....they have become necessary. All I ask is you use a little lube before fucking me. M'kay?

Thank you, that is all.

Love,

Me

I should NOT be left to my own devises....

2010-11-30T10:59:00.003-05:00

I decided I wanted to go blonde.

I am an idiot.

I am not blonde.

I am now an odd mix of orange, red, mud, ass.

And? My fucking hair is FRIED. It hates me. I hate it. I no longer have working relationship with my hair. Its shorter now because it was pretty damaged and needed to be cut. Its spongy, and frizzy, and full of static. And I am an asshole. What the hell was I thinking trying to make almost black hair blonde?!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Now, to be fair, it is NOT my hairdressers fault. You can only lift dark colored hair so far. She did her best. She also tried her absolute best to talk me out of it.

In a few days I will be getting a nicer shade of red put over it. I'm trying to let it "heal".

Bahahahahahahaha!! Heal. Pfffft! I'd need to shave my head and start over for it to be healthy again.

I need a keeper. Someone to say " YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE! DONT DO THAT!!"

*sigh* Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hide my clippers so I dont do something I'll regret tomorrow.

I must be out of my fucking mind.....

2010-11-28T11:11:00.004-05:00

*sigh*

We're moving. Again. In 17 days.

Yea, thats right. 10 friggin days before Xmas. 5 days before my husbands birthday. And? ON my sons birthday. I'm certain I've officially lost my fucking mind. I mean, normal people dont move in December, right? Especially 10 days before Xmas! I'm feeling panicky, stressed, and cranky as fuck. Which is seriously messing with my holiday spirit.

Speaking of spirits....I made Skittles Vodka.

Get four packages of Skittles and 5 mason jars.
Sort the skittles into colors
Put one color into each mason jar
add 1 and 1/2 to 2 cups of your favorite vodka to each mason jar.
Let sit for minimum 3 days, shaking the jars daily.
When all the candy has dissolved, strain it through cheese cloth.

You can either drink it straight (gag) or mix it into sprite or fresca...or whatever.

Pretty damn tasty! I plan on making Jolly Rancher Vodka next. MmmMmmMm!

Temptu Airbrush.....for FREEEEEEE?

2010-11-26T20:56:00.002-05:00

Go HERE to enter to win....I did! I freakin want this!

Also? I just scored $157.00 dollars worth of Urban Decay eye shadows for.......$48.freakin dollars! Black Friday, has done me well. Go to their website. Check it out. But first go enter the contest. No....wait.....dont! I want to win. Or maybe if you win, you can just give it to me? That'll work too.

Either way....

OoooOoO!! And? I am also now a M.A.C pro member. Know what that means? It means that THIS bitch, gets 40% off M.A.C cosmetics!! Oh yea. I could get into serious trouble....Mwahahahahahahahaha!!

Meet Snooki!

2010-11-01T22:04:00.003-04:00

We got a kitten! She is about 4 weeks old and as cute as hell. The poor baby was abandoned at 3 weeks old. Some sick fuck stuffed her in a mailbox. In fucking October. What kind of monster does that kind of shit!?

A friend of mine was fostering her but couldnt keep her because her dog wanted to make a chew toy out of her. Whoa...I just said her A LOT. Heh. Her her her. Now it sounds like I'm laughing.

Aaaanywho....where was I? Oh! Right, Ashley couldnt keep the kitten and so we adopted her.

Fabulous story, no?

Sorry to let you down....

2010-10-28T09:29:00.003-04:00

I feel bad. I've noticed there are still a lot of people coming here from a Google search of "11dpo" or "11dpo and scared to test" or "faint line at 11dpo" or something of that nature.

Sorry to disappoint you guys.

I'm certain anyone searching those things is having a hard time TTC, and going to a blog where you think maybe just maybe you might find something that will give you hope only to find a blog that well....doesn't, must suck.
There is no hope to be found on this blog. Just me. The formally infertile makeup artist. I say formerly infertile because I fucking quit being infertile. And yes, you totally CAN do that. Don't argue. Just smile and nod and then close your browser. You may then go tell your husband/partner that you found a blog of a crazy woman who thinks you can just quit being infertile. Its OK, I don't mind. :)

Aaaaany who.

I guess this is my way of saying sorry to all those who may end up here looking for something to help them, or someone to relate to. I'm no longer going through treatments. I have disowned my doctors. I refuse to inject myself with hormones or have multiple people staring at my vag and or cervix on a monthly basis. So, I guess you wont relate to me. Unless you too are a quitter. Or love makeup. or have a potty mouth.

You may not find what you're looking for here....but if you go through my list of blogs over there on the side and my comments, there are some really fucking awesome people who are probably going through or have gone through all of the same shit you are! Go read their blogs, because they are good people with lots of experience in this area. I mean, feel free to hang around here if you like. I love my readers. Just know that it is HIGHLY unlikely to find things on the whole TTC front.

Mkay?

There. I feel a little better now.

Officially official.

2010-10-13T15:06:00.002-04:00

On Monday, I became a REAL makeup artist! Wooty woo!

I got a 101 on my written and I did pretty damn good on the practical portion as well.

I've got my business cards, I'm booking a photographer to take some pictures for my portfolio, I've got clients on the book, its all coming together. Yessss!

Perhaps its almost time to tell Walgreens to suck a dick? Hmmmmmm, perhaps.

Oh! And, I'm joining a gym. Again. But for real this time. I am the heaviest I have ever been save for being pregnant and shortly thereafter. I cant do it anymore. This being fat thing? It sucks. A lot.

And thats it. Thats all I have to share. I think.....

Yep, thats it.

Peace out bitches.

But really, you know I love you guys, right? Cause I do.

Avant garde makeup

2010-09-28T08:38:00.003-04:00

Last night was avant garde makeup night. We had to do it on ourselves, which is actually harder than I thought it was gonna be. It was kinda awkward, but super fun. Turns out I really like Avant garde/theatrical makeup. LOL Too bad not very many of my clients will be looking to get this type of look. Maybe I'll become a face painter at a carnival. I've always wanted to be a carnie.

I need a name. Or a "slogan". Or something.

Not to sound like an asshole, but.....

2010-09-21T08:24:00.004-04:00

I am definitely the best in my class.

Seriously. There is one other chick there thats decent, but I'm totally the best. We had class last night and one of the girls did my makeup. I'll show you the picture, and let you make your judgements. Then I'll tell you about it.

OK. Did ya get a good look? Go ahead, I'll wait......

Good? Awesome.

So, let me start by saying I have no problem with the colors. I actually like the colors and have worn them on many occasions. With a little tweaking, this could be ok. What def was NOT OK was A.) how long I sat in that chair getting mauled and B.) OMG! She mauled me! My eyes and the surrounding skin are PISSED!

She was brutal. When I do makeup, I'm extremely careful as to how much pressure I use and how rough I'm being. You don't press hard, you don't scrub, you don't poke. Especially around the eyes! You just don't. As a matter of fact, I did four faces this weekend at the salon and ALL of them told me how relaxing it was. They enjoyed getting their makeup done. Thats how its supposed to be.

I DID NOT ENJOY GETTING MY MAKEUP DONE. It hurt. If I had been paying for that, I would have flipped my shit. Unprofessional. And so not relaxing. My eyes are still irritated.

She used baby wipes on my face. Her brushes smelled. She was too fucking rough. She had ZERO confidence (which will sabotage you before you even start). She pulled/stretched/poked/scrubbed/irritated my eyes far too much. I had to tell her she missed steps. Her fake ass nails are too long to be doing makeup. She had no professionalism.

All in all? EPIC FAIL.

Now, if you'll excuse me....I'm going to to go nurse my eyes back to health so I can put some makeup on later.

**Oh and sorry, Martin. No anal bleaching.**

Worst freakin blogger, evar!

2010-09-12T17:16:00.004-04:00

Apparently, when I'm not angry, sad or suffering in some way....I've got nothing to say. I don't seem to be writing nearly as much since I decided to tell IF and all that goes with it, to fuck off. I guess I'm just more verbose when there is something bad/hard/scary/sad going on.

I mean don't get me wrong, I've got my fair share of drama and shit. I just don't seem to want to write about it. Its different. I don't feel like I belong to the same community, so I don't put all my woes out there like I used to.

Some of the things rattling around in my head should just stay there anyway, so I guess thats for the best.

See? Like right now? I feel like I am writing, just to write. There is no real reason other than to just see the words appear on the screen. Bah! Laaaaame.

*sigh*

This is probably one of the worst posts I've ever done. I really have nothing (that I'm willing) to share here. I don't belong here anymore.

I quit being infertile.

What? you didn't know you can just quit?! You totally can! I did. Did you notice I got rid of my spermy header? Gone! Just like that. I shifted some of the IF related things to the bottom of the page ( I imagine I'll get rid of them someday...) I don't really feel like crying anymore when I hear of someone getting pregnant. I'm done. Its really weird. Like a switch flipped.

So, because I am no longer actively trying to get myself knocked up....I am no longer infertile. Put THAT in your juice box and suck it!

One day later....

2010-08-29T20:41:00.005-04:00

I shouldnt be able to function today. I should have had a MASSIVE hangover. Much booze was consumed. But I'm fine. Hella tired, but no hangover. Amazing.

Here, look at some (I have probably about 200 pics from the party! Dont worry I wont put them ALL on here) pictures while I catch some z's.....

Four days

2010-08-24T11:14:00.002-04:00

Until my yard will be filled with Zombies from all walks of life.....and my fucking "costume" pieces aren't here yet! Gah!

I've got some of my makeup. And thats it! I've put so much time, effort and money into this damn thing and watch, it wont get here on time! Color me pissed.

Speaking of makeup, I started my makeup artistry class. Last night was my second week. Thus far, I've learned.....um....not much. I already knew what they were teaching. Huh. Hopefully, I didn't just spend an ass load of money to be taught what I already know. Hopefully, my life sized barbie doll of a teacher will WOW me with something new and exciting.

We did each others makeup last night, and of course I got stuck with the foreign chick. I did her makeup flawlessly.

She, did not return the favor.

I ended up with HOT PINK shadow allllll over my eyes and the surrounding skin. I looked the a drunk tranny, on meth. Not a good look. At all.

And my instructor? Bah! She seriously looks like a life sized barbie. Except with jet black, obviously colored hair. And her hands smelled like garlic and something else. I'm not even kidding. Could she have not washed her stinking hands before pawing my delicate face?! What the fuck. I don't want to smell that! And I'm sure none of her clients would want to either.

Oh well, whatever. Its a necessary evil.

And thats whats going on right now. I can tell you're intrigued.

Its that time of year again! Squeeeeee!

2010-08-08T21:13:00.004-04:00

Yes, lovers, its August. And August means two things in Sarahville. It means another year of marriage and it means....The 2nd annual Zombie BBQ!!

I'm pretty excited. This years costume is gonna be SO much fun. No one knows what kind of zombie I'm going to be, not even my husband. Who by the way, has a hilarious costume up his sleeve.

The party is August 28th, and I will be sure to post pictures asap. If ya wanna see'em that is....

Do ya? Wanna see'um? Yea, you do!!

Dirty little secret.

2010-08-02T20:12:00.004-04:00

IF, IUI's, Obsessing, IVF.....the whole thing. I think I'm done. I've been through enough. I'm tired. Emotionally and physically. Its just gotten so tiresome to be infertile lately. Y'know?

I guess I've been thinking about it for a little while, but it finally caught up to me. There are so many reasons to stop. The only reason to keep going with all of this bullshit, is to have a baby. Duh? I mean, I wanted a baby so badly it was all I could think about for so many years. But now.....I just don't think this is right for me. Not that I wouldn't be absolutely ecstatic if I were to actually become pregnant. Because clearly, I would. Honestly. But...to keep going the way I've been going? Count me out.

I'm 30. Not that 30 is all that old. I know its not, settle down! Its just that I wanted to be DONE with having babies by now. Or at the very least be on my way to being done. Not moving to IVF. That was never in my wildest dreams. Or nightmares, as the case may be. Not that any of you or anyone for that matter actually dreams of going through this. I know the hell that this has become, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But I was SUPPOSED to be done by now.

I never wanted my children to be 9 years apart. Let alone 10-11. Or more. That just wasn't the way it was SUPPOSED to be. Not the way I want it to be. Originally, I wanted my children to be 2-3 years apart. My first divorce put the kibash on that. Damn him. Whatever.
Then, I was OK with them being 7 or so years apart, that obviously didn't happen.
Monkey is going to be 10 in December. 10! Which would mean he would be getting very close to 11 years old or maybe even older, if I ever actually gave birth again. Because who knows how long this shit really takes. Could be another 7 months before anything even happened. That just is not the way I planned it, goddammit!

This path, is a very rough path to be on and just doesn't seem like one I care to travel any longer.

I do believe my TTC journey is over....At least in the medical aspect. No more Doctors. If it happens, it happens. If not, well, I don't know. I don't know what will become of my blog. I don't know if I'll continue to write. If I do, I don't know what I'll write about. There are a lot of things I don't know. But I DO know, I'll still be reading.

So,am I superbly selfish? I feel like I might be.

Then again, I have been known to change my mind......so who knows. I am only 30 after all.

Teena strikes again!

2010-07-10T20:55:00.003-04:00

Two years running.....

Thanks again, Teena!

And thank all of you, for sticking around for two years!

XOXO

We'll call this, The one with two guys and two girls....

2010-07-07T18:57:00.002-04:00

Yea, I had myself a foursome today. It was me, another chick and two dudes. Hot, right?!

Only if you consider having three people look at your cervix and uterus hot. Hot...ridiculously awkward. Whateve.

I had my mock transfer and saline sonogram today. Piece of cake. No pain what so ever. Very, very mild cramping. What the hell was I so worried about?!
MY doctor even did it, which shocked the shit outta me. And? He brought a friend! This poor guy looked more mortified than I was. He was probably a good 5-6 years younger than me and to his horror he had to look at my vag, cervix and ute. I think what did him in was looking at my face before my lady bits. He kinda checked me out and made eye contact before they started diggin around down there. Poor kid. It was almost nice to have someone else be uncomfortable with all of it. Misery does love company after all. Then there was the helpy helper there to hand Dr. E all his tools. She was quite amused by me. I asked if they were expecting an explosion or something, because they had everything covered with those absorbent pad things. Long story short, they loved my uterus. Dr. E said it was perfect and he couldn't ask for a better one. Yay me....and uh, yay my uterus too! He also said I have a nice big follie ready to bust very soon. And to get busy. Pffft! Yea, like sex does any good when it comes to TTC. Riiiiiiight. We all know sex doesn't make babies. Helloooooo? Would I have been there having three fucking people dig around in my vagina if it did?! I submit that I would NOT!

So yea. Thats it. Perfect ute. One big follie. No pain at all. Niiiiiiice.

Now I just need to figure out how the fuck I'm going to A.)lose all this weight and B.) quit smoking without killing my husband or someone else.

Any brilliant ideas?

Nothing spells fun like...

2010-07-06T09:21:00.002-04:00

Having a catheter shoved through your cervix and having your ute filled with saline!

Woooooo!

Tomorrows the day. I did call my clinic, just to verify that a CD12 Saline sonogram was OK, and apparently it is. Ooookay. I guess they know what they are doing.

I've debated canceling this appointment a million times. I just dont want to do it. Any of it. I am so over all of this crap.

So many people say to me when they hear about all of this "but..there isnt anything wrong with YOU! Why do you have to go through all of this?!" My response... "I'm just lucky, I guess. Women get all the fun, regardless." And its true isnt it? We do get all the fun! Really.

Daily injections...
A body FULL of extra hormones...
Dildo cams...
hordes of people seeing our lady bits...
hot flashes...
needles...
Sore boobs...
mixing medications...
pio shots...
HSG's...
Saline sonograms...
missing work to go to the RE's office...
Nausea...
Retrievals...
Swollen and painful ovaries...
About a billion blood draws...
OHSS...
Transfers...
bruised bellies...
Mood swings...
Answering stupid questions form stupid people...
ALL the fun side effects of the above mentioned extra hormones...
trying to explain to our bosses WHY we need certain days off...
The anxiety of all those things I just mentioned...
And dont forget child birth!

Yea, gooooooooood times.

We. Are. SO. Fucking. Spoiled!!

Saline sonogram on CD 12?

2010-06-30T16:54:00.002-04:00

Is it me, or does that seem to be a little late in the cycle? Maybe I'm wrong, but I could have sworn it was supposed to be done earlier. Any thoughts?

Regardless of when its getting done, I dont want to do it. Bah. Thats about it on the TTC front. My period came and went and now I'm waiting for the 7th of July to have my ute filled with saline. Woo hoo?

I.Have.To.Lose.Weight! Like now. Its ridiculous. I cant do this IVF crap being this freakin hefty. I'm considering becoming a vegetarian, again. *sigh* Its so easy to gain the weight, it should be just as easy to lose it! But nooooooooo.

This post has no rhyme nor reason. Its basically just some shit I felt the need to jot down. Are you excited?! You should be. Or not, I really dont care.

*sigh*

Whatever.

Its official.

2010-06-22T17:36:00.002-04:00

I have officially had it with Walgreens. This past Saturday, I put in my two weeks notice. Sorta. I will continue to work there one day a week(ish) just for a little extra moolah.

What am I going to do with my time you ask? Well for starters, I've got another job. I will be working in a very classy salon as the receptionist/assistant. I've done that type job before, many years ago. And I loved it. I really like all....OK most of the girls there. (whatever. Cant win 'em all) The salon itself is gorgeous. Oh and its owned by my sister! Bonus? Uh...fuck yea.

And then? In August, I will be taking a makeup artistry course. Yea, thats right. I want to be a makeup artist. Its always been something I've loved. Makeup that is. And now, I'm going to put it to use. I'll be doing makeup for the salon part time once I'm certified.

I'm actually kinda excited.

In the world of TTC, nothing is going on right this very second. I'm waiting for the red menace to show so I can call to set up the "mock transfer". Which quite frankly, I am not looking forward to. Actually I think I'd rather snort salt. You ever snorted salt before? Its NOT pleasant. Trust me.

I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm sick of having to do things like stab myself in the belly with hormones. I'm sick of people sticking things up my vag that do not belong there. I'm sick of so many damn people seeing my vag. I mean over the past 3 years, at least 14 (probably more but I've lost count) fucking people have seen my lady bits! Not counting my husband. Thats rifuckingdiculous. Seriously. And I certainly do not want to go have my damn uterus filled with saline. That does not sound like something that should be on my list of things to do this summer!

I just don't want to do IVF. There. I said it. I don't. It sucks.

However, I know that I need to do it, y'know...if we want to have a baby sometime in THIS lifetime. Fuck fuckity fuck. And Fuuuuuck.

But y'know, other than that.....lifes good. I'm happy with the direction MOST things are going.

My 1B appointment.

2010-06-13T10:08:00.002-04:00

Again, this was sorta a waste of time. Again, it was all information I knew and had already discussed with my doctor. Oh well. Just another thing I can check off my list of things to do before IVF.

At this meeting it was decided that:

* We're doing ICSI.
* We're going to transfer two embryos.
* I need to quit smoking (Keep your judgment to yourself)
* We're going to freeze any remaining embryos (Thankfully my clinic offers a payment plan)
* We will do assisted hatching, if necessary.
* We will not be freezing sperm.
* I will most likely be doing ganirelix, but who knows.
* I need to call on cycle day one of my next cycle to set up the mock transfer. Blech.
* I will probably begin this IVF crap in either August or September.

And thats that.

Soooooo, I need to quit smoking AND lose weight. I am going to be a fucking peach! This should be a ball of fucking sunshine and rainbows. Meh.

In other news, but still related to IF. Yesterday was the first time in a long time, I felt the hot sting in ,my eyes when I found out someone else was pregnant. Someone I dont even know. This girl came into my pharmacy with a prescription from the ER for pre-natal vitamins. She was disgusting. She was filthy. I mean like, I wanted to take a shower after helping her. Caked in filth and grime. On state insurance. And just plain fucking nasty. And the stench? I cant even describe it. And SHE is pregnant. And I am NOT. She cant even care for herself, and she is going to have a baby. And I am NOT. How is any of this fair??

Its not. None of it is.

My 1A....

2010-06-06T09:43:00.003-04:00

AKA the stupid IVF seminar they make you go to before starting IVF. AKA 2 and 1/2 hours of my life I will never get back. AKA 2 and 1/2 hours of shit I already knew.

I mean I've been at this for 3 years. I know what all this shit is. The ONLY thing I learned from this loooong ass seminar was how much it would cost for us to freeze any left over embryos, assuming there were any to freeze. My clinic will not destroy or dispose of fresh fertilized embryos, and therefore if you dont agree to having "leftovers" frozen, they will only try to fertilize as many as they are willing transfer. Which for me, is two. MAX. Basically this could lower our odds. Most insurances dont cover anything on cryogenic freezing. Which is BULLSHIT. But whatever. I'll talk to the financial department when I go for my 1B appointment on the 11th. Hopefully this is something we can afford to do, having things frozen would mean we would be able to do an FET if goddess forbid the first IVF didnt work. Which as I'm sure you all know, is a lot easier.

I'll tell ya, the only things that are freaking me out even a little are the future PIO shots and the mock transfer. I'm not a fan of IM shots. They fucking hurt. And I dont think I'll be able to do them myself. I have done all my own injections so far, but those were all sub Q. Those are easy. IM shots are bitches. And did I mention they fucking hurt? Meh. I dont want my husband to do them either. One of the reasons being, I get very angry when I'm in pain and I dont really want to have to direct that anger towards him. I mean I get mad at him all on his own and having him jam a long ass needle in my ass muscle isnt going to help him out at all.

And this mock transfer business? Sounds way to much like an HSG. WTF is that? I already had an HSG cant they just look at the results of that? I mean, the HSG itself was fine. A little cramping, slightly awkward but not to bad. It was after the HSG that messed me all up. For whatever reason, my body freaked the fuck out after I had it. I got dizzy and nauseous. I almost passed out. Not fun. Hopefully it was a fluke and wont happen again. Or it could have been my body telling me that xanax and I cant be friends anymore. I took one before the appointment because I was worried that the HSG was going to be painful. Who knows. All I do know is I'm sick of this shit. Like seriously over it.

Stupid fucking infertility.

So my WTF appointment wasnt so WTF-ish.

2010-05-14T09:37:00.002-04:00

I went. We talked. We're gonna do IVF with ICSI..uh..or is it ISCI? Fuck it, whatever. The thing where the actually force the little spazy sperm into my egg. That one.

I told him I needed a couple of months to drop some weight. He said I'm not THAT over weight, but I personally think he was just being nice. I'm feeling like a heifer these days.

So....on 6/3 we go to our first IVF class. Then I'll have another appointment on 6/11 where he'll do....some stuff. I dunno. Some IVFish stuff.

*sigh* I probably should have taken notes. Worst infertile eva.

Bottom line. IVF here we come. As soon as I lose some weight. Yay me!

Its weird...

2010-05-05T08:41:00.003-04:00

I'm actually OK. I mean, sure I was a little bummed that this month didn't work out. And I'm not exactly thrilled that I have to invite IVF into my life. But I'm OK. I thought my world was going to crumble if and when I finally got to this point, but it hasn't. And I don't think it will. I guess I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.

Maybe its the fact that I am officially on a break that is giving me such peace of mind. Maybe its that I am going to lose weight, and so in my mind, I'm going to give myself a better shot at actually becoming pregnant once I do IVF. Or maybe I've just become complacent. Whatever it is, I'll take it. because I'm OK. And being OK, is a good place to be.

I guess this is just another chapter in my life. Lets see where it goes. How will it end? Because it will end. I only get two more chances. And then we're on our own. But I'm OK with that. Weird right?

May 12th is our WTF appointment. I have no idea what to expect. I admittedly skipped over the IVF chapters in the books I've read because I thought, "pfft! I don't need to read this stuff! Thats not ME. I'll never really need IVF" Well....I guess I'll be going back to read those chapters now. I'll see what my RE thinks. I'll read those books. And I'll be OK. Oh, and I'll lose weight. Honestly, thats the most distressing thing to me. Weird right?

IVF= Meh, whatever. I'll do what I gotta do, I guess.

Losing weight= OMFG! I cant do this! I hate working out! I loooove food! Waaaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaa! PANIC!

Clearly, I've got my priorities straight!

WTF appointment.....here I come!

2010-05-03T16:45:00.003-04:00

This cycle is a bust. I got my period. Big fucking surprise.

Whatever.

Now, I need to get my ass in gear and lose at LEAST 30lbs. Here we go again.

Shit.

13(almost 14)DPO

2010-05-02T20:42:00.004-04:00

No spotting.

Yet.

I figure if I write that here, I'll get my period. Because I mean, everyone knows jinxing yourself is real. Hello?
I cant bring myself to buy a pregnancy test. I find it much easier to handle a phone call saying "so sorry, but no." than those horrible negative HPT's.

But....I kinda wanna know. Y'know? *sigh* I guess I'll wait and see what tomorrow brings. Period or no period. I guess time will tell.

In other news, I won an ipod touch! Yea, me. I have never won anything. In. My. Life. I'm so excited!

And? We adopted a puppy today! I must have lost my damn mind. We adopted ourselves a 7 month old Shih-tzu. He is really adorable. And is missing one of his back paws. They think the mama dog may have chewed it off. (ahh!!) We get to bring him home this coming friday. I guess if I cant have a baby, I may as well have a puppy?

This isnt the best pic (of me or the pup) I'll post a better one once we get him home and named.

So thats it, for now.

Symptom watch...

2010-04-30T18:51:00.002-04:00

AKA "How one could make herself crazy in less than 2 weeks!"

Today is 11DPO and the symptoms are as follows:

* Sore boobs. Though, not as sore today as they were a couple of days ago.
* On and off low back ache.
* On and off cramping.
* Breaking out like crazy. Seriously. Its bad. All I can say is, THANK FUCKING GODDESS for Bare minerals being the awesome product that it is!
* A little heartburn.
* Did I mention the cramping? Cause its starting to bum me out.
* I'm hungry all the time
* I seem to be shedding more than usual. Is that even a symptom?
* Breaking out. Really, really badly. My friggin face looks like a hormonal teenagers. Its so not cool.

So yea, those are the "symptoms" And hey, guess what? Just about every single one of those could be from either the vagi tabs or my impending period. Go fucking figure.
Speaking of the vagi tabs, they are on manufacture back order. Greeeeeat. The release date isn't until JUNE. Argh! If by some miracle, I am actually knocked up...I'll need to find something else. And I am SO not doing the Crinone again. I'd rather lick dirt.

My WTF appointment.

2010-04-22T08:30:00.003-04:00

I've made it. My IVF consultation appointment is set for May 12th at 3pm. One of two things will happen, either I'll end up pregnant this time because I had the forethought to make my IVF consult ahead of time. Or, I'll be set and ready to go when I end up NOT pregnant, again. Either way, I'm ahead of the game. Take that infertility.

As far as this appointment goes....I'm at a loss. I feel like there are a million questions I SHOULD be asking. And yet, the only one I have is "why the fuck am I not pregnant?!" I feel like I put blind faith in these people because I don't know what to ask. I mean, I guess we all put some degree of blind faith in our doctors...but considering I've been at this for almost 3 years, I don't feel all that educated. I know stuff. I just don't feel like I know the right stuff. Like....what I should be asking at this WTF appointment. Are there additional tests I should be requesting for either myself or my husband? Is there something different we should have been trying? I just don't know. Anyone have advice for me? Please?

As for whats going on with this cycle...nothing. Well, nothing of interest. My boobs are freaking killing me, but thats a nice combo of the trigger shot and the progesterone doing that. Good times. Goooooooodtimes!

Like I said in my last post, if this cycle proves to be another fucking failure, I'm taking at least a month off to shed some poundage. I'll start the strict diet again, and start working my ass off. AGAIN. And while the thought of doing that makes me want to cry, the thought of being a heffalump makes me want to puke. So, I'll take the tears.

Gah, time to get ready for work. Which by the way....I still hate. In case you were wondering.

Let the two week wait begin!

2010-04-19T12:48:00.002-04:00

Actually its more like 2 weeks and 2 days, but whos counting?

IUI # 4, is done. Yay me.

Nothing much to say about todays doctor visit. Other than having to sit next to a very large, very stinky man and being directly across from a big fat bald guy with two HUGE growths on his head, the visit was pretty quick and painless.

Thats pretty much it.

I think I have bloggers block. I kinda suck at this whole blogging thing lately.

What the hell are you DOING in there?!

2010-04-18T11:14:00.002-04:00

I went for my final follie check yesterday. The woman who did my ultrasound, either had no fucking clue what she was doing or was really thorough. I personally think she didn't know what the hell she was doing. She hung around in my vag entirely too long! Like 8-10 minutes! I was highly UN-amused. I honestly don't think she knew how to work the computer. She tried to bluff. But I mean seriously. I've done this enough times to know what the hell is going on. And SHE clearly didn't know what the hell was going on. Long story short, after conferring with someone who DID know what was going on, I found out I have 2-3 viable follicles. Which is better than one stupid, gonal-f stealing follie from last month.

So, I did my trigger shot last night and I go in on Monday for my fourth and final IUI. The next step is without a doubt IVF. And once again, I've got zero faith that this one will work. Its just a feeling. And if this one doesn't work, I'm taking a break. For at least a month or so. I need to lose weight. I've gained "a bit" over the last few treatments. And by "a bit" I mean WAYTOOFUCKINGMUCH!! *sigh*

Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". Think about this quote for a second and ask yourself, does this quote apply to you? Because, it sure as shit applies to me. And apparently my doctor. I am clearly fucking insane. Clearly.

CD 2..because I have no witty title.

2010-04-10T17:54:00.002-04:00

I went for my baseline today, and the visit took over 2 freaking hours. I wish I was kidding. TWO HOURS! 98% of that time was spent waiting. Fuuuuck.

Anyway, it went well (other than the whole 2 hours of my life I'll never get back) No cysts. I mean with only one freak follicle last cycle, I would have been rippin pissed if I DID have any cysts.
So, I start follistim tonight. New med for my last IUI. Hopefully this means, new results? Wouldnt that be lovely...

I know a lot of you have used follistim before, is there anything I should know?

16DPO...

2010-04-09T08:58:00.002-04:00

And my stupid body has reached a whole new low. Instead of waiting until I take an HPT and then getting my period like it usually does, my jack ass uterus has decided it would be fucking hilarious to let me drive 30 minutes to get my blood drawn for my beta, drive 30 minutes home and THEN get my period. I'm not even fucking kidding.

Fuck this day. Fuck it hard. Seriously.

Wait for it...wait for it...

2010-04-08T08:19:00.003-04:00

My freaking head is gonna explode.

I am currently 15dpo. And because of these stupid goddamn vagi tabs, I have yet to get my period. I'm spotting...a little. But no period. Gah! Its annoying. Really annoying. I know I'm not fucking pregnant. I took a pregnancy test.

Negative, clearly.

I've got my new meds. And NO PERIOD. I'm cranky. And annoyed. And...and...well, this is just messing with my head. I've accepted that it didn't work. Again. I'm ready to move forward. But I cant. Because of these fucking progesterone tablets that I'm popping up my hoo-ha twice a day, I.cant.move.forward. They have me stuck in fucking limbo.

Fuck being in limbo. It sucks.

Also? Fuck fucking google for putting crazy ass thoughts in my head.

I would rather have just gotten my period.

2010-04-06T07:20:00.002-04:00

I took a pregnancy test this morning. I didn't want to. Seriously, I am fucking irritated that I had to piss on yet another HPT. But, I needed to know so that I could have enough time to have my meds sent to me. Looks like I'll be calling freedom pharmacy and ordering my meds in just a little while. I'm not surprised. I knew it was coming, I'm just mad that I had to pee on a stick to find out. Fucking infertility. Seriously fucking rude.

I'm so fucking over all of this. My face is breaking out like a goddamn teenager, I am 100% sick and fucking tired of cramming hard white tablets up my snatch, I am fucking evil(more so than normal) thanks to all the hormones, I've lost hours at work, I'm stressed right the fuck out. Part of me wants to take a break. The other part, the part that keeps screaming "YOU'RE 30!!" says no way, do it now. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

Freedom Pharmacy, here I come.

For those of you that have asked...

2010-04-04T20:22:00.002-04:00

Its day 11, and I have NOT tested. I swear. Not even once. I do have one pee stick left over from the last failed cycle. Its sitting in the cabinet next to my vagi tabs. I think the only time I even touched the stupid thing, was to shove it out of my way so I could get to my panty liners. I MIGHT test on day 13, if I dont have my period in the AM. And thats only so I can have enough time to get my meds to me for the next cycle.

Really....I've got zero faith in this one. Just hurry up and wait. And thats it.

Oh and Happy Giant,candy-giving bunny day!

Blog Hop.

2010-04-02T21:06:00.002-04:00

Here is your opportunities to meet and support your fellow Infertiles! Infertility Blog Hop

Start Date: 4/2/2010 6:00:00 AM
Stop Date: 4/4/2010 11:00:00 PM

Oh wow, its already been 8 days?

2010-04-01T08:25:00.002-04:00

I had my IUI 8 days ago. I haven't tested. I have absolutely no urge to test. None. As a matter of fact, I've come close to forgetting that I was in the two week wait. The only thing that brings me back around to that fact is having to take my vagi tabs twice a day. Which, by the way are like a 1ooox better that that awful crinone shit. I mean its progesterone, so of course I have all the lovely side effects. But my vag is far less abused this time around. Which is a fucking lovely thing.

I talked to my RE's office a couple of days ago and apparently Dr.E has decided he would like to do one more IUI before moving on to IVF. Oooookay! Next time around he will have me on follistim. Its called in and ready for me. I'm just waiting for my period.

So, I guess thats it. Nothing mind blowing to share with you guys. Just figured I'd write something so ya'll didn't think I'd dropped off the face of the earth. I mean, you were waiting anxiously to hear from me, right?? Right?!

Pahahahahaha!!

Oh and ps....Happy April fools day. Hmmmmm, who shall I torment?

Three strikes, I'm out? Or third times the charm?

2010-03-24T21:19:00.002-04:00

In two freakishly long weeks we'll know the answer to that question. IUI # 3, is done. With one greedy follicle. Humpf!

The nurse that did this IUI was great. She fed me every line of bullshit that is designed to give IF's like myself hope. But she didn't do it in a way that made me want to stab her or cause her some form of bodily harm. I actually kinda liked her. And? She placed a wooden fertility goddess on my belly and gave me "mood lighting" while I waited the 10 minutes before I was allowed to get up and leave. Which made me chuckle. And seriously, who doesn't like a little comic relief after having a woman squirt your husbands "goods" all up in? I submit that you cannot find one.

In other news, I earned myself a fat ass ticket today. Speeding. I was taking Monkey to school before my appointment and I guess I was in a bit of a hurry. $300. Fuuuuuuuck. Monkey and I were chatting away and I was slightly distracted thinking about how I needed to get home with enough time to spare to make myself look lovely for my hump day insemination. I needed to have shaved legs and pretty hair. And my makeup needed to be perfect. But of course with Monkey in the car I couldn't go into that detail with the stupid cop that pulled me over. Nope, I just smiled and thanked him for fucking me with a sandpaper condom. But seriously, I could have gotten out of it if I had been sans child. I've gotten out of worse tickets than that. And I don't even have to sleep with them. Male cops don't like tears or mention of periods and I'm CERTAIN talk of insemination and infertility along with tears would have saved my ass, or at least added some lube. But being the "responsible" mother that I am, I very bluntly told Monkey that I broke the law and I deserved the ticket I was about to be handed. He offered me his savings. I fought the tears. That boy makes my heart melt every day.

I'm totally sending it in NOT guilty. Even though, clearly.....I'm pretty guilty. Cops don't read fertility blogs do they? If so, I ADMIT NOTHING!

I'm not ready to be READY!

2010-03-22T20:36:00.002-04:00

Got a call yesterday, apparently, I've had a really quick response to the Gonal-f this time around. WTF. OK? So I go in today, for another blood draw and an ultra sound. The Doc sticks the wand in and ta-da there is a GIANT follicle. Wait....what? Yea. A big mother fucker. 24.6!

And thats it.

I'm sure you're tilting your head to the side, trying to mentally calculate how long I'd been stimming for..I'll save you the trouble. 6 fucking days. Today would have been the 7th. Instead? I had to trigger tonight. With ONE goddamn fucking follicle. And another that was 13, but we all know that jerk wont catch up. ONE FOLLICLE. GAH! I dropped $80 on my meds today. FOR ONE, STUPID, probably not even a real follicle-follicle. Its probably just a cyst that the twat swatters missed the last time I had an ultra sound. My ONE follicle is probably a dud.

I don't understand what the shit happened in there. I mean. The dosage was EXACTLY the same as last time. I mean EXACTLY. So what the fuck happened?!

I do believe the next stop on this IF journey will be IVF. *sigh*

I knew from the very start of this cycle that is wasn't going to be a good one. I just KNEW.

So, I go in on Wednesday to have the IUI. Start taking the progesterone vagi tabs, wait for my period to come and then talk to Dr.E about IVF.

Fuck me.

A quick update:

2010-03-18T08:08:00.002-04:00

I went in on the 12th for a cyst check, and whadda ya know...they were gone. So I stopped the birth control (woo!) and started the gonal-f again on the 16th. They are keeping me on exactly the same dose as last time. Which is kinda frustrating because A.) I was under the impression we were going to tweak it a bit and B.) IT DIDN'T WORK LAST TIME! WHY ARE WE DOING THE SAME THING?? But, I guess they know what they are doing. (pffft!) This is my last shot with an IUI before moving on to IVF. I'd kinda hoped I'd never have to bring that acronym into my vocabulary. IVfuckingF. Blah.

I'll be very honest, I've got NO faith in this cycle. I mean, everything just feels off. My vagina for one...has been out of commission for a looooong time. Between the crinone and then my period and then the birth control which makes me bleed and then stopping the birth control which gave me another (super fucking early) period...gah! We're talking over a month. A freakin month! Thats a long ass time to have an out of order sign tacked to your business. I'm so ready to take back control of my va jay jay! Please and thank you!

So...thats about it.

Oh, and I hate my fucking job. Anyone want to hire me to be their bitch? Cause I am Sooooooooo over Walgreens. Did you know they can censor your outside life? Yea. They can. Well, they can try anyway. Thank fucking god, no one at work knows about this blog. Actually very few people IRL know about it.

Bottom line, Walgreens is one giant gaping asshole. They do not give a shit about their employees. And I hate them.

*the opinions on this page are not necessarily those of the Walgreens corp*

Ha! Take that, Mr.Walgreens in the sky. Asshole.

Want to help a fellow infertile?

2010-03-17T16:29:00.004-04:00

Heres how. Bonnie and Kyle are adopting a child. As I'm sure you can imagine, adoption is fucking expensive! So, Bon has been raffling off some pretty awesome shit (I missed the coach bag one...so pissed!) and tickets are only $5.00 each.

If you'd like to check it out, visit them at their adoption raffle page.

If you dont see something that interests you, check back...she does it every week.

Thank you, that is all.

Whats this? Two posts in one day? Oh my....

2010-02-28T20:58:00.003-05:00

Courtney over at When I least Expected It made me smile today. And smiles are hard to come by right now. So, thank you Courtney. I kinda <3 you

Why am I thanking her? Well because she gave me an award. I NEVER get awards! And? She likes that I say fuck a lot. I guess I kinda do, huh?

Here are the rules for the award:
Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.
Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

Uhhhh...interesting facts about me? Can we define interesting, please?

Hmmmm....

1.) I met my husband on myspace. Yea...I know, I hate myself too. He sent me some cheesy message about my eyes being beautiful, and we just started talking.

2.) I was in hair dressing school for a little while. Wanna know the main reason I quit? I HATE wet hair touching my hands. Not like I cant wash my hair or anything, but I hate when wet hair gets wrapped around my fingers. I freaks me the fuck out.

3.) I have texture issues. Certain textures literally make me gag. If I have a snag on one of my nails and it catches on a piece of fabric....dry heaves. Its bad.

4.) I judge people CONSTANTLY. I mean all the freakin time. I try not to, but I just cant stop myself.

5.) I used to be a welder. Yes, me. I welded rebar cages for septic tanks. *cue flash dance music*

6.) I dont think I can go one full day without saying "fuck" Its my favorite word. And it just goes so well with everything.

7. I want very badly to go to school for mortuary science. Yup, I want to be a mortician. Interesting, huh?

And now, I tag 7 peeps....

Kelley, because she is one sassy bitch! And she doesnt mind my potty mouth.

My little Bon-Bon, because she is one tough bitch! And she doesnt mind my potty mouth.

Amber, because she takes some of the most amazing photos, one talented bitch! And shes crafty too. And her kids are freakin adorable. And she doesnt mind my potty mouth.

PJ, because she is a warrior! And? She totally doesnt mind my potty mouth!

Lea, because she is always there to leave me comforting words. And does she mind my potty mouth? Fuck no.

Miss April, because I just kinda <3 her. She too has been a reader for quite some time...also? I just want to smoosh her little boy! he is just sooo sweet! And April doesnt care that I swear like a trucker either.

Liz, because she makes me laugh, and she totally gets it. She definitely doesnt mind my potty mouth

Depression? I has it....

2010-02-28T18:07:00.002-05:00

Its like all of a sudden, EVERYTHING has caught up to me...no...more like plowed over me, backed up and run me over again, done a few K turns and then put it in park. I'm clearly upset about the last cycle not working. And now? I'm on birth control. Mind fuck anyone? I'm trying to have a baby, and I'm on birth control. *sigh* Yea, I know b/c is par for the course after a failed stim cycle...but it still fucking sucks.

And as if THAT wasn't enough...I just found out how much we owe for taxes. And its a lot. Far more than we have, thats for fucking sure. Shit, fuck.

So, please consider this my two week notice...

I am done being an adult. I. fucking. quit. You've got two weeks to find and train a replacement. Good luck with that.

14DPO

2010-02-26T08:13:00.003-05:00

And its over.

I started spotting last night. And its heavier today. *sigh* Its over.

I cant believe it didn't work. Again. I'm devastated. And I am 100% dreading doing this again. All the injections, all the horrible blood draws (my poor arms are just now back to normal), missing time at work ( so far, my boss is being decent...who knows how long thats going to last for though) and the crinone...oh goddess, the crinone. My poor vagina.

I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm angry, oh so angry....

Why didn't it work? Why??

I just put the call into my clinic to report CD1. So, I'll probably have to go in tomorrow or Sunday for a baseline and blood draw. And as long as there are no "left over follicles", I'll move forward with the cycle. And if there is? Fucking birth control. Which I LOATH. It makes me have breakthrough bleeding. My body, the useless whore that she is...has been put through hell, and for nothing. Nothing!!

...I just talked to one of the nurses at the clinic, I'm scheduled for 7:30 tomorrow. She is changing the crinone to endometrium suppositories. Thank goddess!! I'll try anything if it means no more crinone.

11dpo

2010-02-23T09:38:00.002-05:00

And I didn't even test this morning. Why? Because I am fucking SICK of seeing negative pregnancy tests! Sick I tell you!

I've come to accept that I'm going to have to do this again. All the injections. All the blood draws. All the dates with the dildo cam. The crinone. All of it. Again.

Fuck.

Its not fair. Why the fuck didn't it work this time? No one has answers. I know I certainly don't. What I do know is I have ONE more chance with an IUI and then I'm going to have to try IVF.

IVfuckingF. Gah!!

And yes, I realize that people have gotten negatives at 11dpo only to get a positive later at 12 or 14dpo. But I have a gut feeling. I just know. It didn't work.

Fuck.

9DPO

2010-02-21T08:10:00.002-05:00

Got a negative this morning.......*sigh*

Progesterone is a tricky bitch...

2010-02-18T08:03:00.003-05:00

Yes, I still hate Crinone. But today I hate it for a totally different reason than I did the other day. Don't get me wrong, I'm still 100% disgusted and entirely not happy about shoving something up inside me the gives me "clittly litter". Today, I hate it because it makes me crazy! Why? You ask. Well, because how am I supposed to feel pregnant or not pregnant when I have all these lovely side effects from the progesterone that mimic pregnancy symptoms?

Sore boobs? Yep, I gots 'em. They are huge(er), heavy and killing me! My poor nipples feel like if one more thing grazes them, they might just pack up and leave. Ugh. But...that could be the progesterone.

Feeling crazy tired? Oh yea...thats got my name alllll over it. I was at the bus stop yesterday waiting for Monkey, and I had to fidget and mess with stuff to keep myself awake. Buuuuut....that could just be the progesterone.

Slightly crampy? Uh huh. Got that too. And once again, its probably just the fucking progesterone.

Mood swings? OMFG, yes. Ask poor K. One minute I'm totally fine, the next I'm teary eyed and then the next after that...I'm ready to kill someone. *sigh* Stupid progesterone.

Getting up to pee in the middle of the night? For sure! As a matter of fact, I woke up to pee at about 4am today, and couldn't freaking fall back asleep! I was just laying there thinking about whether or not I might be pregnant. I thought for a minute that I was 7 days past the IUI (nope! only 6. shit!!) and I thought that maybe I might test in 3 days. Nope. At least 4 now. But, just like everything else...this could just be the progesterone messing with me.

Increased appetite? Yup. Ugh. Just ugh!

This just isn't fun.

I changed my mind....I'll take the injections!!

2010-02-15T21:43:00.005-05:00

I fucking hate Crinone.

It is the most vile, wretched, nasty shit I've ever had to use.

I LOATH it.

I would rather have painful shots in the ass, then shove this junk up my twat! I have never, in my life hated my vagina as much as I do now. I've also never felt the need to douche, and I'm thinking it sounds like a great goddamn idea right now! This is so not OK. I'm so not OK with any of this.

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

I better be doing this for a good reason, and the ONLY acceptable reason would be that I'm pregnant. Otherwise....I may lose my mind. No woman should ever have to be this aware of her vagina.

Also? Those fucking fuckers clearly do not want me having sex anytime soon. There is NO way in hell I am letting my husband anywhere NEAR miss muff in the condition she is in. NO FUCKING WAY!! Maybe it sounds ridiculous to you.....but unless you've used it, you have no fucking clue. White stuff, people. Clumpy, fucking white stuff. Coming out of my vagina. I could cry.

Seriously, I'm close to tears. I hate this. My poor cootch.

Apparently this is normal. NORMAL. By whos fucking definition is CLUMPY WHITE STUFF normal??? ARGH!!

I have to go to bed, before I really do just break down and cry. With big messy snot bubbles, and my makeup running all over my face. Because really.....I dont think I could feel any less sexy than I do right now.

Second times the charm?

2010-02-12T12:37:00.002-05:00

Its done. And this was the BEST "sample" K has ever given. I'm cautiously optimistic.

And now? The two week wait begins. Joy.

I start my Crinone on Sunday. Happy Valentines day, K. Sorry about the goop. Heh.

Holy crap! My DOCTOR did my ultrasound!

2010-02-10T19:10:00.002-05:00

And?

I do my trigger shot tonight. And my IUI is set for Friday the 12th. The day before my 30th birthday. Thats gotta be good luck. Right?

Hope. I has some.

Ouch!

2010-02-09T08:52:00.004-05:00

I am so freaking over all of these blood draws!

My arms look like that of a junkie. And the fact that since 1-31 I've had my blood drawn 6-7 times has caused scar tissue to form, which is causing it to be exceedingly more difficult and painful to have it done. And? I get to go back TOMORROW morning and have it done all over again. Crap!

Apparently, the doctor with the wand wants me to go another day. Another. Day.

Fuck.

Meh

2010-02-07T09:23:00.002-05:00

Things just are not progressing the way I thought they would....*sigh*

Went for yet another blood draw and ultra sound this morning, and my follicles just don't seem to be growing at the rate that I thought they would. I dunno. I mean, I'm not a doctor. Clearly. But I just feel like things are at a stand still. I'll be staying at the 112.5 dose of Gonal-F for the next two nights, and then I go in for ANOTHER blood draw and ultra sound on Tuesday morning at 7:30. I feel like a human pin cushion. It took two jabs to get my blood this morning, which is weird because I actually have really good veins. Usually. I'm betting that I'm developing a bit of scar tissue. Oh and entirely too many people have seen my vagina in the past couple of weeks. I'm just sayin.

I feel discouraged. I just hope they know what they are doin. I'm still not convinced that they do.

My inner bitch.....

2010-02-04T20:28:00.002-05:00

Has become my outer bitch. Very much so, in fact. I made it through the day at work and didn't snap on anyone. My son and I were fine, not so much as one single bitchy moment. And then my husband came home....

It seems that tonight, every. single. thing. he is doing, pisses me off. Like everything. No, really. EVERYTHING. I don't know if I've stressed that enough. Bah!

I need to just take a benadryl and knock my ass out for the night. I have to be up super early to be at my dildo cam/more goddamn blood work appointment. Yay me.

5 injections down, 5 ish to go? Maybe.....after looking at my stupid little time line thingy, it looks like I started my gonal-f injections on 1-6 and had my first IUI on 1-15...so...maybe less than 5 injections to go? Ah, who the fuck knows. I certainly have no friggin clue. I'm just doing what I'm told. I've got dumb faith in these people to get me pregnant. Although, based on my experience with them so far...I'm not sure I should trust any of them. When I got the call after my last blood draw, the woman who left me the message didn't even know what medication I'm taking! She said that if I was taking follistam(sp) that I should increase my dosage...which I'm not. But if I was taking Gonal-F, I should stay where I am. Which I did. But heres the thing....why increase one, but not the other? Are they really that different? I honestly haven't a clue.

Oh, and.....the crinone that they want me to be on after the IUI, is going to cost me over $200 for the first fill because of my deductible. And then its gonna be $40 each time I have to fill it after that. Every 18 days. Assuming that the IUI actually works. Which, I have no faith in right this very second. I'm tryin though.

*sigh*

Inner peace, inner peace, inner peace...

2010-01-31T17:44:00.002-05:00

That has been my mantra sine yesterday. Yesterday, when the twat swatters from UCONN, made me cry. Yes, they made me cry. How you ask? Well, they were mean to me. AND they lost my chart. AND they didn't have a treatment plan for me. AND none of them know what the fuck is going on. The bitch I talked to yesterday basically made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Which I totally wasn't! She said "y'know, you're really rushing this..." I almost jumped through the fucking phone. I was at work however, and so I maintained the conversation without swearing at her or threatening to kick her ass. Luckily for her. What I did manage to finally get was an 8:30 appointment for today for a baseline and blood work.

I went to the appointment. The waiting room was jam packed. And at least one person in there smelled like soup. Not cool. I finally got to the exam room where I was instructed to drop trou and hop up on the table. And then? Then....

They. Fucking. Forgot. Me.

Straight up, forgot about the half naked woman sitting on a table on cycle day TWO. Forgot me.

GAH!! Inner peace, inner peace, inner fucking peace.

Fortunately, once I did actually receive my wanding (approx. 35 minutes AFTER undressing) there were NO cysts. WOO!! I was sent down to get blood drawn, where I encountered the one and only person in the building who wasn't a flaming asshole and who seemed to know how to do her job. Campbell, from the second floor, I love thee. Thank you for not being a douche bag like the assholes on the third floor. Wait...the lady who handles my insurance is good too, so she is excluded from the assholedom of the third floor.

Long story short, I start my injections tonight. And they added Crinone to my list of meds. * sigh of relief *

Oh, and I did get somewhat of an apology from the ass bag that was so rude to me yesterday. Apparently they were extremely short staffed. And I get that. I really do. But just tell me that. Dont try and make ME feel like an asshole. Asshole.

Whatever....I'm moving forward. Yay! And hopefully, this will be it. And I wont have to deal with them after this. Ever. Again.

The one where I'm annoyed

2010-01-28T16:12:00.002-05:00

I want to know, what could possibly take so fucking long to get lab results back from within the SAME BUILDING. What? Please someone, answer me. Why has it taken OVER 2 weeks, and I still don't have the all clear to start my cycle. Its coming, whether those reh tards are ready or not. I can tell....and if it comes before they have all of their shit straightened out, I'm gonna be fucking livid. Next time they need blood work, I'm just gonna tell them I'll take it to and from myself because they CLEARLY cannot handle getting it from the first floor to the third floor. Someone, somewhere got fucking lost. Perhaps stuck in the elevator. Maybe they went to the basement. Either fucking way, I am totally unimpressed. And annoyed. And sick of fucking calling them.

Fuck.

* sigh * Yet another one...

2010-01-23T21:46:00.002-05:00

I mentioned in my new years post, I had purchased the book Navigating the Land of If.
I still highly recommend it. But if you'll recall, I told you that I enjoyed it so much and it was so informative, that I was going to purchase a copy for a friend of mine that had just started her journey through the land of IF. Well, that friend announced to me (and ONLY me) that she is 8 weeks pregnant. * bangs. head. on. desk* I hugged her and told her how happy I was for her. I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone, and before you say anything...you guys totally don't count. I tell you everything. Besides, you have zero idea who I'm talking about. So, I guess I'm glad I didn't buy her the book. How stupid would I have looked handing the pregnant chick a book about navigating infertility and being all "I'm like totally here for you, my fellow infertile" Bah.

In other news, I'm begging, pleading, and bargaining with my body, to just fucking cooperate. Just this once. I'm hoping to not get my period before all is set with the clinic. (apparently it takes quite a while for the blood work results on some of the labs to come back. FROM DOWN STAIRS, on the first floor) Also, I'm hoping that I don't have any cysts. <----thats my biggest worry right now, not sure why.

So yea....yet another knocked up person, that isn't me and trying to convince by body to NOT be a douche bag. Woot!

Will it be Déjà vu?

2010-01-20T08:17:00.004-05:00

I don't know why, but I have a feeling that things are going to follow suit from the last time we were trying to start a cycle with our old RE. I just have this terrible feeling that I'm going to go in for the baseline, and he's going to tell me we have to cancel the cycle because of a cyst. Just something to cause yet another delay. Bah!

Pessimistic? Me? Nahhhhhh....

OK...maybe a little.

I hope I'm wrong. I sure would like to AT LEAST be actively trying to get pregnant before my 30th birthday. Y'know seeing as the whole "I'll have a baby by the time I'm 30" thing just didn't seem to pan out.

Pfft! Stupid fucking infertility.

PS.....Happy Hump Day.

And he didnt even call me fat!

2010-01-13T12:28:00.002-05:00

Today was my initial consultation with my new RE. And I like him. Like seriously. I had no idea what I should have expected from my other RE. Boy was I missing out. He was so thorough. He gave me a complete physical. He tested me for everything under the sun, AND he gave me my pap. Talk about one stop shopping! He is personable. And he explained everything in great detail. Most of it I already knew, but still, it was nice to have him reiterate it.

Turns out, my last RE kinda sucked. But whatever. It was a stepping stone. And now we're ready to get knocked up! We start with the next cycle. Which should be starting on or around February 2nd. Which means, maybe I'll get pregnant for my birthday! Squeee!

Thats about it. I'm excited. We're back on the baby makin wagon again.

An announcement for a friend

2010-01-08T23:42:00.003-05:00

Meghann from Along Lifes Little Journey gave birth to her little boy Aiden. 5 weeks early.

Born Jan 5th 2010

6lb 7oz and 19 inches long

Born 9:13 pm

Mom is doing great and Aiden is in the NICU on IV antibiotics, but otherwise doing very well.

Congratulations to Meg and her husband! And welcome to the world baby Aiden!

Yes, I'm still here....

2009-12-31T11:01:00.003-05:00

As 2009 comes to a close, I figured I should let ya'll know I'm still here. I didn't throw myself off a cliff or plow into a bridge abutment.
I've wanted to blog. I've had stuff I could have blogged about. But every time I sat down to write, I'd just sit and stare at the screen. And then I would hear Sephora.com calling my name, and because I have NO self control when it comes to Sephora....I'd switch pages, telling myself I'd go back to do the blog soon. But I never did. Clearly.

*sigh*

Worst blogger ever.

I've made some changes to my header. Did you even notice? If you're anything like my husband (who didn't notice 4" of missing hair!) you probably didn't. Or maybe you did, and you think it sucks (which it kinda does, because I'm borderline retarded when it comes to that shit.) Whatever. I'll fix it eventually. And when I say I'll fix it, I mean I'll beg my husband who speaks fluent geek to fix it. Potato, potato....uh, just not the same when you write it.

2009, well, its pretty much been shit. Right up there with 2008 actually. And as I'm sure you can all remember...2008 was a dirty whore.

I have all sorts of things I could say as to why 2009 was the shit show it was. But quite frankly, 2009 doesn't deserve another moment of my time. 2009, was mean. Really mean. It hurt me and a lot of my friends, both online and IRL. So, pretty much all I have to say to 2009 is fuck you, and goodbye.

And seriously? If 2010 isn't a better year than 2009....someones getting shanked. I'm not even kidding.

Speaking of 2010, I'm going to see my new RE Jan 13th. Yes, thats right friends, I'm going to start treatments again.
Squeeee. Or something.
Jan 13th is my consultation. Because my old RE left me. Because she was all "oh look at me, I'm an RE! I make gobs of money off you sad sacks and so I can retire at age 49!" OK, probably not. But it still pisses me off. And I'm kinda mad at her.

Aaaaanyway....

Yea, so, new year. New RE. New hope? Maybe. I wonder what he'll think. Will I be able to use the meds in my fridge that are about to expire? Or will he want to do things a different way? I've already changed my schedule at work so that this time around I wont have to deal with anyone giving me shit if I have to go in for BW or U/S's. I'm not putting my life on hold anymore for that job. Screw that noise. They don't pay me enough to do that.

Speaking of meds....one of my boxes of Gonal-f expires in Feb. Do you think that means come Feb, I cant use them? Or do you think they are good through Feb?

I'm going to start allowing myself to be hopeful again. Sometime very soon. Perhaps after the initial visit. Perhaps.

Just a few more things, and I promise I'll let you get back to your day. I promise.

I bought the book Navigating the land of IF. If you don't have it, you should. Seriously. Really, really well written. I <3 it. And I'll be buying another copy to give to a friend who is just starting her journey across the island.

I'm fat again. All that hard work I did over the summer....shot to shit. I'm 100% totally disgusted with myself. How could I let this happen? I'll tell you how, I fell into a bit of a depression. And I quit smoking. Which I have since started again after having to have Pandora put to sleep. Not full time or anything! No, seriously.... Whatever. Don't judge me. I'd rather take my chances with cancer than be fat and angry.

And I think that about sums things up.

I wish you all a safe and happy New year. And thanks once again, for hanging around and reading my nonsense. I love you all.

XOXO

Twas the week before christmas...

2009-12-18T20:44:00.003-05:00

And I just had to have our 5 year old cat, Pandora put to sleep. That was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am absolutely devastated.

She was in advanced kidney failure, and was suffering. We did everything we could to help her. But her quality of life was really poor. I was all alone at the vets. And I've been crying since. Tonight has been a fucking shitty night.

Monkey is going to be crushed. I dont even know how I'm going to tell him.

We all loved that cat so much.

Dear Monday,

2009-12-07T18:12:00.002-05:00

Kindly fuck off.

Thank you in advance.

Oh, and if you wouldnt mind....please pass that on to infertility. Because seriously, that crack hoe can kiss my big fat ass too.

See ya next week, asshole.

Lovingly yours,

The infertile bitch, Sarah.

Sometimes, people make me want to smash my own head in a heavy door.

2009-11-12T20:50:00.004-05:00

8:03am

Me in my sexy phone voice: Thank you for calling Walgreens pharmacy, how may I help you?

Old lady one the phone:(yelling) DO YOU HAVE THE SWINE FLU SHOT?!

Me in my phone voice: No ma'am, we are waiting for the government to release the H1N1 vaccine to us, once they do we will be doing a clinic.

Old lady: (still yelling) WHEN?! I NEED IT!!

Me in my slightly less than enthused phone voice: Ma'am I understand that, however, we're waiting for the government to release the vaccine to us. There is nothing we can do until we receive the vaccine. No, I do don't know when we'll be getting it in. When we do receive it the outgoing message, the one you skipped, when you first call the store will change to reflect any information that we have. When we know something, you'll know something.

Old pain in the ass:(still fucking yelling) BUT I'M OLD! I NEED TO GET THAT SWINE FLU SHOT! CAN YOU CALL ME WHEN YOU GET IT?! I NEEEEED IT! I'M 100000 YEARS OLD.

Me no longer using my phone voice: Ma'am, if I called you to let you know when we had the vaccine, I'd have to call the other 80 million Walgreens customers as well.....I'll tell you what, how 'bout you call here EVERY day. But next time, don't bypass my message. I'll change it every so often to keep you updated. M'kay?

Old bat:(amazingly not yelling anymore) Well, OK. I guess.
8:07am
************************************************************************************

8:12am

Me in my sexy phone voice: Walgreens pharmacy, how may I help you?

Deaf, old person: I need my flu shot!

*me banging my head on the counter*

Me still using the soft spoken phone voice: Are you referring to the seasonal flu vaccine or the H1N1 vaccine?

Old person: I neeeeed to get my flu shot!

Me: *sigh* OK, unfortunately we are unable to offer the seasonal flu vaccine as we have exhausted our supply and are unable to obtain more. We will howev....

OlderpersonwhodidnthearawordIsaid: When will you be getting more?!

Me: We wont.

Old person: Whaaaat?

Me: We. Are. Unable. To. Obtain. More. They aren't making the flu shot any longer. No one has them.

Old as fuck guy who just isn't getting it: Well where can I get my flu shot?!

Me: Good luck with that. No one has them.

OG: But....

Me: Look, I'm really sorry. I don't know what you want me to tell you. They are no longer making the seasonal flu vaccine. We cant get anymore. NO ONE CAN.

Old guy: *click*

**yes, he hung the fuck up on me. Apparently I'm just being stingy and hoarding all the flu shots for myself**
8:15am
************************************************************************************

8:20am

Me using a slightly defeated phone voice: Pharmacy, how may I help you?

Snarky bitch: Yes, I'd like to make an appointment for my flu shot.

Me: I'm sorry, we've exhausted our supply of the seasonal flu vaccine and are unable to obtain more.

Snarky bitch: EXCUSE ME?

Me: Huh?

Snarky bitch: What do you MEAN you don't have any?!

Me: Ma'am, we cant get anymore. They aren't being made. There is nothing I can do about that.

Snarky bitch: Well! What am I supposed to do now? I'm just going to have to switch pharmacies!

Me: Uhhhhhh, I'm not really sure what you want me to tell you.

Snarky bitch: well, the message says....

Me: Lady, I am the message. I know what it says. MY message says WE NO LONGER HAVE THE SEASONAL FLU VACCINE AND WONT BE GETTING ANYMORE.

Snarky bitch: Well what about the 1HN1?

Me: *chuckle* The H1N1 vaccine? *deep breath* We are waiting for the government to release the vaccine to us, once they do, I will update the out going message to reflect any information pertaining to the clinic dates and times. Please, feel free to call everyday and see if the message has changed.

Snarky bitch: Fine, I'll do that.

**but she wont. She'll just press random buttons until she comes back to me**
8:23am
************************************************************************************

8:30am

Me: Pharmacy, can I help you?

Random caller: Hieeee! Do you have anymore swine flu shots?!

Me:*another little piece of me dies* We haven't received the H1N1 vaccine yet. We're waiting for the government to release it to us, once they do, our outgoing message will be changed immediately to reflect any information pertaining to the dates and times of the H1N1 clinic.

Random caller:........oh.

Me: Yea....

Random caller: So when do you THINK you'll be getting it?

Me: I haven't the foggiest idea. Seriously, no clue. You know as much as I do now. We're all in the dark here.

Random caller:........ohhhh.

Me: Yea. Can I help you with anything else?

Random caller: You really don't know when ya'll are getting it???

Me: Nope. Not a clue. Its just gonna show up one day. Like "surprise!". Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Random caller: Can you like hold aside one for me?

Me: Are you kidding?

Random caller: *nervous laughter* uh, yea....

Me: OK then....you have yourself a nice day.
8:32am
*************************************************************************************

8:37am

Me: Pharmacy..

Someone I'm sure I hate: Hello? Is this the pharmacy.

Me: Yes, can I help you?

Someone I'm sure I hate: What time do you open?

Me: Um, we opened at 8am.

Someone I'm sure I hate: Oh good! I'd like to make an appointment for my flu shot.

Me: Did you hear the message?

Someone I'm sure I hate: The one when you first call the store?

Me: Yea, thats the one.

Someone I'm sure I hate: Nah, I hate those things. I'd rather talk to you.

Me: That message WAS me. And I said we don't have anymore flu shots. And that we cant get anymore.

Someone I'm sure I hate: Why not???

Me: Just cant.

Someone I'm sure I hate: Really?! When will you be able to get more.

Me:...........

Someone I'm sure I hate: Hello?

Me: Hmmm? What? Oh, sorry.....they don't make them anymore. We cant get them if they don't make them. I doubt they will be making anymore, they seem to be busy making the H1N1 vaccines now.

Someone I'm sure I hate: OH! So you have the swine flu shot?!

Me: No.

Someone I'm sure I hate:Oh. Um? OK.

Me: Yea. Keep trying us back though. We're hoping to get them real soon. Buh bye!
8:40am

** This all starts the moment I walk into the pharmacy at 8am and continues like this ALL FUCKING DAY. While I'm typing prescriptions, answering OTHER phone calls, entering refills, getting drive thru, ringing customers out, resolving TPR's, and filling prescriptions. And people wonder why, by the time another technician comes in at 10am....I'm ready to stab someone in the face. I need a vacation. Or the flu. Either way, I wouldn't be at Walgreens, so it would be OK**

Quick fast update:

2009-11-03T15:59:00.003-05:00

Monkey has H1N1. Today is day..uh...day 5. He seems to be doing much better. Although I cant seem to get his temp to go away completely. Its been gone for the day so far, and if it stays gone through the night, he can go back to school. My mother also has it. I think I was a carrier, and brought it home to my poor son. I apparently have an amazing immune system.

I'm still not smoking! I've had a few since I "quit". But I haven't bought a pack and its nothing even remotely consistent. And I haven't killed my husband yet!! Its been close quite a few times, but I do believe he may make it to see his next birthday.

Still not pregnant. And to be honest, I'm terrified to really try this month with Hog Fever running through the house. So this month is a bust. Boooo. Every fuckin person I see is pregnant. Or just had a baby. *sigh*

Well, thats about it. Nothing much to report.

I am Sarahs rage.

2009-10-17T21:27:00.003-04:00

I am a wretched, wretched human being to be around right now.

I've quit smoking.
&
I've just found out that my pharmacy will in fact be giving the H1N1 vaccinations.

Those two things by themselves are enough to make my eye twitch. Put them together, and you've got the fuck all of bad things. Seriously bad, bad, bad!

Here's the thing. I like smoking. I do. I don't care if its bad for me. I always said that I would quit again if I got pregnant. Well, guess fucking what?? I'm not fucking pregnant.

And flu shots.....oh the fucking insanity. And that was just the regular vaccinations. At my pharmacy alone, we gave over 800 flu shots.
Soon, the H1N1 vaccinations will start. And people are already freaking the fuck out. I mean like batshitcrazyfreakingthefuckoutbecauseOMGwe'reallgonnafuckingdieofpigfever, type freaking the fuck out.

I'll get through the whole H1N1 thing, I'm a pretty tough cookie. I just don't know if I can make it through it all without smoking.

I need a cigarette just thinking about it.

This makes me feel throwupy.

2009-10-08T20:36:00.004-04:00

You know that feeling right? Its the kind of sick to your stomach, ache in the very depths of your soul, throwupy feeling. And it sucks. A lot.

I just realized I'm about to turn 30 soon. And my husband is going to be 36 even sooner. And while I realize that neither are OLD per say, time is against us. Well, him. But really us as a couple. Getting older is not going to make anything any easier. And before any of you 30-somethings try and crawl up my ass for saying anything about age...just DON'T. Okay, seriously. Don't. I know 30/36 isn't old. I'm not saying you/your spouse is or may be old. Don't make this about you, you selfish, selfish little person!
I'm kidding, you aren't selfish. But really, I'm not calling anyone old, or saying time for you is running out. I'm just saying I feel like the clock is against my husband and I.

I also realized I still have yet to find a way to make time to do fertility treatments. There just isn't enough time in the day for me to figure out how I'm supposed to be able to do them, work full time without pissing anyone off at work, and still be able to spend time with my son. I just don't know how to make it work. Please someone, enlighten me. Please??? I still have not chosen a new RE. I'm scared. Why bother going to one? I cant figure out how the fuck to have time for treatments.
Oh, speaking of new doctors, I called my gynecologist to set up my slightly late yearly pap and guess what? She left the fucking practice. Another fucking doctor, gone. Sonofabitch! The only other female in the practice is booked solid until February. Fucking February. What the fucking fuck?! Now I'm probably going to get stuck with Dr. Fasttalker or Dr. Dryglove. Neither of which thrills me in the least.

Another realization came when I opened the fridge the other day and the boxes of meds stared back at me mockingly. They are going to expire. They don't last forever. Much like my chances of getting pregnant. My chances have a shelf life. I don't know how long it is. I don't have a date, but its not a forever thing. And its scary. And sad. And I don't fucking like it.

I'm stressing. About everything.

Oh and, every other fucking person I see or come into contact with is pregnant. I swear. Its rifuckingdiculous. Mostly white trash, welfare leeches, or people that just shouldn't be allowed to have any kids, let alone the 5 they already have. I'm a bitter, sad little woman. *sigh*

On the plus side of things, my scum bag ex landlord finally paid up. 2 weeks late, after I already had to file some paperwork to have an execution of his financial institution done, another $75.00 later. He decided to just man up. Such a douche bag.

Like a kick in the crotch.

2009-09-22T16:18:00.002-04:00

So, as I stated in my post on Saturday, I took a pregnancy test to either force my period to come or tell me I was pregnant. I cant stand being in limbo. I needed to know if I should just go back to being the cynical infertile. Or if by some miracle I was actually knocked up. Well, neither of those things happened that night. I got a negative. But still didn't get my period.

Last night however is a different story all together. Last night as my husband was on his way home I sent him a text pleading with him to pick up a pregnancy test for me because I was still just barely spotting and it had been 3 days. I just needed to do it. For me. For my sanity. He came home about an hour later with tests in hand. I grabbed the bag and flew up the stairs. My bladder was about to explode as I had been holding it for quite some time waiting for him to get home.
I sat down and proceeded to mangle the plastic package trying to get the test out. I told myself not to stare at the test, and to just set it down on the floor.
We all know I didn't do that though. I mean seriously....two fucking years....I'm staring at the goddamn test. And so I did, I stared at it. I watched as the pee soaked into the test area, watched it creep through....and as I stared, my eyes started to play tricks on me...I swore I saw the faintest second line. I squinted, and turned it every which way. I tried different lighting. I even asked my husband if he saw anything. He of course did not. No one can see an invisible line like a woman who has been TTC forfuckingever. So, I threw the test away (and only went back once to double check it!) and told myself that maybe there really was that second line there and I just needed to use morning pee. I told myself I was going to re test first thing the next day.

Less than five minutes later, I got my period. And so...my theory still stands true. The best way to get your period, is to take a pregnancy test. Except I guess my body isn't just a bitch, its a PRISSY bitch and will only pay attention when the expensive pregnancy tests are used. No store brand cheapies.

And there you have it. I'm not pregnant and I got my period. Next time I think I'll just wipe with a $20.00 bill and save myself the mental anguish.

Ps....Fuck you, infertility.

I love you Dr.Google, stop fucking with my head!

2009-09-21T18:12:00.002-04:00

I really, really, REALLY need to stop googling things like

"implantation bleeding"

"how heavy is implantation bleeding?"

"how long does implantation spotting last?"

"what does implantation bleeding look like?"

And my favorite,

"brown, bleeding" because it just sounds so fucking disgusting.

Fuck.

The past 2 weeks at a glance.

2009-09-19T17:20:00.005-04:00

Work. Lots and lots of fucking work. Entirely to much work if ya ask me. Its flu shot season, and in case I've never mentioned it before, I fucking LOATH flu shot season. I'd rather have the flu, then deal with flu shots at work.

James (slum lord) was supposed to have paid us by 9-17-09. It is now 9-20-09 and that cock monger has yet to pay us. So that means we'll have to take his retarded ass back to court and ask to either have his wages garnished or his bank accounts. Whatever we do, it means another fucking day in court and time missed from work. I fucking hate that asshole. Fo sho.

My boss brought my name to corporate level. This, is a good thing. I plan on asking for a raise and to be made senior tech and having the pharmacy manager go to corporate and tell them all sorts of good shit about me..well....it looks good. For me.

The house we live in, is no longer for sale. YAY for not having to move again anytime soon. That my friends, is a huge weight off my shoulders.

My period is fucking with me. I started spotting 4-5 days before my period was due. Not bleeding. Just light brownish spotting. And just a little tiny bit. I figured it was just my period coming a bit early. Nope. Been spotting for 2 days now. Not enough for a tampon, not really even enough for a pad. Basically its just a bit on the TP.

Boobs hurt. I'm hot all the time. I just feel a bit off.

I bought a test tonight and no surprise it was negative. So what the fucking fuck is my body doing then?! I'm glad I bought one of the cheap store brand tests, because I would have been even more pissed off had I actually spent more than $9. I thought for sure taking a test would convince my period to just make with the making. I mean, thats a sure fire way to get your period right? Take a pregnancy test. Always been that way in the past. But no, nothing. No period and no pregnancy. What the shit.

Two people I work very closely with just got married. Not to each other. Its only a matter of time before the "omg we're pregnant" announcements happen. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself now. So far...I'm not prepared. Nope, not one bit.

Thats about it. Goddamn I'm interesting.

Pardon me while my head explodes....

2009-09-01T10:29:00.002-04:00

The Duggars are having another baby.

ANOTHER FUCKING BABY!

This will be number 19. 19 fucking children. 19!!

I cant even get fucking pregnant with one more....and this bitch is gonna pop out her 19th?! ARGH!

Someone needs to shut down that womans uterus. They are going to take over the world. Her oldest son has already started to carry out the tradition. He is expecting his first kid soon.

Fucking 19....I hate them. And I don't care how shitty that sounds. I hate her, and her perfect uterus that was obviously designed to repopulate the earth. I hate him and his perfect little swimmers that can apparently fertilize a fucking egg from across the room. I just hate them and their fertileness. The fucking jerks.

19 goddamn kids.

Our trip to Boston.

2009-08-26T09:35:00.006-04:00

Apparently this has become one of those blogs. You know the ones, where the blog owner really has nothing of any substance to say. So instead she throws a bunch of pictures up and calls it a day. Yea, hi.

Anyway, we took Monkey to Boston this past weekend and I took about a million pictures. Dont worry I wont put all of them on here. Just some.

Monkey and I at the Butterfly observatory.
My husband and I.
Family fun...
Dont forget it.
Probably my favorite picture.
Thats a big engine. Duh.
Bubbles! It made really cool shaped bubbles.
He started counting the rings, but got bored by the time he hit twenty.
Meh
Living statue.
Family pic. Poor kid needed sunglasses.
Squinty and mama

And thats all I'll put up.

Go ahead, Ooooooo and ahhhhhhhh.

Anyone have a magic wand?

2009-08-20T09:38:00.005-04:00

The summer is almost gone. And with it, any and all free time that I may or may not have had to devote to fertility related stuff.
This summer was really the only easy time I would have had to do all those things like a million doctors visits, Ultrasounds, blood draws, blah blah blah, you know the drill.
If I chose to do them during the school year, it means pissing off my boss and co-workers. It means asking my ex husband if Monkey can spend the night with him if I have an early morning appointment, to make sure he gets to school on time. It means missing time from work for both K and myself.

So basically, it means HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IT? Seriously. I mean, I still have more weight to lose so I'm not ready just yet. But the time will come and unless someone has a magic wand I can borrow...I dont know how the fuck to manage all of it.

Om nom Zombie BBQ '09

2009-08-16T23:01:00.007-04:00

My husband and I really like Zombies. Like a lot. And so, we decided that we needed to have our first annual Om nom Zombie BBQ. Far to tired to write a whole lot, so here are some pics from the party.

This is me stuffing my face, Om nom nom! Zombies dont diet!

Apparently, according to K ALL girls take it up the pooper on prom night. Even Zombies.

My sister and Reno wanted to go down to the river, kind of a good shoot. Grrr, and stuff.
Shaun(s). From Shaun of the dead. Don't you just hate it when you show up to a party and some other bitch is wearing the same thing?
He never saw it coming.
Jen and I. She is a rather clean Zombie. I however, was not.
They said do something. So I did.
Zombie American Gothic?

Creepy me.

My "bite mark" that turned me from an innocent prom queen to a Zombie prom queen.
Om nom nom!

She said "eat me!"
Yummmmmm!

When Zombies are attacked. It was the end of the night and we wanted to see just how hard we had to try, to get this thing to finally fall apart....
Success! After the major rip it was still staying on....so, I did what any good Zombie would do, I improvised....
And I turned that bitch into a sarong.
Yea, we're kinda weird like that. This is going to be an annual thing. Next year, more people better dress up! Freakin party poopers. We had a blast, and so did everyone else. I'm still stuffed from all the food there was. Oooooooooh. More pictures to follow. Maybe.

How about a nice steaming cup of Fuck You?

2009-08-14T13:40:00.007-04:00

We went to court yesterday. And I have decided that court is no fun. We had to be there for 10am, and just to make sure everything was set we arrived about 1/2 hour early.
I walked through the metal detectors and of course set the stupid things off all three times I went through. So after taking off any and everything I possibly could, they decided to wand me. I assumed the position. That wanding isn't nearly as violating as the wanding I've grown accustomed to. So, that was good.
As soon as we walked in, I saw James Keithan. Our old slum lord. Ya'll remember reading about him right? I'm sure you also remember we sued him for our security and for the months that we had to live there with raw sewage and rodents. And if you remember that, you'll probably remember he counter sued us for damages. Which was a GIANT steaming pile of shit.
Anyway, there he was, looking smug as hell and he actually tried to get our attention. Um, fuck that? I gave him the "eat shit, asshole" look and walked right past him.

We were the very last case on the docket because we were the only case there that wasn't something like "capitol one vs So and So". And I must say, I obtained great satisfaction that the entire time we had to sit there, James was paying his pre-pubescent lawyer through the nose.

Guys, I gotta tell you....I'm pretty fucking awesome under pressure. I knew I did well in scary situations. I know I can handle blood and guts. I'm a pretty tough chic. But I had no idea I could be this good. I looked professional. I was calm cool and collected (on the outside) Inside, I was freaking out. I had all my documents and pictures organized. I was all set to kick some ass. We had originally intended for K to do all the talking, as I tend to loose my temper quite quickly. That changed however, when we realized just how rattled K was by all of this. I took a deep breath, put my game face on and tackled that shit with grace.

I approached the "bench" with all of my evidence. I explained all of it to the magistrate, I answered his questions with knowledge and I was articulate as shit. I didn't stutter or stammer. I didn't say "um" and "like". My voice didn't waiver once.
I handled all the sideways questions that the scum bag lawyer threw my way. He couldn't phase me. He tried. But failed. Ha ha, bitch. Don't mess with me, I'm older than you and I'm right.
Suck it!

That little fucker James sat there and lied through his scummy teeth. I mean straight up fucking lied. He said that we destroyed the place and now he couldn't rent it out because of the damage we did! Um? No. How about, you cant rent it out because its not fit for humans, despite how much work we put into it?
And, the cock sucker had the balls to call me crazy. I had to pinch myself to keep from lunging over his lawyer and choking his stupid ass. Anyone with half a brain could tell that both of them were full of shit. They both stutter when the lie. Mr. Lawyer pants needs to work on his game face, cause seriously....I had him. Ha! So after about an hour of them lying and us showing all of our evidence, we were set free.

Apparently, the way small claims works is you go, present your case and then wait until the courts clerk sends you a letter letting you know the verdict. I thought we would have had an answer yesterday when we had the trial. I was wrong. We then figured we should hopefully know something within the next few weeks. Once again, we were wrong.

I found a letter in our PO Box today.

WE WON!!

James has until 9-17-09 to pay us......$4,030.00.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Eat that, asshole!

Mmmmmmm, know what it tastes like?

VICTORY!

I'm just sayin....

2009-08-11T13:58:00.005-04:00

veinte

vingt

venti

zwanzig

d'vadtsat'

ni jyu

Sumol

Fucking twenty!

Thats how much I've lost. Feel free to tell me to shut the hell up when this shit gets annoying.

Oh, and also...I dont know if those numbers are actually right. If not, oh well. My bad.

Mom says not in the face!

2009-08-10T09:43:00.005-04:00

So I'm laying in bed last night(not really. It was more like 1am), trying desperately to fall asleep...and I hear my cat Pandora doing this weird "mrooooooow" noise in the hall way. She was getting really loud. Louder than I've heard her meow before. Ugh. Stupid cat.

Me(in a loud whisper): Pan! Shut up!

Pan: MROOOOOWWWW!!

Me(grumbling): Bitch.

So I lay there for a few minutes listening to her noises and then she stops. Thank goddess.
I close my eyes and try to drift off. Its pitch black in the bedroom because my husband likes it that way.
I hear Pan come into the room, and I open my eyes. Yes, I can hear better in the dark if my eyes are open. Shes making a new noise, but I cant tell what shes doing. So I lay there in the dark listening. It sounds like she is at the foot of the bed, on the floor messing with something. I ignore it for about 5 minutes and then the noises start to get louder. This weird lip smacking noise (if cats had lips!). I sit up so I can hear better, and throw my pillow towards the foot of the bed(bad idea in hindsight.)

Me(A little louder but still a whisper): Pan! Knock it off!

Pan: Om nom nom nom!

Now my cats have been know to eat some weird shit. Plants, dead leaves, hair ties...etc. So I didn't immediately hop out of bed to see what she was trying to hoark down. But the noise. Ack! The noise she was making was driving me insane! So I jumped out of bed trying to scare her out of the room, and that little bitch growled at me!

Me(not whispering any more): Oh hell no!

Pan: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! <------thats her, "I'm not fuckin around don't you dare come near me" growl. And then the little bitch took off. I flipped the light switch on just in time to see her hauling furry ass down the stairs. With something very tiny in her mouth, and Tom(our other cat) in hot pursuit. Me:Shit shit shit! K! Help....Pans got....uh...something that I think is alive!!

We finally got her cornered downstairs under the dinging room table and I could make out the body of a very tiny mouse hanging out of her mouth. Like itty bitty baby mouse. *shudder*

Me: Get her! Grab her by her stupid fucking neck!

Now, our cats have never hurt any mouse they have ever caught. Not even in the old place when they were catching them all the time. They always just batted them around and played with them. Usually we corner the cat, take the mouse away and set it free outside.

Not this time.

K: Got her! Pan! Drop it!! *shakes the cat*

Me: Ohhhhhhhh, its just a baby. I hope she didn't hurt it. Look how tiny.....AHHHHHHH!!! Holy shit, she chewed its fucking face off! Bad cat! You stupid, mean cat!

K: What the......

Me: Its fucking face is gone!

Pan: Lunges back at the faceless mouse.

Me: Nooooo!! Jesus, didn't you feed her today!?

K grabbed the cat, and I got mouse duty. I picked it up by the tail, trying really hard to not look at it. Which by the way, is impossible to do when you're trying to make sure you don't get chewed up face guts on yourself or your rug. And took it outside. K told me to fling it over the fence, but I was afraid to get to much flinging momentum going for fear that some bodily fluid would fly out of its face hole at me. So I just kinda lobbed it gently. And did a little shriek. Ugh.

I didn't end up getting to sleep until well after 2am. I kept seeing a faceless baby mouse every time I closed my eyes.

Stupid face chewing cat.

Well hello there, Sexy. Long time no see....

2009-08-04T12:53:00.002-04:00

I was looking in the mirror yesterday and I saw something that caught me off guard.

I saw me.

The me I've missed so much. There she was smiling back at me. Bright blue-green eyes. Pretty little freckles. Nice full pink lips. Tiny turned up nose. Long dark hair draped over her shoulders and down her back. Soft pale skin. Defined jaw line. A slender, sexy neck connecting to slim shoulders and collar bones. There she was. She was there and she was gorgeous. Fuck, I've missed her.

Its been so long since I looked in the mirror and actually liked what I saw. Honestly, I cant even remember the last time.
But yesterday? I loved* what I saw. I saw me. Not the me that was there just a few short months ago. Not the me that looked like a bigger me ate me.

Just me.

The way I'm supposed to be. Well, almost. Just 21 more pounds to go (yes, I realize that number has changed. I changed my goal weight.)
Damn, it feels good to like the way I look again.

*This euphoric feeling is subject to change on a daily basis*

It hurts so good.

2009-07-29T12:04:00.007-04:00

Down Dog is the bane of my yoga existence. Looks easy as hell. I assure you, its not. G'head....give it a try. And then hold it there, for at least 5 full breaths. Then repeat.

Are your shoulders burning yet? Arms shaking? Legs burning? Mine were! Apparently this is the "go to" pose in Yoga. I've been told to learn to love it, as I'll be doing it often. Gah. My shoulders do not love it.

Then try this. This is fun....

My leg doesnt go that high. Yet. I've been told it will though. We'll see...

And this....what the fuck is THIS. I mean, really. I am never going to be able to fold in half like this. I can barely touch my toes!

Anyone that scoffs at Yoga and thinks its easy and not a workout, deserves a punch to the throat. This shit aint easy. For real.

19 pounds to go...

2009-07-27T11:40:00.004-04:00

Bwahahahaha!! This picture made me laugh. Hard.

Dr. Phil, you're crazy. I love you man, but you're crazy.

OK, in all seriousness, I've dropped 13 pounds. I can see it on the scale, and I notice my body changing. My face looks thinner, my arms have toned up, I THINK my ass is smaller, andholyshitIfoundmyfuckingcollarbones!
Oh, and I can finally fit back into my DD bras. Fuck yea! I no longer have to deal with DDD's! So long you ugly bitches! Buh bye. Peace the fuck out. Mwah! My jeans are all getting big on me as well. Though I refuse to buy new clothes until I have reached my goal. 19 more pounds. 19! I can do this. I can totally do this! Fo sho.

I just ordered 3 new workout DVD's, because my sister and I have developed a very un-healthy hatred for Jillian. I envision myself bashing her face with one of my hand weights. And I've heard Diana wish death upon her many a time. Its not the workout in itself we loath. Its Jillian. Her voice. The fact that we've memorized, verbatim every single fucking word that comes out of her stupid mouth. She is antagonistic and condescending. Ack. I'm just so over Jillian right now. Lately we've been doing Pilates with Ellen. We like Ellen. So far, we don't even want to punch Ellen in the head. This is a good thing.
The New DVD's will be good because it'll give us a variety, and we wont get bored. I get bored easy. So as soon as the 3 new ones show up, we'll have a different workout to do Monday through Friday. Yay.

I've decided to try Power yoga. A Pilates Yoga blend. And Yoga for weight loss for beginners.

19 pounds? I got this. Sexy new car, and a sexy new me. What? Oh yeaaaaaa. Thats right. Uh huh. Bring it.

Or something.

OK, I'm done now....

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets...

2009-07-25T15:10:00.006-04:00

Please allow me to introduce you to Lola....

Aint she purty?

I love this little car.
Monkey loves it.
I think K is mad that I got a new car and he didnt. He says he isnt. I disagree. Whatever. I deserve this friggin car!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stare into the driveway at my NEW CAR!

WTfuckingF!

2009-07-23T09:39:00.005-04:00

Seriously, every fucking time I loan my child to his father, I get him back either broken or sick. And its getting pretty goddamn old.
This time around, he has an ear infection. "Swimmers ear" to be precise.
The kid has been in agony since I got him back on Sunday. Yes, I've taken him to the doctors. AGAIN.
We have antibiotic/steroidal ear drops that we have to do four times a day. Except, they don't seem to be helping. We've been doing them since Monday, and the poor kid is still in a lot of pain. Now, I don't remember ever having "swimmers ear" but I've heard its really painful. And I hate that he is in so much pain. I called his doctor yesterday to see if we should be expecting some relief anytime soon, and I never got a call back. Color me pissed off. I don't like being ignored, especially when it comes to my baby. That triggers the Mama Bear syndrome. Grrrrr! So I called again today, and it turns out I was right. He needs to be on an oral antibiotic. Hurray.

Speaking of the Mama Bear, my Jack ass ex-husband and his white trash skank girlfriend decided to smoke around my son the entire time they were on vacation. Not fucking happy. I have made it 8 and 1/2 friggin years without EVER smoking around him and those stupid ass fuckers couldn't make it 10 days. 10 fucking days! And so, I have decided to hit him in the only spot he cares about. His wallet.
First let me say, I am the best ex wife ever. I didn't ask for alimony. I gave him the house. I made sure I left him with all the things he needed. I have NEVER ever put any stipulations on how often he can see his son. When he was struggling financially, I let him skip weeks on his child support without ever bringing it up again. I never took him back to court when he started making A LOT more money, even though I should have. The court stipulated that he was to pay 50% of un reimbursed medical costs. I have NEVER asked for a penny of that. Until today that is. The way I look at it is, if he cares so fucking little about the physical well being of his son, little enough that he feels OK with smoking in a car with my child, then he can damn well start paying up his portion of the co pays. And so I totaled it up. Its a lot. Aaaaaaand its not even including the past ER visit as we haven't gotten that bill yet.
Maybe next time he feels like lighting up around the Monkey, his wallet will scream out and change his mind. The lousy Taint.

Just a quick update.

2009-07-20T09:36:00.002-04:00

OK...lets see,

I've lost 12 pounds total thus far. Yay!

Still dieting and working out as often as I can. I still loath it, but at least I'm seeing results. Thats what keeps me going. "Only" 20lbs to go!

There was an open house here yesterday. Booooo!

Yes, the house we live in is for sale. Meh. If it sells you will all be hearing from me via a padded cell, because I will lose my little mind if I have to move AGAIN. I'm not even kidding.

My son is back from his vacation with his father. Thank goddess!

I missed my kid so fuckin much! This was the longest I have ever been away from him and it killed me. Longest 10 days eva! I'm so glad to have him back with me, where I know he is being taken care of.

I spent all last week babysitting my friends 6 week old son. Sigh. So cute!

Seriously, hella cute kid. And to be very honest...it didn't upset me. I thought that maybe it would be tough...y'know, with us not being able to have our own right now. But it wasn't. I fell right into a routine with him, and my sister has dubbed me the baby whisperer. Thankfully, I haven't lost my touch. =)

I'm getting a new car. Weeee!

The death trap is officially gone. I'm in a loaner for the week, and next Saturday I will have my brand new sexy little Jetta. Soooooooo excited. Almost 30 years old and this is the first car loan I have ever had.

We finally got our court date. August 13th at 10am. Ugh.

Finally! I'm a little nervous, but not really. Like I've said before, I don't know how we could possibly lose. I don't care that he went out and got himself a fancy lawyer. Facts are facts. Pictures and videos don't lie. Heres to hoping...

Thanks Teena!

2009-07-10T09:51:00.004-04:00

Today is my blogoversary. And I had all but forgotten until Teena popped by and wished me a happy one. Thanks Teena!

Wow, one year. I've been blogging about my infertility journey and life for one whole year. Most people write some profound post for their one year blogoversary. I have nothing profound to say sadly.

I'm still not pregnant.

But you know, I'm kinda OK with it. Not that I don't still want a baby, because I absolutely do. But I'm on a new mission, one that will take me (hopefully) towards becoming pregnant. I'm on a mission to drop an ass load of weight. I'm on a very strict healthy diet. And I am working out at least 3-4 times a week. Usually more like 4-5 times.
This is just another stepping stone towards us having another child. I want my body to be in the best shape possible when we do finally get pregnant. The weight loss will be an all around good thing. Physically and mentally. And not to mention I'll be super fucking HOT!! Rawr.

I looked back on some of my older posts, and there was such sadness and anger in some of them. I don't feel sad and angry anymore. I feel determined. I will get pregnant. Just not right this second.
And so, for the time being, I'm focusing on becoming as healthy as I can, being the best mother possible to monkey, and just being happy. I'll get the coveted two lines someday. I will. And when I do, my body will be ready.

Over the past year, I have had the privilege of "meeting" some fanfuckingtastic people. Seriously. SO many of these people have become part of my life. I laugh with them, cry with them, get angry with them, mourn with them and for the lucky few I celebrate with them.

I love you all. And thanks for reading my crap over the last year.

This is what happens when my sister and I drink together!

2009-07-05T15:02:00.005-04:00

I laughed to the point of tears. I have other videos, but they are sideways and I cant seem to figure out how to turn them. Quite annoying. If you feel like it...tilt your head to the right...otherwise, you just get this one.

Diana and Reno:

My mom and I:

And I think there are pictures of the "marshmallow speaking" contest....I'm not 100% sure though. I'll have to check into that.

How was your 4th of July?

Is it weird...

2009-07-01T15:10:00.002-04:00

That I love totally overcast days? No sun to speak of really. Just cloudy.
I think I seriously could go the rest of my life without another bright sunny day, and be completely happy. And I love rain too.
The sun and I, we just don't mesh well together.
Weird as it may be, I just don't like the sun, and I hope the rest of the summer stays nice and overcast.
I have very fair (princess) skin, and I burn easily. Which is part of the reason I dont like the sun. The other part is I have wicked sensitive eyes. I think maybe a little over sensitive to be honest. Oh and also, I loath sweating for no good reason. Seriously, if I'm just standing there, and I'm sweating...I'm not okay with that. Workout sweat? yea ok. Sex sweat? please and thank you! Sweat for no good reason other than the mean ass sun is out? No fucking thank you!

Still going strong with diet and exercise. As a matter of fact, I just moved up to level two on Jillian's DVD. My sister and I usually work out together, and I gotta say it makes it so much more fun when she is there. We laugh. A lot. Which I certainly do not do when she isn't there with me. Don't get me wrong, we're working our asses off and sweating like Guatemalan whores, but we manage to have a decent time of it.
The scale hasn't moved. No weight lost and no weight gained. I'll take it. I forgot (again) to get a measuring tape. But I'm certain I've lost inches. I think my boobs are getting smaller too. Woo!
My husband says he is proud of me, but has yet to say anything about me LOOKING any better. I guess maybe I've got a "bit" more to go before the compliments start flowing in?

Meh, whatever. I'm trying.

Its quite possible that....

2009-06-29T13:13:00.003-04:00

I am THE most boring mother alive.

Seriously.

Ask my eight year old.

I've gotta get my ass in gear for the summer. And I, apparently in my old age have lost all imaginative capabilities and the ability to be fun. I am the suck.

So, dear internet friends....any ideas?

No stone throwing please. As I'm feeling fragile.

Please dont let this be an indicator.

2009-06-25T08:59:00.004-04:00

My poor kid. He has had his ass kicked over the last 5 days. I'm praying to anyone that is listening, that this isn't how the entire summer is going to go. Lets see, so far he has...

Had poison Ivy all over, and I mean ALL OVER. Yes, even on his bits. Trip ONE to the Doctors.
Had a tick on his ankle. Which is now red, so I'll be watching it over the next 24 hours to see if it does anything or if he had just scratched it. I see a dr's appointment in our future...
A leech on his knee.
Many, many cuts and bruises.
Fallen out of bed and smashed his face on his nightstand at his fathers.
Gotten soap in his urethra while washing himself in the shower, which resulted in a trip to the ER, because dammit, I don't have a penis and I didn't know what to do with my sobbing 8 year old.
Re caught poison ivy because his father didn't do the one fucking thing I asked and change the kids goddamn sheets at his house! Its now all over his face and his eye is swollen. Yesterday he looked like a boxer. With the cream applied, its looking better today. Trip TWO to the Doctors.
And now, his lip is infected from where he fell out of bed and put his lower teeth into his bottom lip. Thankfully, Dr.B is just calling in an antibiotic and NOT making me bring him in for the third time.

Please, please, please let this be it. No more.

Two weeks in..

2009-06-24T09:56:00.002-04:00

And I'm still going strong.
Still dieting, and still working out. Just about everyday I might add. Mostly I do Jillian's DVD, and just for an extra kick in the butt I'll do Billy's once a week. I'm sore. And I still fucking loath working out, but I'm doing it.

I think the reason I am still so sore is because I have been stretching wrong. Who knew? Apparently, I should not have been doing static stretching BEFORE my workouts. I'd always been taught that those stretches were going to help me. I was wrong. I should have been doing dynamic stretching beforehand and static stretching afterwords. Oops! My bad. Oh well, ya live and ya learn. I've corrected my stretching routine, and hopefully over the next week the soreness will fade. Goddess, I hope so!

Ready for this?

I've lost 7 pounds! And while its not even close to my goal amount, its something. And something, is gooooood. What I forgot to do was measure myself when I first started. I think my clothes feel different, but I'm not sure. Right now, the only thing I have to go by is the scale. Its a love/hate relationship. (Very much like the love/hate I feel for Jillian.)
So tonight at work I am going to buy a measuring tape and start keeping track of that as well. Y'know...cause its fun to have one more thing to obsess over.

I've got a big goal...and I'm on my way to reaching it.

The Devil wears spandex.

2009-06-17T11:53:00.003-04:00

He does. Seriously. And his name is Billy Blanks. That is one sick and twisted man, and I'm certain he was trying to off me last night. Ha ha fucker face, you failed. Mostly.

Holy crap, did that work out kick my ass though! I couldn't keep up with those anorexic bitches he had with him either. I slacked, I had to. If I had actually tried to keep pace with them, I'm certain I wouldn't be here writing this right now. I toned it back a bit, but I still got one hell of a work out. Like uber sweaty, red in the face, ohmygodkillmenow type cardio work out.
Thankfully the only one that witnessed all of this was my 8 year old, who felt the need to correct my form when kicking. I almost threw him out of the room until he started bashing the waifs on the T.V. I decided he could stay after he told me they were so thin that they were creepy. Smart boy! They were seriously gross. I don't EVER want to be that thin. I like having curves, and these women were like skin and bones. And NO boobs! Fuck that noise. I like my boobs.

There was this one chic up in the front row, that was so thin that every time she moved I thought her hip bone was going to poke through the skin. Ew. And, she was wearing these spandexish blue work out pants...by about 1/2 way through the work out she was sweating so much that she looked like she had pissed her pants. Maybe she did, who knows. What I do know is I was very distracted by her ever growing crotch sweat she had going on. Once again, EW! Note to self, don't wear blue pants when sweating.

After I did the DVD, I lifted weights and was fully expecting to wake up paralyzed this AM. I was quite surprised to be only a little sore. So my sister and I went for another 2 mile walk.
Tomorrow I will do the other work out DVD I bought, Jillean from "The biggest loser". Lets see how bad she kicks my ass.

I'm hell bent!! I will lose weight.

Do I look fucking retarded?

2009-06-16T16:38:00.005-04:00

OK, just to clear things up.

I AM NOT STARVING MYSELF.

For fucks sake. Really? I am 30 fucking pounds over weight. Do you really think I have the willpower to starve myself? I submit that I DO NOT.

I am eating. Not only am I eating, but I'm eating really healthy. I assure you, I am. I'm also working my ass off, quite literally.

So please, chill out. I realize you're trying to be helpy helper...but I got this.

Oh, and Step, I did like you said and upped it by about 250 calories. Thanks for the help! =)