OMG you guys!!

  I did it.  I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  Not only have I figured it out, but I've started taking steps towards achieving it.  I registered for college.  Whaaaaaaat?!  I know!  Me.  College. Its cray cray! 

If everything keeps moving forward the way it has been and I dont meet too many obstacles, I'll most likely be starting school 10/29.  OF THIS YEAR! Thats 21 days away.  Gah!  Just a few things to get in line first.  And even if I cant manage to sort things out before the 29th, I'll still be going to college, I'll just have to wait until Jan.  Either way, I'm doing it. 

I've already taken my placement exams, which was a train wreck!  I did really well on the reading comp, even better on the writing comp, passed the "basic math" and totally bombed the algebra portion.  A little back story on me, I dropped out of school when I was 15 years old.  I never DID algebra.  Like ever.  So when I opened that portion of the exams, I literally felt like I was staring at ancient hieroglyphics! I googled some of it and guessed at the rest. Oh, hello, fail! But whatever, I'll just need to take some algebra classes.  No big.  I hope.

Oh...you're probably wondering what it is I've decided to do, huh?  Well my lovelies..I'm going back to school for Mortuary Science.  Yes, it is what you think it is.  I'm going to school to become a mortician.  Its something I've had an interest in for a long time (it all started when the movie My Girl came out in 1991 and was reignited when I watched the series 6 feet under), and I've finally decided to just go for it.  I mean, I aint gettin any younger.  I need a career, not just a job.  And this field is basically recession proof.  You cant escape death. We're all gonna die eventually. 

So thats what I've been working on (well some of what I've been working on) lately.  

Wish me luck! :)  Its gonna be a long hard road, but its so worth it.

One year ago..

I was happy.  My heart was full.  I thought no one could take it away from me.


I was wrong.

I was very wrong.

OK, so here it is...

...I dont know what I want to be when I grow up.

There.  I said it.  I. Have. NO. Direction.  Like fucking noooooone.

I just know that I'm meant to do something different.  What that thing is, I havent the foggiest clue. But I know I need something more in my life.  Dont get me wrong, I love being a makeup artist.  However, I know realistically its not going to go anywhere impressive.  I'm alright at what I do, but I'm not amazing.  I dont see this taking off and being some whirlwind career.

How the fuck do people just KNOW what they want to do??  I mean really?  .

Theres a lot of things in my life that I hate or would give anything to change, but I cant.  I feel like my job/career should be one of the things I CAN change.  But I'm stuck.  Like where do I start?!

Someone asked me what I'm passionate about.....

....um......I.....hmmmmmm....I dont know.  What AM I passionate about??  I'm a passionate person, I feel very deeply about a lot of things, I love passionately....but what the fuck am I passionate about?
I got nuttin.  Do I really have no passions?  Add that to the list of things that need addressing..  The list is getting quite long.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a nurse. 4 years of being a CNA changed that.  I wanted to be a vet too, but I think every kid wants to do that at some point.  I wanted to be in the Army, but then I got married and had my son.  Now they wont take me because I'm a single mother.  I wanted to be a police officer really badly, but I couldnt convince myself to leave Monkey so I could go to the academy.  Now, I'm 32 and out of shape.  And lets be honest....they probably dont want me either.  I've got a less than sparkling past.

I recently considered going to school for mortuary science.  And then realized theres a whole lotta fuckin school involved in that shit.  I hate school.  I'm not quite the scholarly type. But, lets pretend I got my head out of my ass and decided to just suck it up and go back to school...how the fuck am I supposed to do THAT and work and be mom?  How is that even possible?  I know it must be, I just cant figure out the logistics...

I gotta do SOMETHING.  I cant stay where I am and how I am for much longer.

Its gotten old.

Quite.