Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Lets try this again shall we...

I'm dieting.

Again.

I've also started walking. My sister and I walked over two miles this morning, and I've cut my caloric intake dramatically. I cant be fat anymore. Seriously, its not OK for someone my height to weigh as much as I do.
I look in the mirror and I want to scream, I walk past pictures of me from 3 years ago, and it makes me sad. And so, I need to do something.
This is the reason I canceled my appointment for today. I cant bear the thought of gaining more weight. At this rate, if I were to actually get pregnant, and given the fact that I will most likely have gestational diabetes again...I could easily get close to 200lbs. Just writing that makes me want to cry.
And so, due to my fat ass, I will not be seeing my new RE until I lose a lot of weight. Like at least 30lbs. Say what you will, I already know I'm pretty. I do, really. I am a very pretty woman. But I'm still fat. And I need to change that. I've allowed myself to become this way.
I am angry with myself for becoming the fat wife. I know my husband doesn't like the way I look now, and that makes me incredibly sad. I've managed to make myself unappealing to the one adult I love more than myself. How sad is that?

So...here we are again. On a diet. Forcing myself to exercise. I will stick to it this time, even if it kills me. Which it might.
That or I'll get arrested for stealing someones sandwich, cause let me tell you, I. Am. Starving. I'm afraid at any moment I am going to have a psychotic break and black out only to wake up a few hours later covered in mayo and surrounded by subway wrappers. And not the 6 inch ones either.

Wish me luck. So far, I'm doing alright. Not feeling to freaked out yet. I don't know how long thats gonna last though.
Raging hungry bitch really isn't a personality trait I strive for. Hopefully my body will cooperate.

22 comments:

Gwen said...

You know how I feel about this issue so I won't bore you with my opinions. Just know that I worry about you. Be safe. And kind to yourself. You don't deserve to be starved.

Bubba said...

Hey honey Im jumping on this band wagon.
I have a wedding in 10 months.. and ivf icsi in 11 months !!
So itsfair to say I have a goal in mind !!
Lets do this !. xx

Lea said...

Wishing you lots of luck!

Megs said...

Good luck Sarah! Im sure if you put your mind to it, you can hit that goal :) I will be cheering you on!! By the way, a kick your butt exercise regimen is the Billy Blanks Tae Bo Boot Camp. Kicked my ass...literally. Just a suggestion :)

And please don't starve yourself, we would like to keep hearing from you in the blogosphere!! Good luck woman!! :)

Just Caz said...

Weight is such a hard issue to deal with.

Here is the recipe for the pasta I made.

http://recipefinder.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=588016

I added the bacon myself, I add bacon to everything..
It was good with bacon, and good without.
I used normal pasta as well.

AmyC623 said...

Awesome!!! As you know, I am doing the same. I found that the ravenous hunger wore off after a few days. I am really proud of you! Good luck; we are going to be smoking hot sooner rather than later :-)

PJ said...

Oh honey, I hope it just melts off if that's what you want!

Hugs

Sarah said...

Gwen- I do know how you feel about this sweetie, and you also know how I feel. I'm not actually starving. Trust me, even if I was...I've got 30lbs of blubber to live off of. =)

Bubba- Cheers.

Lea- Thanks hun, I have a feeling I am going to need it.

Megs- Y'know, I vaguely remember doing Tae Bo back in my MUCH thinner and healthier days. Must go out and find another copy of it.

Caz- Yummm, bacon makes everything better doesnt it? I'll have to save this dish for when I treat myself to something tasty.

Amy- Seriously, we better be! Cause this diet shit sucks hard core.

PJ- Melted fat...Mmmmmm! lol

Casey said...

Walking is so good for you! It's easy to motivate in the warmer months too. Great place to walk...the boardwalk in litchfield, part of Whites woods. Christopher loves to walk around it, and I think it is a 1.5 around, so a couple of times is great. Pretty too!

Sarah said...

Casey- Mmmm, yea...thats a bit to much nature for my liking. Been there done that, and while its pretty, it turns ugly very quickly when something touches me while I'm on a part that is over that creepy swamp water. No where to run.

Megan said...

Good luck. I think that consistency and persistance is the key.

Courtney said...

I also did Billy but I also used Leslie Sansone's walking DVDs (at Target and Best Buy (I know for sure) for those days it is too cold or now too hot to do something outside!

I hate being fat and the fact that I will have an ASSLOAD of weight to lose again sucks!

Why can't I have that metabolism I had 15 years ago??? I didnt mean to take it for granted and IF I could have it back I promise I wouldnt take it for granted again!!

Stace said...

I don't know if this would help, but at one point I was going through the Weight Watchers way of doing thing (I say the "way" because I was wayy too cheap to actually pay to go to meetings and such) and I easily lost 15 pounds without trying. I liked it because I really could still eat anything... it was just about moderation and paying attention to fiber. I found that I could easily get through breakfast and lunch with healthy things that weren't many points and then I could eat a bit more for dinner.

There are lots of good "knockoff" websites out there to help you calculate your daily points requirement (so you know how much you can eat) and then sites that help you determind how many "points" each food is. I find it wayyy easier than counting calories and I really didn't feel deprived because you have 35 "flex points" a week and that's A LOT of food.

Good luck and stay healthy!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Just don't be fucking stupid, eh?

Sarah said...

Megan- I would rather get lipo...

Courtney- Um, you're pregnant. With TWINS. You're supposed to get big! Silly.

Stace- Thanks for the info. =)

X- Me? Stupid? Surely you have me confused with someone else!

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I totally understand. You need to be comfortable in yourself.

You can, and will, do it.

April said...

I am wishing you luck but I'm sure you don't need it...you'll do great! I have to lose some SERIOUS lbs. after this kid pops out. I was at my FATTEST when I got pregnant, so as you can imagine, looking at that number on the scale right now is BEYOND frightening. *SHUDDER*

Sarah said...

Kelley- Yea, thats exactly it. I'm not happy with ME. And I dont want to go through an entire pregnancy feeling like a fat cow.

April- You look beautiful. If that helps at all. =)

carolyn said...

I second the Weight Watchers comment. Mostly because it doesn't sound like you're doing it in a healthy way (you shouldn't be starving) or a way that you can sustain. Weight Watchers could help with that. Good luck! I'm rooting for you.

cozzie laura said...

Trust me, self-esteem issues abound in my house too! There's nothing worse than feeling crappy about your self, and your look.

Sending you a big diet hug, from the chick with the crappy hair.

Sarah said...

Carolyn- Once again, I am NOT actually starving myself. Sheesh people. I am being VERY healthy, and exercising. Screw Weight watchers. I got this.

Laura- Yep. Gotta love it huh? Thanks for the diet hugs! =)

Rassles said...

It's so easy to complain about being fat, and so much harder to just focus on being healthy.

So instead, I choose to remain lazy and ignore everything. Which is probably the least healthy response, but what the fuck ever.

You want to be healthier? Do it. Work it.