Monday, August 2, 2010

Dirty little secret.

IF, IUI's, Obsessing, IVF.....the whole thing. I think I'm done. I've been through enough. I'm tired. Emotionally and physically. Its just gotten so tiresome to be infertile lately. Y'know?

I guess I've been thinking about it for a little while, but it finally caught up to me. There are so many reasons to stop. The only reason to keep going with all of this bullshit, is to have a baby. Duh? I mean, I wanted a baby so badly it was all I could think about for so many years. But now.....I just don't think this is right for me. Not that I wouldn't be absolutely ecstatic if I were to actually become pregnant. Because clearly, I would. Honestly. keep going the way I've been going? Count me out.

I'm 30. Not that 30 is all that old. I know its not, settle down! Its just that I wanted to be DONE with having babies by now. Or at the very least be on my way to being done. Not moving to IVF. That was never in my wildest dreams. Or nightmares, as the case may be. Not that any of you or anyone for that matter actually dreams of going through this. I know the hell that this has become, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But I was SUPPOSED to be done by now.

I never wanted my children to be 9 years apart. Let alone 10-11. Or more. That just wasn't the way it was SUPPOSED to be. Not the way I want it to be. Originally, I wanted my children to be 2-3 years apart. My first divorce put the kibash on that. Damn him. Whatever.
Then, I was OK with them being 7 or so years apart, that obviously didn't happen.
Monkey is going to be 10 in December. 10! Which would mean he would be getting very close to 11 years old or maybe even older, if I ever actually gave birth again. Because who knows how long this shit really takes. Could be another 7 months before anything even happened. That just is not the way I planned it, goddammit!

This path, is a very rough path to be on and just doesn't seem like one I care to travel any longer.

I do believe my TTC journey is over....At least in the medical aspect. No more Doctors. If it happens, it happens. If not, well, I don't know. I don't know what will become of my blog. I don't know if I'll continue to write. If I do, I don't know what I'll write about. There are a lot of things I don't know. But I DO know, I'll still be reading.

So,am I superbly selfish? I feel like I might be.

Then again, I have been known to change my who knows. I am only 30 after all.


Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

I felt the same way after my IVF #1 that went SO TOTALLY SUCKY and the BITCH ASS RE said that "it appears there's an egg problem as well as a sperm problem" and that I might want to consider donor eggs when the real issue was that the assholes triggered me too early. Anyway, you know all of that. My point is that I took an 8 month break after that and I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue anything further either. I definitely don't want my kids to be SEVENTEEN years apart, but that is the way it is (God willing - I know that just because I'm pregnant is no guarantee I'll have real-live babies at the end of this). It sucks. All of it. Sucks giant donkey balls. I do hope that, whatever you decide, you keep your blog because I heart you.

Kahla said...

Never know what life will through your way or how you'll feel after a little break. I know I'll still be around. Hoping you find some answers, this is such a shitty road to be on.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Yep yep, it's got to be what you want to do, the whole shitty medical side that is.

Take your time out, recharge tha batteries.

Mind yourself.

womb for improvement said...

It isn't selfish. making a decision like this is anything but. Take care.

Courtney said...

I don't even know what to say... cause IF sucks a BIG fat one and it just isn't fair.

Can I be selfish and say I want to stay 'friends'? I'll miss you!Besides your posts always make me laugh... I need good laughs too!

I agree with Amy- I hope you keep your blog cause I HEART you too!

Kansas said...

at least you're being honest with yourself.
How does your dh feel?

lis said...

is that not a cruel set-up?!?!

you win! was it too obvious? i think its just a lil insensitive, but also something nobody but the collective "us" would realize/understand!

address please!