Okay, I was supposed to be picking my husband up at the airport this AM, but got word from him around 6:30 that his flight had been delayed, and I wouldn't be picking him up until this afternoon. Ok Fine. "that'll give me time to come home and shower" seeing as I didn't have time before taking Monkey to the bus. "good deal, maybe it'll help with my headache that has been hammering in my head like a jack hammer" This is what I thought. Then I realized that would put me on my way back from the airport when Monkey needed to be picked up. goodies, this means I have to call my EX-husband for help. I hate asking him for help. So instead I send him a text "can you please get Monkey from the bus, K's flight has been delayed" And I wait for a response......and still I wait.......15 minutes goes by....STILLLL waiting, finally I get one, and it says "probably" PROBABLY?! what the hell is that?! My headache is getting worse now. So I send back a semi-calm "I cant count on a PROBABLY!" And I wait........"yeah, okay I'll get him" Gee thanks Jack ass! Ok, great, so I head home from the bus stop. And I notice I am under a 1/2 tank of gas.....probably should get some huh? Sounds about right. So, I stop for some. May as well get smokes while I'm at it, because I have been smoking like a god damned chimney since I moved in here. Gross. Aaaaanyway, I stop at the worlds slowest gas pump and I put my measly 10$ in. Which took about 5 minutes to do! I'm freezing now, my hands hurt and this REALLY isn't helping my headache. Fine whatever. Gotta do it. I'm done now, so I can go home to relax, have some much needed coffee and take a HOT shower. Thank gods for small favors. Or so I thought.
I walk in the door, and what do I see? I see that my mothers BRILLIANT, and when I say brilliant, I mean the EXACT opposite, dogs, in the time it took me to take Monkey to the bus stop and get gas on the way home have decided to play destructo twins. One (I'm assuming the BIG dumb one) of them pulled a note pad off the counter, and they BOTH shredded the life out of it. I don't mean chewed it, I mean shredded it into itty bitty pieces and scattered it ALL OVER the kitchen. Oh, my head! Not cool, not cool at all.....so I step further into the house, as to better be able to scold them at close range...and what do I see? I see that they have not only trashed the kitchen with pieces of slimy chewed up notebook, but they have had themselves a little party in the living room as well. Its everywhere. My vision has gone wonky at this point from the pressure in my head. "What have you done?!" I yelled at the dogs...because we all know they understand me, and I am fully expecting an explanation. As, I'm taking in my new surroundings, I notice that Monkeys new Christmas place mat is ALSO on the floor in the living room. Oh no they didn't! I'm hearing ringing in my ears now. "what is that......" I'm yelling at them again, because I got so far with it the last time. And before I could finish my interrogation, I noticed that Monkeys place mat looks a little wet....so I step closer, and find that its a puddle of piss on it. Yes, piss. Dog piss to be exact.
I looked over at them and explained in the raised but not quite yelling voice " I swear to all the is good and decent, that if I get down on my hands and knees and find out, that is, what I think it is.....you better run for your lives" And so I did get down on all fours....because maybe just maybe I'm wrong, MAYBE the little beasts had spilled water on it or there was a massive leak in the ceiling....but I knew....and I did it anyways, all the while those two assholes are watching me.....Being down on all all fours, is making the jack hammer sound in my head 10X louder. And once it was confirmed that yes, it was in fact DOG PISS, I screamed " GET OUTSIDE!!" and I tell you I have never seen BOTH of them do exactly what they were told to do with such speed. Its a shame they don't listen unless their lives are in danger. I was going to kill them both if they hadn't hauled ass outside. And I don't mean that as a euphemism. I was going to choke the life out of their furry little bodies.
At this point, I feel my stomach getting swimmy...this headache has reached its full potential I think. The nausea has set in. Great. So I wake up Diana, because really, someone else needs to witness this. And once she's up and staring at the mess with me, asking "why? Why would they pee on Monkeys place mat?!" I boldly tell her, " I am NOT cleaning this up!" which was a risk, because if she didn't do it.....it wouldn't have gotten done, NOT my dogs dammit, I refused. But she did. Like a trooper, all the while asking "why?" I couldn't answer that question my head was about to explode, making a far bigger mess. My mother had an answer though.....she said they probably pissed on it because Monkey makes fun of them. Yea. That MUST have been it. The dogs who cant figure out simple commands like "sit" "stay" "NO!" are able to determine when a little boy is making fun of them. Yessiree, makes perfect sense. I mean it couldn't possibly be that her dogs are out of control and have NO FUCKING MANNERS to speak of. could it? Nooooooooooo, they had hurt feelings because my son walks around muttering how dumb they are.
So, there goes my relaxing moring before driving to the airport. I made a pot of coffee, popped 4 Advil and now I'm here, where at least its quiet. I do need that coffee though so I think I will venture upstairs. Wish me luck.
I can laugh a little, now. Then, NOT SO MUCH. I laugh because if I dont......I might lose my mind. Laughter IS the best medicine after all right?