"I have a hard time believing that God wants those girls to have babies and not me"
And there you have it. People that believe in God, believe that he controls everything that happens. They believe that he has some master plan behind all of it. Hmmmmm. This raises many a question. First let me start off by saying, I am not an atheist. I consider myself an agnostic. That being said, here are a few of my qualms with God.
Why does God deem other people to be more worthy of a child than myself and my husband? People who either didn't want kids, abuse their kids or just damn well shouldn't have kids. Why? What master plan could there possibly be? Seriously? What higher quality does a woman who never wanted children, and abuses her body have over me? How much more deserving is the man who is a low life with no job and a ton of kids already compared to my husband? How do these types of people get showered with this Gods blessings and not us??
If this God is a loving God as people say he is.....why does he let us suffer so much? Why has he let so many of my new IF friends suffer through such horrific losses? What is the plan? What do these people have to gain from all the heartache and tears? Tell me, how a woman losing her unborn child, while the unwed crack head across town gives birth to a healthy baby is for the greater good? Please someone, explain this to me because I don't fucking get it. If he is such a caring God, why does he allow us to hurt for so long? Why wont he allow us to be happy? Doesn't he see the devastation we go through every time we are not allowed to have a baby?
I am a good person. I don't steal. I don't do drugs. I very rarely drink. I am a faithful wife. I have a job. I am a good mother. I love my family. I want more children so much it hurts. Why doesn't this God think I'm good enough? What do I have to do to make myself worthy in this Gods eyes? And yet, other people...people who do steal, and do drugs, and lie, and cheat on their spouses, and have no job, and don't take care of the children they already have...they, are worthy?
Why doesn't this God help when asked? I'm not talking about "Dear god, please bring me a pony" I'm talking about "Dear god, please, please help me get past the hurt. Please help me to move away from the past, help me to be OK" Whats his excuse for not helping? Whats his excuse for letting a mother watch her baby die? When her only only request was "please God, no more suffering".
My mother once said to me that the reason I wasn't pregnant is because I don't pray. Well, if this God is all knowing and all seeing.....why do I need to pray? Why do I need to close my eyes, and say "dear god..." Why do I need to go to a designated place and listen to a guy(who creeps me out) preach to me about the bible? Why do I need to jump through hoops? Why do I need to devote my life to praising him? Sounds like an ego complex to me. Do I need to send all those chain e-mails I get about God? Should I stop swearing and start going to church? Should I take a chunk of my day and devote it just to praying, and a whole bunch of Hail Marys? Should I repent for being the terrible person he obviously thinks I am?
Well, I wont do it. Because I am a pretty damn terrific person! And if that's what this god wants....he will be sorely disappointed. Welcome to the club pal.