Monday, March 30, 2009

My big red button

I've been doing fairly well with the whole dealing with the fact that I'm not pregnant, probably wont be pregnant any time soon, hell...may never be pregnant again. I really have. I haven't been having as many of the panicky, chest tightening moments as I had been having before. Until today. I suppose it started building up yesterday and I just didn't realize it. Yesterday this teenage girl came in from the ER with a prescription for pre-natal vitamins. And it kinda stung for a minute that this GIRL, thought there was something wrong with her, so she went to the ER only to find out she was pregnant. This was obviously unplanned. It was a surprise. I will never have an unplanned pregnancy. I have been planning this for almost 2o months. Almost 2 fucking years. But I moved past that stinging in my eyes and got over it. But today for some reason it hit me harder.
This woman. Something about her being pregnant hurt me. When she dropped off her prescription for pre-natals, it actually caused me pain. She was my big red button. I don't know whether it was the fact that I had just dispensed Tylenol with codeine to her earlier this morning. Or if its the fact that she is on state insurance. Or maybe it was her disgusting rotted teeth as she handed it to me. Or maybe it was the guy in the car with her(both were smoking) that looked like he probably wouldn't think twice about knocking around a woman...or child for that matter. I don't know which one of these things hurt the most. Or maybe its just everything. She gets to have a baby. I don't. WTF!?
My eyes watered up. I felt myself getting ready to "boo boo lip" it. I did manage to pull it together, I held back the water works....but it wasn't easy. Life aint easy sometimes though right?

I told my husband today that I wished I could have more hope for this cycle. And he said that wishing for hope, was like having hope. I don't know if I agree with that.

I know 4 pregnant woman in real life. And one that just gave birth not to long ago. I see pregnant people at work ALL DAY. So many of the woman on my blog list are pregnant(I love you all and am SOOOOO happy for you guys!!) So, when do I get to be one of them? When is my big red button going to vanish?

And now for your amusement....because honestly it amused the shit outta me.....another big red button.

The Red Button
Yes, you have been warned! Do not press this red button even if you really want too. Just don't do it! But, we are for certain you will anyway.


'Murgdan' said...

I hear ya.

Oooohhh...that BUTTON! ;-)

Courtney said...

I dont know when it will be your turn- but if I had my choice for you and some others it would have been months ago!!

I will read on until I see the pic of your pee soaked stick with 2 lines!!

Lea said...

Sending hugs. I know it's hard. I hope you get your turn very soon.

Casey said...

If you happen to look out your window, and you see me dancing around, chanting, and possibly scent marking, it is my little dance of fertility for you. :) Your turn is coming soon, I already feel it. And, I am NEVER wrong, ask my husband. :)

Jane G said...

Aw honey, I know what you mean. I see pregnant smokers every day at work. It really gets to me when we have been trying so long too. I really hope your turn comes soon.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I didn't press the button. I am not tempting fate right now.

You know, it is like when you want buy a red car. You think it is the coolest most unusual car EVER and then everywhere you go you see MILLIONS of them.

You are seeking out the red car babe. I am hoping like hell that you get it soon.

April said...

OMG that button was like an addiction, I lost track of time while pressing it!!

And I think about you often and pray for your BFP!!!