Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm here to help.

This is for the guy I watched trying to catch a ride yesterday.

Listen, I'm sorry you don't have a car. Maybe yours broke down. Maybe your ex-wife took it. Whatever the reason is, I'm sure it sucks. I know I would be lost without my car, even though its a POS, its mine and it gets me to where I need to go. You don't seem to have that luxury.
I watched you sticking your thumb out at oncoming traffic, and I feel you could use a few pointers.

First, it would be most beneficial if you could try, just try to look a bit less like a serial killer/rapist. Really. People might be slightly less inclined to speed up, and lock their doors when passing you. What makes you look like a serial killer/rapist? Well, there is something about your attire that sets me at least, on edge.
The dirty jeans. Not dirty like you just worked a long hard day dirty, but dirty like you've been wearing the same jeans for a few days dirty. Like maybe you've been hiding out type dirty.
The ratty, full of holes red t-shirt with some sort of cartoonish picture on it, covered by the jean jacket that looked like it had a picture of a polar bear on the back...well, its weird. Grown men don't typically wear jean jackets with cartoon polar bears on it. Just the crazy ones. And honestly, the denim suit doesn't work well. For anyone. I'm just sayin.
Your long grey hair, cut it. You look like a kid toucher. Who is going to stop for someone that looks like a kid toucher? I submit, that no one will. Again, I'm just sayin.

Secondly, try smiling. I realize you're probably not happy that you are walking to where ever it is that you're walking. But still, a smile does wonders. Not a smirk or a sneer. I said a smile. Try something that conveys "hi there folks, I'm really a decent guy, I just don't have a car. Could you please help me out?" The look on your face didn't say that. What I perceived from your face was "Stop the car, I need a ride. And you look dumb enough to give it to me. Once I get you alone, I'm going to take you down a dirt road and shave your head. Because I'm a whack job in a denim suit. And once you're hairless I'm going to do terrible things to you with my foot." I'm sorry friend, but thats not going to get you a ride. Unless an equally as disturbed person happens upon you. In that case, I wish you both the best of luck with your head shaving and foot fucking.

And last but not least. Once again, I realize you're not happy about your current circumstances. I get it, really. But giving people the finger or yelling at them once they have driven by, well, its in bad taste. After all, you are the skeevy guy on the side of the road wearing a denim suit, begging people for a ride. What makes you think they have to stop? Like they owe you something. I can assure you they don't. You're lucky they don't throw something at you. I would, if I had driven by and you flipped me off. Lucky for you, I got to watch all of this from my porch while having a cigarette.

If I see you tomorrow, I might give this to you. Unless you're wearing the same clothes. In which case, I can only assume that you are in fact a serial rapist of some sort, and you've been hiding in the woods waiting for your next opportunity to con some motorist into giving you a ride. I'll probably throw something at you. Just so you know.

**a little side note, when googling 'hitchhiker pictures', beware of gay porn. Because apparently, all hitchhikers are either teenage sluts, or gay men.**

25 comments:

Amber said...

Hitch hikers...they always seem to be so scuzzy and criminal looking that you do lock the door and try to stare straight ahead as you drive by. The flipping people off thing...that's hilarious. What makes him think the next car in line will stop after seeing him do that to the oe that passed him by?

Gwen said...

I think similar things when I pass hitchhikers or stranded motorists. I feel guilty not helping out. I think I'm not being very Christian by just driving by. I would want someone to help me. But I just can't take the risk with a toddler in the car, you know? I'd risk my own life, but not my daughter's.

This was very funny. Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.

ghost of keywork said...

I really don't feel bad passing hitchikers. Mostly, because they don't resemble the 'teenage sluts' you mentioned above. Also, I have to figure that most of them got themselves into that situation.

Sarah said...

Amber- I know, right. I mean seriously these people need to read hitchhikers guide to thumbing or something.

Gwen- I'm with you 100% on this one. I've stopped to help people before. But I would NEVER do it with my son in the car. EVER.

Ghost- You totally would pick up a teenage slut wouldnt you?

Courtney said...

Hitchhikers scare me- well... cause they probably would kill me or rape me! What also scares me are the people that walk up to you while at the grocery store and beg for change as you load your car up with groceries- I always feel bad saying I don't have cash- but seriously I DON'T carry any cash!!

Good advice on hitchiking incase I ever need a ride- I'll smile!!

Sarah said...

Courtney- Seriously! If I stood out there smiling, someone would totally pick me up! Now if I was standing there in a denim suit looking all creepy, flipping people off...we'll some pervert would probably still pick me up, but thats not the point!

scubalaura said...

I honestly think I live in the only place left in the world where we do pick up hitch-hikers and assist broken down motorists.

Again, it's an island, so it's not like it's someone that you haven't met before...plus if your car is a POS like mine, it's just paying it forward..

Sarah said...

Laura- Listen its not like I'm some evil bitch who drives by laughing...ok, I am an evil bitch but thats neither here nor there. I just find the risks out weigh my kind side. Like I said, I have helped people on the side of the road, but its not worth putting my son in a position like that. Y'know?

Casey said...

I really never understood hitch hikers. Do you think that someone actually will stop and pick them up? Really?

Sarah said...

Casey- Yes, believe it or not...they do.

Carolyne said...

Sod standing on the porch, With a view like that I'd be locking the door sharpish and searching for the nearest pepper spray!
I mean honestly... like he's gonna get a ride with that mullet.

hereinfranklin said...

Crap--I was so wishing that the guy with the hatchet was the guy you saw.

Sarah said...

Carolyne- Ohh, pepper spray and I dont mix well. I wont own it ever again. Yes, I sprayed myself once. It fucking sucks. REALLY hard.

HIF- Omg, wouldnt that be hilarious! Alas, I wasnt quick enough to run inside and grab my cell phone.

Kahla said...

We live about 15 miles from a town with 5 prisons. I'm sure you can imagine my thoughts.

Mia Watts said...

Nah, this site looks fine.

I wonder if this guy has any idea how much his roadside appearance would consume your thoughts today.

Hitchhikers and gay porn? Gotta be a book in that somewhere.

Sarah said...

Kahla- Somewhere along the lines of "oh, hell no!"?

Mia- Well, I know that there are certainly a lot of pictures and "movies" made about it. So, why not a book? Get on that one girl!
And its odd, the things that consume my mind.

Danielle said...

AND You missed the axe!!???? What the hell?????? Hilarious~!

womb for improvement said...

This blog is just like a service to the miscreants and desparados out there isn't it? It should be prescribed to all potential hitchers.

Sarah said...

Danielle- No, goof ball...thats some picture I pulled from the web. LOL! I totally wouldnt have missed that axe.

WFI- Hey, I like to think I'm helping someone, seeing as I'm incapable of helping myself.

Rassles said...

I was thinking the same thing as Danielle, like, "Um, and maybe the largest deterrent slowing down your chances of getting picked up is the fact that you are wielding a fucking axe."

And then I realized that hey, that's the guy.

Which is kind of a shame, because despite the axe, he could have been hot.

Rassles said...

"that's NOT the guy."

I am so lame today.

Sarah said...

Rass- I think the axe adds to his allure, dont you? Honestly, I think I would have picked up the axe guy over the guy I actually saw.

Danielle said...

Hey!( I knew you pulled this off the web...just found it humorous)Where'd you go, girl? I was looking forward to more Sarah-isms...and it appears that you wrote...and then...nothing. First Jon & Kate break up....and now this!? My life has become dull and worthless.........come back!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam said...

I'm laughing so hard at this my eyes are watering! Love it!

Sarah said...

Dani- I got nothin babe. No funnies, no sarcasm. I'm such a bore lately. Blah...

Sam- Well...I'm here to help! =)