Sunday, January 16, 2011

Pain like I've never felt before.

My husband and I are getting a divorce.

My heart is broken.

I feel like I've come apart at the seems.

Monkey is devastated. And it KILLS me to see him so utterly shattered. My heart breaks a little more every time I see him hurting. As a mother, its my job to protect him. And I cant protect him from this. Its our reality. My husband and I are getting divorced.

I try to put on a smile and go about our lives. For him.

But now, when I'm all alone (Monkey is at his daddys house) I feel like I'm dying. I wander around not knowing what to do with myself. And I cry. I cry when I think about my son being sad. I cry when I think about my marriage ending. I cry when I see something that reminds of K. I cry when I look at his cat, who is so sad now that he isnt here. I cry when I think about being alone. I cry when I think about being a single mother again.

I just cry. A lot.

I'm in a bad place right now. And I need to find my way out. I need to be OK for my son. I have to pull it together.

I just dont know if I can...

13 comments:

Amy said...

Nooooooo! I am so very, very sorry, Sarah. My heart is breaking for you! I wish you were close so I could give you a hug. This just sucks! :(

Caz said...

I'm so very sorry for the heart ache you and your family are going though.

I hope you find the strength and have good support and lots of love during this time.

'Murgdan' said...

I am so so sorry. :-( Thinking of you...

myprettyones said...

Oh, Sarah. I'm so sorry. Big hugs to you and your son. Thinking of you.

womb for improvement said...

I am really sorry to hear this. Take care. Look after yourself and the monkey. xxx

Casey said...

Call me pretty girl. I love you and I am here for you. I told you, WHENEVER. I meant it. Xo

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

So sorry to hear this. You and monkey are in my thoughts during this hard time.

Amber said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry, Sarah. Hang in there, girl :(

Courtney said...

I'm SOOOOO sorry Sarah! I was hoping 2011 was going to be better for you. Awww... I'm sorry. Seems so little to say at this time....

Kahla said...

Oh no, I'm so very sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this must be on all of you. My heart is breaking for you and Monkey and your DH.

lowfatlady said...

I am so sorry.

Wanted: A Pea for My Pod said...

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. It will mean nothing now, but know that things WILL get better. You have no idea the strength and potential you have inside you til faced with something like this.

I separated and eventually divorced from my ex in 2005-2006. It was one of the scariest yet most liberating things I have ever encountered. I learned so much about myself over that year or so. I learned to stand up for me and not to settle for anything but the best and what I deserve, and moreso want. I learned some people change for the better and others for the worse and that just because I want someone to change doesn't mean they're going to do it (in the case of the ex). I also learned to ask for help. When people say that cliche line, "let me know if you need anything....." take advantage of it. Theres some comfort to be found watching TV at someone elses house or taking someone up on a supper out. Anything to get your mind off whats going on.

If the crying and emotions are too much to handle I strongly suggest counseling. Its SO nice to get everything off your chest to an unbiased person. I was anti-counseling when I first separated because I thought it meant I was crazy but now I look back and can't imagine how things would have played out if I let my emotions and thinking control the situation. She provided me with different perspectives and made me realize some things just weren't fighting over.

Whether you realize it or not, you're greiving and should. You are going through a huge life change and everything you've come to known has been flipped upside down. But know, there will come a day where you WILL feel better. I promise. And years down the road you may remarry like I did and have an awesome blended family and realize all the hell was worth it in the end. It was a learning experience.

Stay strong, girl!

April said...

I said it this morning, but I'll say it again. I'm SO sorry to hear this. I'm thinking of you and Monkey. Life can suck sometimes but there is always sun after the storm, so please keep your chin up and like another poster said, if you need to go to someone outside of it all to vent, I too think counseling is a GREAT venue. It helped ME make some very major life decisions and I will always be grateful for it. Take care of yourself!