Monday, January 17, 2011

Good days and bad days?

I've been told I am going to have good days and bad days. So far those good days havent shown up. They are all bad days. Some worse than others, but all bad.

I have a constant knot in my stomach. I feel sick. Just a constant feeling of unease. It seems I am always moments away from tears.
I take a deep breath to steady myself, and sometimes it helps a little. But usually not. Usually, I still feel like I cant breathe. Like I have this enormous weight pressing down on me. Keeping me from filling my lungs.

A friend of mine sent this to me last night:

The crushing mountain of sorrow eventually becomes a boulder on your back, then a rock in your pocket, then a pebble in your shoe, then nothing at all- not because circumstances change but because you become strong enough to handle reality with ease.


I hope this is true. But right now, this is one giant fucking mountain of sorrow. I cant breathe, I cant eat, I cant seem to feel human. My heart aches and my head is swimming.

I just want it all to go away.

6 comments:

Courtney said...

I'm so sorry Hun! I don't even know what to say! They say shit gets easier with time... I don't know about that for sure and if it is right in every circumstance. But I do know...

I heart you and am here if you need a friend! BIG HUGE HUGS! Thinking of you babe!

myprettyones said...

Hoping for those better days ahead. One day at a time. Big hugs.

Kansas said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry

911 and the Randomness.. said...

You can do it. You are always stronger than you think. It hurts. So take the time and cry your eyes out. Then take a long bath with lots of bubbles and start to remember who you are. The things you like. It starts slow, but the best things take time. The things your wise friend said are very true.

Lots of (((((hugs)))) for you!!!

911R

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* thinking of you.

Wanted: A Pea for My Pod said...

Know that although you may not see it now, it WILL get better. You have no idea the strength you have inside until something like this comes about. Its okay to cry---you're grieving. You're life as you know it is flipped upside down.

I separated and divorced in 2005 and thought the world was coming to an end. But I learned so much about myself in that time. I learned I didn't have to settle. I learned I can't change anyone no matter how hard I may want to. I learned to stop being stubborn and think I can handle everything myself and took advantage of people who offer help. Those cliche "let me know if you need anything" comments...yeah, I took advantage of them, much to some people's surprise. (No one really things they'll the offer will be taken up, do they?) A night at a friends, a movie, a homecooked meal, nonsense conversation. Those are the little things that will get you through. And when the emotions were too much I went to counseling which I fought tooth and nail. I thought it meant I was crazy. But that heavy feeling you have in your chest....it went away after every session. I got to vent and say EVERYTHING I wanted and felt, uncensored, to an unbiased person. Her suggestions and observations were accurate and got me through the week. I learned some things just weren't worth fighting for which avoided further conflict between my ex and I. And the counseling allowed me evalute myself and work on things I needed to.

It was a really hard time. But I'm so glad I went through it. Five years later, I'm remarried and happier than ever. I don't settle, I stand up for myself, and know I don't need any man to take care of me---I want him there. It will get better. I promise. Its just a hard road that you'll appreciate.