Monday, February 14, 2011

He took his ring off...

I dont know why this has hurt me as much as it has. But it felt like someone pried my heart out with a blade when he told me that. I still havent taken my rings off. I'm scared to. Despite everything that he has said and done to me, I still love him. Even though I know he'll never be OK enough to be my husband, I'm scared to file for the divorce. I love him. Even though he is talking to women at the bar, I still love him. Even though I know I will never be able to trust him, I still love him.

Why cant I just let go? Why cant I move on? Why can he???

Yesterday was my birthday and I spent 98% of it crying. The other 2% was spent pretending to be happy for other peoples benefit.

He came by and left a gift outside my door. And that made me cry even harder.

I'm sitting here crying now. While he is most likely sleeping. I cant catch my breath. My chest feels like there is a boulder sitting on it. My throat feels tight. My sinuses have slammed shut. My head is pounding. My eyes feel like they are triple the size they should be.
I have to cry quietly because I dont want my son to hear me. He is doing really well. I CANNOT undo that.

What is wrong with me?! Why cant I just let this go???

He can. But I cant seem to.

8 comments:

♥Keisha♥ said...

I'm sorry hun! Maybe this is the end of your relationship you need to take it as it is, maybe he really doesn't want to be with you anymore I know how heartbreaking that is, but if hes really done then take your ring off go out with some girls go have fun! Eventually you will find someone who deserves you! You will always love him no matter what he was a part of you and a part of your life. That love will always be there! It will be a strong battle but you will get stronger everyday! You will have many downs but you will also have your ups! Keep your head up and stay strong! everyone deserves happiness!

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Happy Birthday to you…sorry it was so crappy.

Sarah said...

I took my rings off before my ex did. I know it crushed him but at that point it wasn't about him or us anymore. It was what "I" needed to do. Seeing those rings gave me hope in a relationship that I knew was over.

Like your husband, I went to the bars (not to get a piece of you know what....) and drank my sorrows away. It was the few hours where I didn't have to be in reality. Its how I coped. I loved him. There's a part of me that still does love him and its been five years. We all cope/deal/grieve differently. Its easy for me to say, but focus on you and your son. Don't worry about what he is doing or trying to figure him out. The more you try, the more upset you'll probably become. Do what you have to do. I was taught if its uncomfortable, its probably EXACTLY what you need to do.

myprettyones said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie. You deserve so much better. My advice would be to put some distance between you. The more ties you have, the harder it is. Sending lots of hugs.

Courtney said...

HAPPY belated Birthday!

Sorry things are so shitty. I don't have any advice, but your love grew with time so it will take time. You deserve someone that treats you like you are the best thing in their life. Cause you are.

You are a strong woman and you will come out on the other side shining!

BIG HUGS! MUAH!

womb for improvement said...

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Take care.

April said...

Oh, hun, I don't think this is something you will "get over" overnight. :-( You are suffering a loss and just like ANY loss the healing takes time. I am thinking of you and sending you positive, healing energy!

Amy said...

February's over! Thinking of you - big hugs!