I dont know why this has hurt me as much as it has. But it felt like someone pried my heart out with a blade when he told me that. I still havent taken my rings off. I'm scared to. Despite everything that he has said and done to me, I still love him. Even though I know he'll never be OK enough to be my husband, I'm scared to file for the divorce. I love him. Even though he is talking to women at the bar, I still love him. Even though I know I will never be able to trust him, I still love him.
Why cant I just let go? Why cant I move on? Why can he???
Yesterday was my birthday and I spent 98% of it crying. The other 2% was spent pretending to be happy for other peoples benefit.
He came by and left a gift outside my door. And that made me cry even harder.
I'm sitting here crying now. While he is most likely sleeping. I cant catch my breath. My chest feels like there is a boulder sitting on it. My throat feels tight. My sinuses have slammed shut. My head is pounding. My eyes feel like they are triple the size they should be.
I have to cry quietly because I dont want my son to hear me. He is doing really well. I CANNOT undo that.
What is wrong with me?! Why cant I just let this go???
He can. But I cant seem to.