Monday, June 4, 2012

OK, so here it is...

...I dont know what I want to be when I grow up.

There.  I said it.  I. Have. NO. Direction.  Like fucking noooooone.

I just know that I'm meant to do something different.  What that thing is, I havent the foggiest clue. But I know I need something more in my life.  Dont get me wrong, I love being a makeup artist.  However, I know realistically its not going to go anywhere impressive.  I'm alright at what I do, but I'm not amazing.  I dont see this taking off and being some whirlwind career.

How the fuck do people just KNOW what they want to do??  I mean really?  .

Theres a lot of things in my life that I hate or would give anything to change, but I cant.  I feel like my job/career should be one of the things I CAN change.  But I'm stuck.  Like where do I start?!

Someone asked me what I'm passionate about.....

....um......I.....hmmmmmm....I dont know.  What AM I passionate about??  I'm a passionate person, I feel very deeply about a lot of things, I love passionately....but what the fuck am I passionate about?
I got nuttin.  Do I really have no passions?  Add that to the list of things that need addressing..  The list is getting quite long.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a nurse. 4 years of being a CNA changed that.  I wanted to be a vet too, but I think every kid wants to do that at some point.  I wanted to be in the Army, but then I got married and had my son.  Now they wont take me because I'm a single mother.  I wanted to be a police officer really badly, but I couldnt convince myself to leave Monkey so I could go to the academy.  Now, I'm 32 and out of shape.  And lets be honest....they probably dont want me either.  I've got a less than sparkling past.

I recently considered going to school for mortuary science.  And then realized theres a whole lotta fuckin school involved in that shit.  I hate school.  I'm not quite the scholarly type. But, lets pretend I got my head out of my ass and decided to just suck it up and go back to school...how the fuck am I supposed to do THAT and work and be mom?  How is that even possible?  I know it must be, I just cant figure out the logistics...

I gotta do SOMETHING.  I cant stay where I am and how I am for much longer.

Its gotten old.

Quite.


5 comments:

Missy F said...

In CT there are a lot of grants/scholarships ect..available specifically for single moms. A girl I went to xray school with basically paid nada b/c she qualified for all kinds of crazy $$ that a single/no kids person wouldn't...If you can narrow down a few things you might be interested in studying I would start by speaking with their financial aid dept and go from there ; ) Lots of luck, I too have no idea what I want to be when I grow up b/c I left xray when I finally got pregnant and have now been out of it long enough that the technology has completely changed & I would have to be re-trained (f-ing sweet!)

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Nerdy Kitsune said...

I know exactly how you feel. whenever you find out how to figure this stuff out, let me know please