Thats right, I'm talking to you Flo! You're one mean little trickster. Don't try to fool me into thinking you wont be visiting this month. I know you'll be here. Just like every other month over the last year. I'm not going to fall into your little trap of thinking that all these things I'm feeling might be because maybe, juuuuust maybe I'm pregnant. I'm not stupid. I know its just you playing your games. Why do you feel the need to do that?! You bitch. As if you showing up, unwelcome every month isn't enough? Now you mock me. Thats cruel Flo. So very cruel. So, I'm not going to play into it this month. You cant fool me Flo, you jerk. Not this time. I've got your number!!But Flo, I was wondering.....wouldn't you like to take a vacation? Say for 9 months or so? Doesn't it sound lovely? No need to be anywhere. All the free time in the world. No one whining and complaining about you being around. I'm sure that gets old after a while. I promise Flo, if you just go away, and don't come back for at least 9 months I promise I'll be nicer to you. Really, I swear!! No more cursing you every time you show up. No more swearing at you. No more calling you mean names. I know that wasn't very nice of me. It'll be different Flo. You and me. We'll be closer. Best of friends even. But I just need you to take a break from all of this. You must be tired anyway, no? I know I would be after a year of being a nasty, unwelcome visitor EVERY single fucking month!! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
But seriously Flo......we don't want you round these parts. Don't you understand? You're not wanted. I know, thats harsh. And I'm sorry. You've done me well over the past 17 years. You've always been there for me. Always. You've let me use you as an excuse to get out of exercising, you made sure that you always stopped by when I was younger to make sure there were no unwanted pregnancies, you made sure everything was good. I appreciate that Flo, I do. And I will give you this; you are EXCEPTIONALLY punctual. Kudos on that.
But, its time to relax now Flo. I'm giving you an all inclusive vacation. Its on me, what ever you want...you got it baby!! Money is not an object. (well it is....but not for YOU)
I need you to understand Flo, its not that I don't appreciate you. I do. You've just worn out your welcome a bit thats all. We want a baby so very badly. The thing is, we cant have one if you keep coming around. I'm sorry, thats JUST HOW IT IS Flo.
Don't be angry. I'm not saying you cant come back at all, just not for a while. Remember that nice long vacation you had while I was pregnant with Monkey? Wasn't that great?! And then you even got a bonus while I nursed. C'mon, that was awesome! You know it was. Lets do that again. It was so long ago. Close to 8 years! Its time. Please Flo, I'm begging......TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. Please, please, please. I wont be your friend anymore, if you show up in 7 days. I mean it Flo! It'll be over between us. OVER I TELL YOU!!
So, whaddya say Flo? How bout it? Doesn't it look nice? Kick your feet up and relax. Take a load off. I'll send word when its OK to come back, I promise. Please Flo, take the damn vacation.
Love,Me
4 comments:
Dear Aunt Flo is due for me too, I know, at this point, that she's coming, but I like your letter nonetheless. Hilarious.
Sucks about the Dr. not calling back, I have learned, this summer, that Dr's are a bit slack about summer deadlines.
I just wanted to pop in and say hello! and congratulations on an awesome job trawling through my old posts and even commenting on them.
That is very flattering.
Here's to hoping that Flo bitch stays away.
The very very best of luck.
You've explained yourself oh so very clearly, how can she not understand and listen? :) I hope she gets the message and goes away!!
Oh wow! Great letter. Funny, and sad at the same time.
I pray that damn woman takes the vacation already!
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