Monday, July 28, 2008

Hello, My Name is Bitch

I made it through the weekend. Unscathed for the most part. The mass, due to the heat was shortened a bit, which was nice. And the priest, or whatever the hell he is called didn't make us kneel and told us we could sit for some of the parts where we were supposed to stand. Yay! Because I was quite literally stuck to the pew. Waaarm! Apparently churches don't believe in A/C? Maybe thats their way of saying...."hot isn't it? Better do as we say or you could be even hotter for allllll eternity!" Hee hee hee, sure sure.
Anyway, we made it through the wedding, a little sweaty but otherwise everything went fine. It was during the reception that my husband said something that kinda felt like he punched me in the gut. And the reason I'm sharing this is because HE seems to think I am over reacting, I however DO NOT. We shall see. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back K and a friend of ours were talking about the television show John & Kate plus 8. Cute show, I watch it. With little pangs here and there. But I do OK. So they are discussing how many children J&K have....and K goes off on this rant about how many children he DOESN'T want.....ouch! We cant even conceive ONE, and hes ranting about how many he doesn't even want to have?! WTF! To me that felt like a really insensitive thing to say. The people we were with don't know about our problems TTC, so I didn't say anything. I just shut my mouth, and kept it to myself until he said something to me about me being so quiet. Thats when I told him how bothered by his statement I was. Yea, cause that did a WHOLE lot.
See, I don't know about all other woman who are TTC, and are part of a couple that is having DIFFICULTY TTC...but I think about it all the time. Every time I see a baby. Every time I see a pregnant woman. Every time I hear about ANOTHER couple thats pregnant. But apparently I'M the only one who does that. Because when I told him I was bothered, his response was "see, there you go, taking it THERE! I wasn't even thinking about that!" * slap * What he might as well have said was " jeeeeeez! Don't you ever stop?!" My only response to him was "of course you weren't, you never are." and we didn't speak for about 20 minutes after that. So, am I in fact over reacting, like Dear husband seems to think I am? Or was my indignation warranted?

Speaking of insensitive, that brings me to what happened before we even left for the wedding. Maybe I really am just a bitch, I know I have a short fuse. I do try to tone it down a bit but sometimes....I just cant help myself. Here's the scenario. Tell me what YOU think. The following is an e-mail that went back and forth between DH and I. Names and addresses have been changed.

Wife(thats me!): Reproductive Endocrinologist, recommended by a close friend.
Her name is;

Dr. Imma help you have a baby
100 Baby lane, suit 1
New Britain, CT.


When you have a minute, you should call our insurance and see if she is in network

Husband: No matches on, I'm on hold with them right now to see if I was searching incorrectly....let you know shortly!

Wife: ok sweetie, thank you.

Husband: She's not contracted...and ours as an HMO plan, that means no coverage whatsoever. Shit.

* OK, THIS is where is starts to get ugly....this is where panic, and nausea sets in. This is where I, after reading the phrase "NO COVERAGE WHAT SO EVER" start envisioning thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars we don't have. Wouldn't you? What would YOU have gathered from that statement? *

Wife: WHAT?!

Husband: .......(he didn't answer!)

Wife: No coverage whatsoever, meaning WHAT K?

Husband: .................(still waiting for an answer)

* at this point, I am soooo upset. All I can think is how badly we want a baby( or at least I do......) and how we just do NOT have thousands of dollars we can invest into IVF or anything like that. I am feeling so terribly sad. And then the phone rings. Its him. And he sounds TOTALLY fine with everything. Well apparently in my tizzy that I was in, I guess to him I sounded like I was being a bitch, because he gave me the condescending stupid ass "whoa whoa whoa hang on here" bullshit that invokes almost instant rage. So I hung up. The e-mails continued, because at least through emails he couldn't hear me grinding my teeth, and cursing him. *

She's not contracted...and ours as an HMO plan, that means no coverage whatsoever. Shit.

What that says to me K, is WE CANT HAVE KIDS ON OUR OWN, AND THEY AREN'T GOING TO HELP. no coverage what so ever..........means NO fucking coverage WHAT SO EVER. Not just with her. And then because I get a little get that fucking tone with me! Screw you! I'm upset! I want a fucking baby. pardon me for being the only one with emotions

Husband: I'm sorry, I just was that as "this RE isn't covered, so we find another". I'm not going to let ONE uncovered doctor throw this whole thing on its ass. I'm sorry I didn't phrase it as "her practice isn't covered, so if we saw her, we'd have to pay out of pocket". But that's what I meant. I'm upset too, at how many hoops we have to jump through for this, but flipping out on me isn't going to accomplish anything. It wasn't a "fucking tone", it was just telling you what I found out.

Christ, Sarah, you keep treating me like the enemy or something, what the hell?

Wife: I know, POOR you.

* OK, so maybe I am a mega bitch. Fast forward..... *

Wife: Well, it would be nice to feel like we're on the same team y'know?
Can you not see how seeing the phrase "no coverage what so ever" was like being kicked in the gut? All I saw when I read that...was us trying to figure out how to come up with THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars to have a baby. And we both know that ain't gonna happen. So no baby. Cant you see how upsetting that is???

Husband: I completely do..that was careless of me to phrase it that way. It just means we can't follow L's lead on the right doctor to see next. I'm not certain, though, do most endocrinologists deal with reproductive services? Because the list I printed showed 19 endocrinologists within a 30-mile radius of us (that was the limit on the form I filled out), but there was no option under "special practice" for specifically reproductive endocrinologists...

Am I just crazy? Are other woman like this? Did I totally blow things out of proportion? Ugh.

****Turns out DH was wrong...Dr.I'mma help you have a baby IS in fact in network!! WOO!!****


PJ said...

Are you kidding? I LOVE when someone adds my blog to their blogroll! Thanks!

Ya know, when we first found out that my husband had low morphology, we were told to wait another month and try again. So frustrating... And this was after my husband had totally procrastinated giving the first sample! LOL! I think now he still really hates to do that, but has gotten used to it. And compared to what I have to do, well... not much sympathy! :P

Good luck with your journey!

fertfighter said...

ummm NO! Embrace your bitchiness and use it. I feel like however it is that you are feeling at the moment is how you should respond, especially with your husband. I get weepy like every time I see a baby, hear a baby, smell a baby, see a belly and/or hear that my other friend/cousin/brother is preggers. About 5% of the time that the weepiness comes along DH says I'm taking it "there" too. I retort by saying he is a man...a somewhat emotionless man ;)
Im adding you to my blogroll cause you are a bitch and cause you are from CONNECTICUT!! Yeahhh!!! I live in FL now but I will always be a 203 girl at heart!