Thursday, August 14, 2008
Hey! Big girls need lovin too!
"you know your doctor is going to tell you that you HAVE to lose weight before you can get pregnant right?"
*Those were the words of encouragement I got today from my mother. After I told her I have my new gyno appointment tomorrow.*
Mother: "you need to lose AT LEAST 20 pounds!"
*Here, let me come closer so you can make sure the knife pierces the heart deep enough.*
Me: "yea mom, I know. Thanks"
Mother: "you know what worked really well for so-and-so?"
Me: "no mom. what worked for so-and-so?"
Mother: "well he was really fat. Like you and I....."
*choked on my coffee*
Mother: "well maybe he was bigger....but anyways, herbal life worked for him. He lost 20 pounds without even trying!"
Me: "thats great mom. I'll look into it."
*When I'm done looking into therapy.*
Mother: "you really should. its going to be hard for you"
Me: "yea, I'll check it out tonight. I need to be careful about what I put into my body though"
Mother: "well, its natural....so you can take it and be fine! You really should look it up when you get home"
*OK OK! I get it. I'm fat. I'll look into it. Christ!!*
Mother: "but you're still beautiful Sarah!"
Me: "oh yea! Fat girls need loving too."
Mother: "oh, stop you aren't fat!"
*bangs head on metal table*
And this is where I started a new subject. It could have gone on like this FOREVER. But I wouldn't be writing this if it had. I'd be sitting in a jail cell for stuffing a catalog up my mothers nose.
Lets get something straight. Yea, I'm a bit chunky. I've gained some fucking weight. But the last thing I need is my mother telling me that my doctor is going to demand I lose at LEAST 20lbs. Seriously. Not helping.
I may be a bit thick. Perhaps Curvy. I've been told I have a badonkadonk. But I'm still fucking hot! OK, maybe not hot. But I'm pretty damn cute.
So, what? Because I may be a touch over weight(OK OK, a little more than a touch) I'm not allowed to get pregnant?
I'm not exactly thrilled about going to see a new gyno in the first fucking place. And now, I have to have in the back of my mind that while this chic is poking my lady business she's going to be thinking about how fat I am. And my luck, she'll be either uber thin....or fucking pregnant.
I don't want to have to gauge her eyes out for calling me fat. Really I don't. But a girl can only handle so many insults in a 48 hour time span before she snaps. I don't think any woman judge in the world would convict me.
"Well you see your honor, as I was wiping the KY jelly off of my freshly violated crotch, Dr.Z said to me 'by the way fatty....you cant get pregnant because you're a heffer. Your mother was right!' I don't remember what exactly happened after that, but when I came to I had a clump of hair in my fist and a piece of her shirt stuck between my teeth"
OK, now if you'll excuse me...I need to go shave a slimming pattern onto my hoo-hoo.