I dont fucking wanna!

I guess apparently I need to start charting my BBT. To that I say BOOOOO! Because thats JUST what I need, another fucking thing to obsess about.
I hate this.
I don't want to chart my goddamn BBTs! I just want to screw my husband and get fucking pregnant, Like all those unwed, drug using, lazy, no job having, welfare abusing, piece of trash women out there do. I don't want to pee in a tiny little cup all the time to see if I am having an LH surge. I don't want to feel total fucking devastation every time I get my period. I don't want to have some radiologist squirt dye into my uterus. I don't want to be taking these stupid fucking vitamins. I don't want to have to explain every time someone asks "when are you two gonna have kids?". I don't want to lie to my son, when he asks if he can have a little brother or sister. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be pregnant. Grrrrrr!

Phew! OK, that being said....now I will tell you WHY I don't want to chart my stupid BBT.
1.) Like I said, its just one more thing for me to obsess over. Because thats what I do now-a-day, I obsess over every-fucking-thing.
2.) I don't wake up at the same time everyday. And just the thought of setting an alarm to wake up early on days I don't have to, JUST to take my temp.... makes me want to kick a kitten!(no, not really...settle down)
3.) Have you seen those stupid charts?! If they were any friggin smaller, I'd need a microscope to see them!! I cant write that small!! Like elf size. Who fucking does that!? I need it to be big enough so that as I stumble out of bed after setting my alarm to take MY FUCKING TEMPERATURE, I can see this stupid chart. I don't want to have to squint, and concentrate trying to fit all the info in those itty bitty little spots. Fuck that. FUCK IT!
I'm gonna make my own chart...with construction paper, with spots big enough that I can write with crayon and still be able to read it. Dumb ass, fucking charts.

And now, its CD15......and still NO LH surge. Could I have missed it? Are they that short, that I could have missed the window? Jesus. Should I keep checking? I mean I KNOW I have ovulated in the past....I have gotten positive readings on OPKs, EWCM, the whole 9......I don't know whats up with this month. And so being the type of person I am....now I'm worried, what if I don't ovulate every month? More and more what if's. Shit.

And last but not least. The more I am reading about this HSG test......the more terrified I am getting.
Cant I just go into a room and masturbate like the guys do? Please?