Monday, September 15, 2008

Emotional ladder needed.

To get me out of this.
I've never been the type of person to wallow in my pit of despair, and yet I cant seem to get out of it now. I'm stuck. And I'm terribly depressed.
I hate feeling this way. I feel powerless. I have no control over my emotions, I have no control over my body, I feel like I have no control over my life.

D came to see me at work today, and do you know what I did? I cried. Cried! Just the sight of her sent me into big wet crocodile tear mode! How ridiculous is that shit?! But I did. I'm sure I'm done now.
Until the next time.
Fortunately for me, she is being really awesome about this. She isn't taking offense to my irrational behavior. She knows I'm happy for her despite the tears and boo-boo lip. I'm really quite pitiful as of right now.

My body is revolting against me. It is doing nothing right. It hates me. And you know what? Right now I hate the stuck up bitch right back! Good for nothing, lazy, fat-ass, cant get itself knocked up, unappreciative stupid body!
Today is CD12....thus far, no LH surge. All I want right this very moment is to see that fucking smiley face, just so I can know that AT LEAST one goddamn thing in my useless body is doing as its supposed to!! Just one!! I don't think thats asking to much. As I have said before, I have never ever had irregular periods or ovulated at odd times. Everything up until last month has been perfect! Fucking perfect! And now....not so fucking much.

Maybe I am more stressed than I realized. Could I have possibly STOPPED ovulating due to stress?? Christ on toast! This is just NOT what I need.

I'm tired.
My head hurts.
I'm sad. Very, very sad.
Ohhhhh woe is me. <------do you see this?! This is not me!! I am a bitch! I am a hotheaded little Irish girl. I do not feel these emotions. I don't cry. Dammit!!

Shit, apparently I do.

6 comments:

PJ said...

CD 12 is still early. You probably know this, but you take the number of days you normally cycle, count forward to that day, and then count back 17 days. Something like that. I think it says it on the little Clearblue easy kit.

But yes! I completely know where you are, as I was just there! Come on 'effing smiley face!

L.C. Carmichael said...

Im sorry hunny. I know the whole thing sucks. I still have faith though especially if I can get pregnant. You totally will. I am soooo still cheering for you. Pom pom's and all!!! I love you!

JJ said...

Cheering on the smiley face! Youve definitely got a few more days for the smile to show--Ill coax it out for you! HOPING for you!

April said...

Hey nothing wrong with a little crying. Seriously. DON'T be so hard on yourself. Cry, scream, punch a pillow. Whatever it takes.

My period and cycle used to be as regular as pie; now that I'm TTC? Not so much. I never know when my period is coming. And I bought some OTK over the internet and pee on those damn sticks religiously and it NEVER shows that I'm ovulating. Now I KNOW I am but I'm just so freakin' irritated that these damn pee sticks won't cooperate and show me when. ARGH.

Anyway, just know we understand. I'm crossing my fingers for you!!!

Sarah said...

Thanks ladies!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

**cough**

Ladies?

Anyway, don't worry, it's normal to get totally berserk for a while.

I wonder if you used the OPK tests with the two lines would it help you more.

You get to see the line increase in darkness over a day or so, up until the real positive and then fade.

At least that way it gives you an idea of when you can expect the positive, and keeps you busy for a few days!