Well, I can officially say I am as far down as I think is possible at this stage in the game. Today, IF finally made me cry. I have been pissed, fucking rippin actually. I have been down. I have had a few pity parties. I have done the woe is me thing, but I haven't cried. I LOATH crying. I feel weak. I know, I know...crying doesn't make me weak. *sigh* I got some news today. And I think it was the straw that broke the infertile camels back. It felt more like a tree limb than a straw.
A good friend of mine called me today. She's pregnant. I love her to death, D has been a dear, dear friend for years and has stood by me through every shitty thing that has ever happened to me. I am happy for her. I really am. But sonofabitch, this hurts! D has said that she didn't want kids. She loves 'em, but just not for her. She wasn't trying. It just happened. Oops. It. Just. Happened. That easy. Poof. She's pregnant. And her man is being a wanker! She was so afraid to tell me. She knows what we're going through. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders when its come to the TTC department.
I hate that my friend was afraid to tell me she is pregnant.
I hate it.
I hate that I'm not pregnant.
I hate that I lied to my friend, so I could get off the phone with her. I didn't want to cry with her on the phone. I didn't want her to know how much I was hurting. I wanted her to know I am happy for her, and here for her. And I love her.
I managed to get off the phone before I totally lost it. Big racking sobs. With my face buried in my bed. I didn't want the monkey to hear me. He knows nothing about whats going on. And D doesn't want anyone to know about the pregnancy yet. And so, I cried. I cried until my eyes were swollen. And my nose was running. And when I was done, I called K into the bedroom and told him. And then I cried some more. I'm fighting the tears. I wont cry anymore.
I hate this whole fucking shit show called infertility.