Sunday, September 14, 2008

Rock bottom

Well, I can officially say I am as far down as I think is possible at this stage in the game. Today, IF finally made me cry. I have been pissed, fucking rippin actually. I have been down. I have had a few pity parties. I have done the woe is me thing, but I haven't cried. I LOATH crying. I feel weak. I know, I know...crying doesn't make me weak. *sigh* I got some news today. And I think it was the straw that broke the infertile camels back. It felt more like a tree limb than a straw.

A good friend of mine called me today. She's pregnant. I love her to death, D has been a dear, dear friend for years and has stood by me through every shitty thing that has ever happened to me. I am happy for her. I really am. But sonofabitch, this hurts! D has said that she didn't want kids. She loves 'em, but just not for her. She wasn't trying. It just happened. Oops. It. Just. Happened. That easy. Poof. She's pregnant. And her man is being a wanker! She was so afraid to tell me. She knows what we're going through. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders when its come to the TTC department.
I hate that my friend was afraid to tell me she is pregnant.
I hate it.
I hate that I'm not pregnant.
I hate that I lied to my friend, so I could get off the phone with her. I didn't want to cry with her on the phone. I didn't want her to know how much I was hurting. I wanted her to know I am happy for her, and here for her. And I love her.

I managed to get off the phone before I totally lost it. Big racking sobs. With my face buried in my bed. I didn't want the monkey to hear me. He knows nothing about whats going on. And D doesn't want anyone to know about the pregnancy yet. And so, I cried. I cried until my eyes were swollen. And my nose was running. And when I was done, I called K into the bedroom and told him. And then I cried some more. I'm fighting the tears. I wont cry anymore.

I hate this whole fucking shit show called infertility.


Anonymous said...

Yep. I will add to it. I hate worrying when my friends call me beause I'm scared they will tell me that they are pregnant. I'm scared to talk to friends who I know are TTC, because I might find out they're pregnant.

womb for improvement said...

Its hideous isn't it? I'm so sorry. And when its a mistake its even worse. Keep breathing, it gets easier. (The coping not the breathing that's something you've had cracked for 28 years!)

Sarah said...

I'm Okay now. A good cry made me feel a bit better. I really am happy for her. She will(whether she wants to admit it or not) be a fantastic mother.
Yes, it still hurts. But I'll survive.

PJ said...

I didn't cry until my first IVF was cancelled, and then I bawled. I hate crying too. I hate being emotional at all. I think I was a man in a past life.

About your other post, I have a big, huge, GINORMOUS mouth and have told many, many people about our infertility trials. Sometimes I think I say too much. But yea, my husband hardly has told anyone.

BoufMom9 said...

OH! I am so sorry. It is just awful to want something sooooo badly and have friends who don't want it who get it without trying. UGH!
I would be crying too!!!!

Sarah said...

Oh PJ, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has a big ole yap. I feel like why should I pretend nothing is wrong? Why act like this is something to be ashamed of? I'm not ashamed of me or my hubby. Or his gammy sperm.

Megs said...

I also hate hearing the news. It breaks my heart every time I hear that another so and so is pregnant. Even if they are not close to me. What really sucks, is hearing about a client or co-worker's client who is pregnant...and living on the streets. No way to even remotely care for a baby. That's what really gets me.

Hang in there. Ive done a lot of crying. Im an extremely sensitive person even when not all injected with a shitload of hormones (which of course, makes it worse), so I cry a LOT! I do always thinks that it makes me feel a little better on the down the line. Keep fighting!! **Hugs**

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Those first few minutes after you hear that news is terrible.

Punch in the guts.

The cry will do you good.

Elfie33 said...

*hugs tight* I'm so sorry your hurting like that. I think a good cry helps. Wish I lived closer I'd bring over Steal Magnolia's and a box of tissue, and cry together. *huggers*