If you've EVER thought for just a second about inhaling green Listerine. Which will from this point be referred to as Green Death.
I did it, and it was not good. As a matter of fact, it was probably the most pain I have ever inflicted on myself. EVER. And I do mean E-V-E-R.
And I did it on my lunch break. Here, I'll paint you a mental picture.
But first I'll tell you WHY I was using Green Death on my lunch break. Because I'm sure you think its because I have exceptional oral hygiene, and was just doing my mid day thing. You're only part right. But it was mostly because I had eaten some chili Fritos at work, and my mouth tasted like spicy Mexican poop. Like a mix of corn, peppers, chili powder and poop. Gross. I was at my mothers for my lunch break because being the kind soul that I am, I go to let their dogs out everyday rather than going to get myself some lunch. Don't feel bad for me, I could stand to miss a meal or two. I'm a bit hefty....OK, OK....I'm a chunky butt. Don't judge.
I was at my mothers, therefore I was obviously without my own toothbrush. I usually keep one in my car, but had recently traded it out and forgot to replace it. Hence the reason for the Green Death. I use the shit every freaking day, so this should not have been the train wreck that it was. I am SO glad I was alone. Awful.
So, I take my swig of Green Death and something went terribly awry. I somehow, and please don't ask me HOW because I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. (I have analyzed the incident as much as I can stand and STILL cannot figure out how it went down. But it did.) I inhaled approx. 1/2 a mouthful of this minty green death. NO, I did not swallow it. I freaking inhaled that shit. Right into my unsuspecting tar laden lungs. Fuck me sideways. I cant even tell you in a coherent sentence the kind of pain green death causes when sucked directly into your lungs. Do you know whats in that stuff?! I'll tell you! BAD BAD burning painful things like Menthol, which is great to inhale in a cigarette not so much liquid form, Eucalyptol, Methyl salicylate, Thymol and a bunch of other shit. None of which ever, ever, ever needs to be inhaled!
So there I am, alone thankfully because what went down in the minutes after the the fluid hit my lungs was probably the most UN attractive I have been since I was on the operating table after my c-section with my placenta being shoved into a Chinese food container.(Theres some food for thought!!) I was a hot mess! My first reaction was to cough, but I couldn't because I had no air in my lungs, just green death. But I couldn't breath in either. I was drooling, my nose was running, my eyes were running, I was wretching, and making all sorts of horrible noises. And I was in full panic mode. So in absolute girly fashion my hands were waving wildly.
I'm sure you've all inhaled some sort of liquid at one time or another, and its sucks. Now pretend its menthol, gasoline. So much worse. This all lasted 45 seconds, until I could finally get a breath enough to cough, and fuckin A, did I cough. I coughed and couldn't stop coughing. I coughed until I squeaked. And I still couldn't get a real breath in. I managed to get myself together enough to wipe the snot and tears from my face so I could go back to work. But I coughed for about an hour afterwards, and every time I did I tasted Green Death. I think I may be traumatized. Every time I go into the bathroom now, I have flash backs.
I'm afraid of my mouthwash. And I'm fairly certain I have a defective epiglottis. But my lungs are minty fresh!