Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'm so NOT okay.

fail owned pwned pictures
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Wouldn't it be nice if it was THAT easy?

Let me tell you whats up. Here, I'll make a list.

Meds: Check! Over $2,400.00 worth of meds.

Sharps container: Check!

Blood work: DONE!

Cootchie probing: Check! 9 follicles! Wha?! Huh??? What the shit?!

Yes, dear friends. This cycle has been canceled because I have approx. 9 follicles that decided to hang around after everyone else left. 9 Fucking follicles!! One of them is fucking 30mm. They want me to come back on Thursday to see if they are shrinking on their own, and if they don't make my doctor happy....I'll be on birth control. Fucking birth control. I'm trying to have a baby. I DON'T WANT BIRTH CONTROL. I want to be pregnant. Birth control does NOT=pregnant!
I hate this.
I was so normal before infertility came along. I had normal cycles. I ovulated perfectly every month. I always got my period on time, right on schedule within a day or so. I never had ANY issues with any of this shit! Until now. Ever since the HSG, things have been all fucked up. Nothing is the way it should be! I used to be normal.

Until I wasn't.

Someone said something to me today that really hurt. I don't think she meant it to, but it did none the less. I got this text after explaining things to her.
"have you given the thought that this might just not happen. I don't wanna be a downer I'm just being a realist that maybe hes just not meant to have kids"
Yes, I acknowledge the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet is because of some slightly squirrelly sperm. But his semen analysis was NOT that bad. Just slighly hinky. Just enough to cause problems. But they washed them down and pulled out the ree-ree's.....there is NO reason we shouldnt get pregnant! NONE.
My husband is just as meant to have kids as any other guy out there! I am just as meant to have more children as any other woman out there. Including herself. WE are meant to have children TOGETHER just as fucking much as all those losers out there who have more children then they cant take care of or even want, probably MORE SO!! I was really angry when I got that. I'm not anymore. Much anyway. I'm really sad.

Sad that the IUI didn't work.
Sad that I cant do another IUI right away.
Sad that people who shouldn't be having kids, are when I'm not.
Sad that my husband feels like a failure.
Sad that I feel like a failure.
Sad that some of the people I thought would understand things, and be there for me...haven't been, if anything they have made my life harder.
Sad that nothing is working right.
Sad that I am no longer.....normal.

I'm just sad.

Its been a very long day. I've been fighting tears for most of it.
I'm home alone now, I don't have to fight them anymore.

14 comments:

Stace said...

I totally feel for you. That comment struck a nerve. When we told my husbands cousin and her hubby-- two people we are very close to, two people who got pregnant very easily with their girls-- the hubby's response? "Some people just aren't meant to have kids." *jaw drop* Who would say that to someone???

So, I'm really, really sorry this hasn't worked for you. Even sorrier that you keep having to take these stupid month breaks because of stupid things. I know there isn't really anything I can say to take the hurt away... but I really hope it works for you soon. All I can say is that there are good days and there are (a lot) of bad days each cycle. I hope you have a few good days. :)

Megan said...

I'm so sorry you are cancelled. People say such insensitive things. I told someone once that my husband had sperm problems, but they didn't find anything wrong with me. She responded, "Well, at least it's not you." HUH??? I mean I can't make a baby by myself. What's the difference who's problem it is??? I hope your follicles clear up soon so that you can get back in the saddle so to speak.

Courtney said...

Sarah- I had a HUGE cyst after some treatments!! Fucking sucks!!

I am sorry! It just isnt fair- and I dont know why people say shit like that- but fuck her too!

Jenn said...

I'm sorry that really sucks. Some people can be so insensitive. It kills me that there are so many people out there who are getting knocked up and having kids like its nobody's business and some of them shouldn't even be having kids and then there are people like us who truly truly want them.

'Murgdan' said...

Sorry...but fuck your friend for saying that.

Fuck your cyst-y ovaries.

Fuck infertility.

go have a good cry...

and then remember...stupid people somehow DO manage to get pregnant on birth control...so WTF is up with that shit???

(hugs)

Jenn said...

So I'm having a really dense day... I have a dumb question - how do you have 9 mature follicles if you just finished a cycle? Did they discover this on a baseline ultrasound before you were to start again? Just confused... sorry...

G said...

That sucks the big one. People really don't think about what they say, just open their mouths and shit falls out. I just found out one of my BF's thinks I'm being too positive about infertility treatment. What the shit??

Sorry you're feeling crappy, mate. Let it all out I say.

womb for improvement said...

"not meant"?! What a thing to say. That assumes some kind of preordained classification which being the godless heathen I am I absolutely do not get. Its medical not spiritual.

I'm sorry you are so fucked off at the moment.

Jane G said...

Some people just don't engage brain before opening mouth. Try and put that stupid comment out of your mind. I'm really sorry to hear that this cycle has been cancelled.(((hugs)))

PJ said...

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! It just completely sucks to be cancelled!

Screw the "meant to's"!!! That stuff makes me completely insane! Yea, well, then the crack whores and other just simply horrible people that conceive every day are meant to, but people who have made huge sacrifices and want nothing more than to parent, are not? Give me a break!

Yep. I got anger. Aplenty. I'll throw some at the people who are annoying you, if you want?

Hugs

Lea said...

I'm so sorry, Sarah. This just sucks. I hope that you don't have to do the BCP and can move forward very soon. Wish I could give you an IRL hug.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Fuck it all.

April said...

That is the MOST ridiculous fucking comment I've ever heard in my life. What is WRONG with people!!

AmyC623 said...

I swear I was exactly the same way! My shit didn't start until right before Forest got his vasectomy reversed. I feel like at any time before that I could have had sex on CD14 and been sure to see 2 lines two weeks later (just like when I was 17...). But as soon as his swimmers could get outside their warm testicle home I'm suddenly a hot mess of ridiculous hormone hijinx. So, I feel for you, I am sad too, and I hate all of this. Sigh.