Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I'm so NOT okay.
see more pwn and owned pictures
Wouldn't it be nice if it was THAT easy?
Let me tell you whats up. Here, I'll make a list.
Meds: Check! Over $2,400.00 worth of meds.
Sharps container: Check!
Blood work: DONE!
Cootchie probing: Check! 9 follicles! Wha?! Huh??? What the shit?!
Yes, dear friends. This cycle has been canceled because I have approx. 9 follicles that decided to hang around after everyone else left. 9 Fucking follicles!! One of them is fucking 30mm. They want me to come back on Thursday to see if they are shrinking on their own, and if they don't make my doctor happy....I'll be on birth control. Fucking birth control. I'm trying to have a baby. I DON'T WANT BIRTH CONTROL. I want to be pregnant. Birth control does NOT=pregnant!
I hate this.
I was so normal before infertility came along. I had normal cycles. I ovulated perfectly every month. I always got my period on time, right on schedule within a day or so. I never had ANY issues with any of this shit! Until now. Ever since the HSG, things have been all fucked up. Nothing is the way it should be! I used to be normal.
Until I wasn't.
Someone said something to me today that really hurt. I don't think she meant it to, but it did none the less. I got this text after explaining things to her.
"have you given the thought that this might just not happen. I don't wanna be a downer I'm just being a realist that maybe hes just not meant to have kids"
Yes, I acknowledge the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet is because of some slightly squirrelly sperm. But his semen analysis was NOT that bad. Just slighly hinky. Just enough to cause problems. But they washed them down and pulled out the ree-ree's.....there is NO reason we shouldnt get pregnant! NONE.
My husband is just as meant to have kids as any other guy out there! I am just as meant to have more children as any other woman out there. Including herself. WE are meant to have children TOGETHER just as fucking much as all those losers out there who have more children then they cant take care of or even want, probably MORE SO!! I was really angry when I got that. I'm not anymore. Much anyway. I'm really sad.
Sad that the IUI didn't work.
Sad that I cant do another IUI right away.
Sad that people who shouldn't be having kids, are when I'm not.
Sad that my husband feels like a failure.
Sad that I feel like a failure.
Sad that some of the people I thought would understand things, and be there for me...haven't been, if anything they have made my life harder.
Sad that nothing is working right.
Sad that I am no longer.....normal.
I'm just sad.
Its been a very long day. I've been fighting tears for most of it.
I'm home alone now, I don't have to fight them anymore.