Monday, February 2, 2009

Really? Really....

If someone had told me 18 months ago that I would be on birth control to try....I stress the word TRY to have a baby, I would have laughed till my coffee came out of my nose. And yet here I am. Taking birth control. So I can TRY to get pregnant. Its so fucking weird. I mean I get it...I know why I am taking it. Its just a mind fuck.
And I gotta say right now, my entire life is a mind fuck. I'm starting to question myself left and right....am I out of my fucking mind trying to get pregnant??? Don't misunderstand, I want a baby so very badly. And I love my son more than I can articulate. But...well....things are tough right now. Things are very tough.
My emotions have been riding high, and so I'm trying desperately to take a step back and look at things with an intelligent mind and not an emotional heart. Its a bit difficult I must say.

Am I losing it? Has anyone else in their journey TTC hit that point where you just suddenly have to stop and ask yourself...."am I out of my mind?"

9 comments:

PJ said...

I passed that point ages ago! I feel quite trapped, because if I give up I feel like it will have all been in vain. And I do really want a baby, or at least the satisfaction of knowing that I did everything I could. But keeping this up is hard and is wearing on me, mentally and physically.

That stupid birth control suppressed me too much, and thankfully I don't have to use it anymore as part of my protocol. I hated it! But it does have the one advantage of letting you have way more control over the timing of your treatment.

Megan said...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even really sure what the goal is anymore. Sometimes it seems like having a baby is such a mythical thing I can't imagine it ever happening to me. It seems like infertility is my job.

Brittany said...

I think I am always guilty of making decisions with my heart, when I should totally be making them with a level head instead. I know it's wrong, so to counter the sinking feeling I sometimes get, I just adopt the premise that I'll just accept what comes along. Plus I use xanax.

womb for improvement said...

I haven't got there yet but depending on how things take and how it progresses I might. The thing that I am keenly aware of is that I don't want to look back on my thirties and label it: the decade I wasted trying to get pregnant.

Megs said...

I think I ask myself that question pretty much every flipping day! I keep trying to figure out how far I am willing to go to have a baby, but have yet to fully decide.

Hang in there. There are so many of us out here rooting for each other :)

And one last thing...BCPs are the devil! lol (Im still on them too)

Lea said...

WFI - here, here. I feel the same way. It can't all be in vain.

Sarah, I hope things get better. I go through tough times too, and I've found that they are usually cyclical. Knowing that helps me get through them. Lots of hugs.

KandiB said...

I remember telling my DH many times that I was *this* close to losing it - that he shouldn't be surprised if he had to put me in a looney bin.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

No.

I very rarely and occasionally wonder if in I'm any way sane.

Angry Infertile said...

I am also on Bcps right now. This is the 3rd time I've had to take them since TTC. I am on day 26 of my bcp pack and I have 2.5 more weeks of pink pills to go. This is one long ass cycle.