Thats what I pictured the headlines reading in tomorrows newspaper.
All I wanted was some foot cream....
I'll condense the first portion as its rather boring, and you don't all need to know how dull my life has become...not that you cant figure it out on your own, because Internet you is one smart cookie.
Anyway....lets just say I had some time to kill before heading to the bus stop to get the monkey and I ended up in CVS. Don't tell my employer! She would probably chain me to the counter and pelt me with 10 drams until I passed out all the while shrieking that I was a traitor. So I went to CVS, I needed to get shampoo for the monkey and I figured I would grab some cream for my gator feet while I was there. Seriously folks, in the winter my feet go from cute little feet to scary albino-alligator hobbit feet. Dry, cracked, just w-r-o-n-g. So I wanted to nice foot cream to help a sista out. I wandered through the store, musing at how much stuff we have at Walgreens in comparison to this CVS....I did like their carpets but in a high traffic store such as ours they would be trashed in a matter of days. I noticed that there were no employees on the floor to help wandering customers such as myself, which would have been nice. But I had time to kill so I walked the isles looking for the ever elusive foot cream. No, it wasn't with all the other creams. I looked. Instead...it was in the isle with...
THE BABY STUFF.
And I didn't realize it until I was already amongst the diapers and wipes. The smell hit me first. That baby smell that I cant get enough of. Such a blissful smell. Until today. Today it hit my nose, and made my eyes immediately well up. I looked left, and there were packages upon packages of diapers ranging in all sizes, all of which I don't need. I looked right, and there were all these cute little baby toys and formula and wipes, again....don't need any of that shit. I felt like all the this baby paraphernalia was closing in around me. My heart started thumping, my eyes were getting cloudy, I could feel a hard lump rising in my throat. I was going to freak out. I quickly lowered my sunglasses and bee lined for the foot care (whos brilliant goddamn idea was it to put FOOT CARE, in the fucking baby isle!?) I squatted down and grabbed the first tub O'cream I saw, good enough. I hauled ass up to the register, I mean had I walked any faster I would have been at a dead run. I get to the counter....no one was there.
Kill me. Just kill me now. I'm going to have a meltdown right here in the fucking store. All I wanted was some foot cream. But wait.... theres a bell, and a sign. It said to "ring bell for service". Oh I rang that fucker alright. I think I dented it. And as I'm standing there waiting for the slob in the white jacket to come ring my shit out, I'm envisioning the scene that I am certain it going to take place if she doesn't hobble her ass over to me at a much faster rate. I was going to go back to that baby isle, and start pulling open boxes of wipes and smelling them, I was going to dump out all the beautiful smelling baby powder, and open all the packages of Binkys, rip open every single package of diapers and smell them too(shut up! They have a nice smell BEFORE they are strapped to the ass of a child!) I was going to knock all the formula off the shelves(breast feed people!!) All while shrieking like a howler monkey. I was on the verge of losing my shit. The police would be called and I would be covered in powder and Johnsons & Johnsons baby shampoo. I would be sobbing on the floor. The snot bubble would be back. And I'd get arrested. Not a very pretty mug shot, but damn would I smell good.
Fortunately, the hobbalong made her way over to me before I crossed the line. I managed to hold back the tears, and smile at her. She rang up monkeys shampoo, and then stopped.....oh Christ, she is TALKING to me! Cant she see I'm a woman on the edge? She wants to know about my foot cream. What? What about my foot cream? Is it good? How the fuck should I know. I grabbed the most conveniently located tub of cream I could get my clammy paws around...I didnt want to talk about my foot cream. And so I said to her, "I really don't know...I sure hope so cause I have fucking hobbit feet right now" I think she took the hint that I wasn't feeling chatty.
I managed to make it to the car before actually sheding tears. Lucky CVS.
And so now I'm left wondering, how the hell am I going to buy baby gifts? I need to get one for the drummer in Ks band and I need to get one for my friend who is 6 months pregnant. I think I might need to be drunk to baby shop. Hell, I may as well be. I'm sure as hell not pregnant.