Sunday, March 8, 2009

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

Denial:

All those other woman are having babies. Why cant I?! No one is ever really financially OK. So, if they can do it why cant I? I'll just have to work harder, make more sacrifices, do whatever I have to do to make it work. I can totally make it work! Its not going to be that hard. Right? Right? Exactly! Screw this waiting shit. I want a baby now. I mean I'm 29 now, I don't want to wait until I'm 30 to try to get pregnant again. I'll do, I'll make it work and I'll be fine. Just fine!

Anger:

This is so fucking ridiculous! I've had a baby before. Why the fuck cant I get pregnant? His S/A wasn't that horrible, it should have happened by now!! We're talking over 19 months here! All these people out there having babies that shouldn't be and we cant? Woman who abuse their bodies. Men who have almost more children than they can count on one hand, and no job. Woman, who are pregnant and don't like children. Woman with 4 kids, living on welfare. Woman with several children, all by different men. No jobs, no morals, no right! And then there is us. We have full time jobs. We love our son more than I can articulate. We have our own health insurance. We don't depend on tax payers dollars to feed our child. We are good people who want more children. Its just not fucking fair.

Bargaining:

Maybe if I lose weight....
Maybe if I get another job....
Maybe if I become a better person....
Maybe if I eat organic ALL the time....
Maybe if I take my prenatal vitamins more often....
Maybe if I quit smoking NOW instead of later....
Maybe if I relax a little....
Maybe I should go to church....
Maybe I should start praying....

Then...then can I have a baby? Please?

Depression:

Fuck it all. I'm obviously not meant to have more children. I feel as if I have fallen into a black hole, and I cant get out. All these months wasted hoping to get pregnant. All that money wasted going to the doctor. Money wasted on extremely expensive fertility medications that didn't work. All those invasive procedures I had to go through just because his "boys" cant swim in a straight line, or are shaped funny. All of it was wasted. Wasted opk's, wasted hpt's, wasted time, wasted energy, wasted hope. I have no hope any longer. Its gone.
I call uncle. you win universe. You have officially beaten me.

Acceptance:

And this I suppose is where I am now. Thats not to say that I am not still deeply saddened by the past 19 months because yea, that shit still sucks. But I am slowly becoming a little bit more OK with it. Slowly coming to accept that I may never have more children because of who I married. Slowly coming to realize that you cant get money from a stone, and eventually I'll be OK. Slowly accepting the thousands of dollars worth of fertility medications in my refrigerator may never be used. Its slow. But I feel like I'm hurting a little less. A little.
I will continue to be the best mother I can possibly be to my 8 year old, I will continue to work as hard as I can, I will hopefully return to the me I used to be. I don't like the me I have become. I want to laugh more, cry less and enjoy life. I want to be ME again. And I will. I can accept now, that I have no control of certain things. And it sucks. But I think I'm OK with it.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your post is heart breaking.
But you speak such truth, and your right the only thing you can do is be the best mother you can be to the wonderful child you have.

AmyC623 said...

I think we are having the same thoughts in two separate brains. I am slowly accepting it too. I think out of pocket we've spent about $18K so far. It makes me sick to think of spending any more for something that should cost NOTHING. Not that it's about the money...but....I know you get what I'm saying. It's hard to know what to do with all of this energy, obsession, blood, sweat,and tears we've but into trying to have a baby. I feel like an empty shell of my former self. It sucks that anyone else is experiencing this, and I know you are. That makes me even sadder :-(

Bubba said...

I too have thought the majority of what u have written at one time or another...
I hate having to go through this, i hate that we all have to go through it.
Stay strong for your son, i pray this happens for you !> x x x

womb for improvement said...

You forgot the final one. Solution. It is too early to give up, you'll find away.

'Murgdan' said...

Excellent post. That just about sums it all up...perfectly.

G said...

I'm really feeling for you Sarah :(

Glad that you're feeling closer to the 'acceptance' part, but you're right that it truly sucks.

Lea said...

I agree with WFI. I'm hoping your solution will present itself soon. I'm thinking about you.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

It can be a dark place sometimes.

April said...

This was SO heartfelt and poignant. I'm so very sorry you are going through all of this. I do think about you often, Sarah!

Chelsea Lietz said...

You have every right to feel every one of those things... but I believe it is too soon to accept defeat...

Kalina said...

Things outside of our control are the hardest to accept.
Wish things were easier...
HUGS

Jane G said...

Don't accept defeat yet. I'm eleven years older than you and hell, I'm not giving up yet!

'Murgdan' said...

Hey! To find your keywords sign up for Google Analytics...

There is a section for keywords, and after just a little time it will start to show the ones that list your blog...

Casey said...

"you cant get money from a stone, and eventually I'll be OK.
I will continue to be the best mother I can possibly be to my 8 year old, I will continue to work as hard as I can, I will hopefully return to the me I used to be. I don't like the me I have become. I want to laugh more, cry less and enjoy life. I want to be ME again. And I will. I can accept now, that I have no control of certain things. And it sucks. But I think I'm OK with it."

I have now quoted the only parts of your blog that I am willing to accept reading for you. It is ok that you need a break. It is ok for you to hurt, but not ok for you to ever give up hope or wishing or whatever you want to call it. You are a strong person Sarah. You will find your way

Sarah said...

Anon- Heart breaking....funny I dont think there is much left to break.

Amy- I think we all share certain parts of our brains. Its a sad, painful part...but we all share it.

Bubba- He is the only reason I still have strenght left. He keeps me going and he makes me smile every single day! My kid, my hero.

WFI- You have a solution????

Murgdan- I tried...

G- Sucks hard even!

Lea- Thanks. =)

X- Have I ever mentioned I am terrified of the dark? Seriously, I AM!

April- Thanks hun. I appreciate it.

Chelsea- Not defeat necessarily...I dont really know what to call it.

Kalina- It seems that everything is outside of my control though...how does one deal with that?

Jane- Not really giving up per say, just backing down and hiding for a while.

Murgdan- Thanks! I looked at it...and I got a headache. LOL! I am SO not computer savvy.

Casey- I used to be strong. Not so much now-a-days. I continue to try though. =)