Since I have started to accept that things may not turn out the way I had planned or hoped, and I am not spending as much of my time thinking about these things.....now what?
I have so much more time to focus on me. Yuck.
I am no longer focusing on monitoring my cycles, no more focus on doctors appointments, no more focus on injections and follicles....nothing. I have had entirely way to much time to think about my life. The only problem is I cant seem to come up with a solution to my problems. Ain't that a bitch.
What do I do with me now? I mean obviously, I am still as focused if not more so on my son. Who by the way is the light of my life. But, even immersing myself into him still leaves me with a lot of "what now's".
I think infertility and treatments were huge distractions from the rest of my life....please don't misunderstand, I wanted(who am I kidding I still DO!) a baby so badly that it hurt(s). But I have locked those things up tight. I have frozen them in time, along with my hopes and aspirations of having more children. They are safe in a vault. I can visit them any time I like. But for the most part that is where they stay. Locked up. I seem to be fairly good at locking things up. And only acknowledging them when its convenient for me. Which I guess is a good thing.
I have not given up on anything, I have merely tucked these things away for the time being where they cant be hurt anymore. Safe and sound. Now is the time to fix things.
But how? I honestly cant see any answers. And believe me when I tell you, I have spent MORE than a fair amount of time dwelling on the things that need to be fixed. Its like running into a brick wall over and over and over again. Really quite tiresome.
I am tired, sore, battered, bruised.....and still I keep running. Because something needs to change, and I am obviously the only one who will do anything about it.
And so, operation fixer upper is in progress. And when I say progress I mean, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. And when I say I have no idea what I'm doing I mean, super man if you can hear me....I need a miracle! Quick fast and in a hurry.
Oh, and on one final note, please hurry on over to one of the funniest and most sincere bloggers I have had the pleasure of reading and look at what he's been up to. I know someone famous! =) That makes me feel soooooooo cool.