Wednesday, March 11, 2009

So, now what.....

Since I have started to accept that things may not turn out the way I had planned or hoped, and I am not spending as much of my time thinking about these what?
I have so much more time to focus on me. Yuck.
I am no longer focusing on monitoring my cycles, no more focus on doctors appointments, no more focus on injections and follicles....nothing. I have had entirely way to much time to think about my life. The only problem is I cant seem to come up with a solution to my problems. Ain't that a bitch.

What do I do with me now? I mean obviously, I am still as focused if not more so on my son. Who by the way is the light of my life. But, even immersing myself into him still leaves me with a lot of "what now's".
I think infertility and treatments were huge distractions from the rest of my life....please don't misunderstand, I wanted(who am I kidding I still DO!) a baby so badly that it hurt(s). But I have locked those things up tight. I have frozen them in time, along with my hopes and aspirations of having more children. They are safe in a vault. I can visit them any time I like. But for the most part that is where they stay. Locked up. I seem to be fairly good at locking things up. And only acknowledging them when its convenient for me. Which I guess is a good thing.
I have not given up on anything, I have merely tucked these things away for the time being where they cant be hurt anymore. Safe and sound. Now is the time to fix things.

But how? I honestly cant see any answers. And believe me when I tell you, I have spent MORE than a fair amount of time dwelling on the things that need to be fixed. Its like running into a brick wall over and over and over again. Really quite tiresome.
I am tired, sore, battered, bruised.....and still I keep running. Because something needs to change, and I am obviously the only one who will do anything about it.

And so, operation fixer upper is in progress. And when I say progress I mean, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. And when I say I have no idea what I'm doing I mean, super man if you can hear me....I need a miracle! Quick fast and in a hurry.

Oh, and on one final note, please hurry on over to one of the funniest and most sincere bloggers I have had the pleasure of reading and look at what he's been up to. I know someone famous! =) That makes me feel soooooooo cool.


April said...

Wow, that article Xbox wrote was great...very poignant. He's a great writer!

And you, my dear, will be just fine. I have faith! Keep on taking care of yourself. I'm sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I am thinking of you!

Lea said...

I'm thinking about you too!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

There's no one liner I can throw in here to help, but if I were you, I'd just squeeze that kid extra tight every day.

The rest, hopefully, will follow.

(and thanks)

womb for improvement said...

I don't want to offer anything really trite, like one step at a time etc. But you've had a shocking start to the year so take time.

Kalina said...

Sorry... no answers & absolutely agree with you - infertility takes over life & causes distractions financially and emotionally, but I don't like you accepting this! All your best fertile years are ahead of you - you never know what miracles are around the corner. Hope dies last.
Thinking of you.

G said...

I know what you mean about tests and treatments etc being all-consuming. When I caught up with friends recently, who asked me what I've been upto, I couldn't think of a single thing outside of baby-making.

Hope superman shows up soon to help you out with that progress :)

Hugs x

Casey said...

I just want you to know that I believe in all of you. You will get through this, you will find your way, and I also WILL believe that you WILL get everything you wish for. If what you need to do right now is concentrate on monkey and you, that is what you need to do. The rest will fall in line.

Just Caz said...

What your doing.. takes SO much courage.

Jane G said...

I've no words of wisdom to offer, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. You will get through this hon xx

Sarah said...

April- He is a brilliant writer isnt he? Oh, I know I'll be fine. I just wonder how many more years it will take....

Lea- Thanks hun, I could say the same for you....#3, third times the charm right? =)

X-I think if I squeeze the poor boy any harder, he may explode!
And you are more than welcome.

WFI- The shocks started quite some time ago. This one step at a time malarkey is quite bothersome.

Kalina- What else is there to do than accept?

G- Superman....wouldnt that be nice?

Casey- My little(well, NOT so little) Monkey is my one and only thought right now. Like I said, HE is the light of my life.

Caz- I dont feel to courageous. I feel like a broken little girl.

Jane- Thanks Jane. =)

Lea said...

OK, it's my turn to say it... Psst! Whatcha up to? ;)

Hope things are looking up. ((hugs))