Wednesday, March 11, 2009

So, now what.....

Since I have started to accept that things may not turn out the way I had planned or hoped, and I am not spending as much of my time thinking about these things.....now what?
I have so much more time to focus on me. Yuck.
I am no longer focusing on monitoring my cycles, no more focus on doctors appointments, no more focus on injections and follicles....nothing. I have had entirely way to much time to think about my life. The only problem is I cant seem to come up with a solution to my problems. Ain't that a bitch.

What do I do with me now? I mean obviously, I am still as focused if not more so on my son. Who by the way is the light of my life. But, even immersing myself into him still leaves me with a lot of "what now's".
I think infertility and treatments were huge distractions from the rest of my life....please don't misunderstand, I wanted(who am I kidding I still DO!) a baby so badly that it hurt(s). But I have locked those things up tight. I have frozen them in time, along with my hopes and aspirations of having more children. They are safe in a vault. I can visit them any time I like. But for the most part that is where they stay. Locked up. I seem to be fairly good at locking things up. And only acknowledging them when its convenient for me. Which I guess is a good thing.
I have not given up on anything, I have merely tucked these things away for the time being where they cant be hurt anymore. Safe and sound. Now is the time to fix things.

But how? I honestly cant see any answers. And believe me when I tell you, I have spent MORE than a fair amount of time dwelling on the things that need to be fixed. Its like running into a brick wall over and over and over again. Really quite tiresome.
I am tired, sore, battered, bruised.....and still I keep running. Because something needs to change, and I am obviously the only one who will do anything about it.

And so, operation fixer upper is in progress. And when I say progress I mean, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. And when I say I have no idea what I'm doing I mean, super man if you can hear me....I need a miracle! Quick fast and in a hurry.

Oh, and on one final note, please hurry on over to one of the funniest and most sincere bloggers I have had the pleasure of reading and look at what he's been up to. I know someone famous! =) That makes me feel soooooooo cool.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, that article Xbox wrote was great...very poignant. He's a great writer!

And you, my dear, will be just fine. I have faith! Keep on taking care of yourself. I'm sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I am thinking of you!

Lea said...

I'm thinking about you too!

Martin said...

There's no one liner I can throw in here to help, but if I were you, I'd just squeeze that kid extra tight every day.

The rest, hopefully, will follow.

(and thanks)

Liz said...

I don't want to offer anything really trite, like one step at a time etc. But you've had a shocking start to the year so take time.

Anonymous said...

Sorry... no answers & absolutely agree with you - infertility takes over life & causes distractions financially and emotionally, but I don't like you accepting this! All your best fertile years are ahead of you - you never know what miracles are around the corner. Hope dies last.
Thinking of you.

G said...

I know what you mean about tests and treatments etc being all-consuming. When I caught up with friends recently, who asked me what I've been upto, I couldn't think of a single thing outside of baby-making.

Hope superman shows up soon to help you out with that progress :)

Hugs x

Caz said...

What your doing.. takes SO much courage.

Jane G said...

I've no words of wisdom to offer, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. You will get through this hon xx

Sarah said...

April- He is a brilliant writer isnt he? Oh, I know I'll be fine. I just wonder how many more years it will take....

Lea- Thanks hun, I could say the same for you....#3, third times the charm right? =)

X-I think if I squeeze the poor boy any harder, he may explode!
And you are more than welcome.

WFI- The shocks started quite some time ago. This one step at a time malarkey is quite bothersome.

Kalina- What else is there to do than accept?

G- Superman....wouldnt that be nice?

Casey- My little(well, NOT so little) Monkey is my one and only thought right now. Like I said, HE is the light of my life.

Caz- I dont feel to courageous. I feel like a broken little girl.

Jane- Thanks Jane. =)

Lea said...

OK, it's my turn to say it... Psst! Whatcha up to? ;)

Hope things are looking up. ((hugs))