Dear lady coughing all over my counter,
You my friend, are disgusting. Really and truly. Never mind the fact that you have maybe 3 teeth in your phlegm filled mouth ranging in color from yellow to black. Never mind that your shirt has food on it that I'm certain dates back to at the very least a week ago. I'll even overlook your hair, which I don't think has been brushed, let alone washed for the better part of a month. (I can give you the name of a fantastic stylist if you'd like, though I'm not certain how much she can do for you. She isn't a magician.) I'll ignore all of these things, if you just cover your fucking mouth. You're spraying mucus on my clean counter that I just disinfected from the LAST scum bag that was here and decided to wipe his snotty nose with his hand, and then placed said hand on my goddamn counter.
That wasn't OK either by the way, so don't go getting any ideas.
Seriously. Where the fuck were you raised, that its OK to cough like that without even so much as turning your filthy head away from me? Where? I demand to know, so that I can make sure to stay the hell away from whatever area you crawled out of.
You're a pig from hell. I pretty much hate you. For all that you are, and all the germs you spewed forth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to speak without breathing? Its not easy. Didn't you notice, I never once took a breath while waiting on you? Hello red flag. Did you see me run for the paper towels and disinfectant the moment you waddled your germ laden ass away from the counter? No? Well I did. And I washed my hands. Again. For like the 6,000,000,000th time today. Apparently you aren't alone in your crusade to infect us all with whatever it is that ails you.
Consider this your warning. Cover. Your. Fucking. Mouth. Or the next time, I'll spit on you. Because after all, that is essentially what you did to me. Dirt bag.
The pretty little thing behind the counter that finds you utterly repulsive.
Dear white trash with the filthy screaming child,
You dropped your prescription off with me and I told you it would be about 20 minutes. Coming back every 4 minutes, is NOT going to get it filled any quicker. As a matter of fact, every time I have to stop what I am doing to come and see what it is that you need..makes YOUR wait that much longer. Common sense. Get some. Also, the 15 people that were here before you, they come first.
Regardless of what your shrink may tell you, the world does not in fact revolve around you. I promise it doesn't. Right now, your world revolves around me. Remember that. I am your god right now. So if you want those pain meds anytime today. Step away from my freshly sanitized counter, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. See the rest of the people waiting quietly? Follow their lead. And while you're waiting I'd like to give you a few pointers.
Take a shower. You should be taking one every damn day, but I'm guessing thats to much effort for you. Could we shoot for every other day maybe? Please? For all of us. Just do it. They make some really great smelling shampoos and body washes. I have a bunch of different kinds and I smell fucking fantastic. Wouldn't you like to smell as nice as I do?
Instead of smelling like stale smoke and ass, you too could smell like a goddess. OK, maybe YOU wouldn't. But I do. At the very least we could make you smell human rather than canine. And with all that money you're saving by having me and the rest of the working class pay for your prescriptions, you can afford to splurge on some hygiene maintenance.
Give your kid a bath. Jesus tap dancing Christ. You wanna be a filthy heifer, I guess thats your choice. But seriously? That hot mess thats sitting in the shopping cart screeching loud enough to make my ears bleed, he has no say, he needs a bath! Or at least hose him down in the driveway or something.
Listen, I get it lady, kids get dirty. I have one. I've been doing this longer than you have. And trust me, Monkey has had his days where he was like pig pen. But the great thing about kids is they aren't dry clean only. Know what that means? That means you can wash them every single day, and they don't shrink or lose their shape. You don't have to wait for a special occasion to have him cleaned. Be a pig. Go ahead. But would you at least put just a little effort into being a mother? Asshole. That dirt and mung was days old. Days! Thats so not OK. For shame.
Speaking of your kid...if you don't shut him up, I will. That noise he is making is enough to drive Mother Teresa to murder a bitch. What the fuck is that? Its awful. He isn't crying. I know crying. That shrill sound coming out of his face is a temper tantrum isn't it? Be a mother. Tell him NO. He is a really cute kid if you would just clean him up and teach him some fucking manners.
And last, I'd like you to know...I'm not stupid. I know why you are here. Please don't insult my intelligence my "limping" around my pharmacy acting like you are in an immense amount of pain. You're not. I see people like you all damn day long. I can tell the difference between someone who is truly in pain and in need of medication and an addict/seller. You're just like the rest of the leeches on state insurance. You can get pills for free, and so you do. I'm not 100% certain whether or not you're addicted or if you sell them. I don't really give a rats ass. But please, don't give me your sob story. I don't believe it and I'm not going to feign interest. You're just another low life, white trash welfare mommy. And you're pathetic. Get a job, stop having babies and take a shower. All the rest will fall into place.
And now, you may have your meds. Enjoy them. I'll see you in 2 weeks, when I tell you I cant fill your prescription because its way to fucking early. Dumb ass. Don't you know we keep track of that shit? This isn't your first time. Don't play dumb with me.
Your freshly showered, smelling delicious, goddess of the pharmacy, Sarah.