Monday, May 4, 2009

To whom it may concern.

Dear lady coughing all over my counter,

You my friend, are disgusting. Really and truly. Never mind the fact that you have maybe 3 teeth in your phlegm filled mouth ranging in color from yellow to black. Never mind that your shirt has food on it that I'm certain dates back to at the very least a week ago. I'll even overlook your hair, which I don't think has been brushed, let alone washed for the better part of a month. (I can give you the name of a fantastic stylist if you'd like, though I'm not certain how much she can do for you. She isn't a magician.) I'll ignore all of these things, if you just cover your fucking mouth. You're spraying mucus on my clean counter that I just disinfected from the LAST scum bag that was here and decided to wipe his snotty nose with his hand, and then placed said hand on my goddamn counter.
That wasn't OK either by the way, so don't go getting any ideas.
Seriously. Where the fuck were you raised, that its OK to cough like that without even so much as turning your filthy head away from me? Where? I demand to know, so that I can make sure to stay the hell away from whatever area you crawled out of.
You pig.
You're a pig from hell. I pretty much hate you. For all that you are, and all the germs you spewed forth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to speak without breathing? Its not easy. Didn't you notice, I never once took a breath while waiting on you? Hello red flag. Did you see me run for the paper towels and disinfectant the moment you waddled your germ laden ass away from the counter? No? Well I did. And I washed my hands. Again. For like the 6,000,000,000th time today. Apparently you aren't alone in your crusade to infect us all with whatever it is that ails you.
Consider this your warning. Cover. Your. Fucking. Mouth. Or the next time, I'll spit on you. Because after all, that is essentially what you did to me. Dirt bag.

Love,
The pretty little thing behind the counter that finds you utterly repulsive.




Dear white trash with the filthy screaming child,

You dropped your prescription off with me and I told you it would be about 20 minutes. Coming back every 4 minutes, is NOT going to get it filled any quicker. As a matter of fact, every time I have to stop what I am doing to come and see what it is that you need..makes YOUR wait that much longer. Common sense. Get some. Also, the 15 people that were here before you, they come first.
Regardless of what your shrink may tell you, the world does not in fact revolve around you. I promise it doesn't. Right now, your world revolves around me. Remember that. I am your god right now. So if you want those pain meds anytime today. Step away from my freshly sanitized counter, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. See the rest of the people waiting quietly? Follow their lead. And while you're waiting I'd like to give you a few pointers.

Take a shower. You should be taking one every damn day, but I'm guessing thats to much effort for you. Could we shoot for every other day maybe? Please? For all of us. Just do it. They make some really great smelling shampoos and body washes. I have a bunch of different kinds and I smell fucking fantastic. Wouldn't you like to smell as nice as I do?
Instead of smelling like stale smoke and ass, you too could smell like a goddess. OK, maybe YOU wouldn't. But I do. At the very least we could make you smell human rather than canine. And with all that money you're saving by having me and the rest of the working class pay for your prescriptions, you can afford to splurge on some hygiene maintenance.

Give your kid a bath. Jesus tap dancing Christ. You wanna be a filthy heifer, I guess thats your choice. But seriously? That hot mess thats sitting in the shopping cart screeching loud enough to make my ears bleed, he has no say, he needs a bath! Or at least hose him down in the driveway or something.
Listen, I get it lady, kids get dirty. I have one. I've been doing this longer than you have. And trust me, Monkey has had his days where he was like pig pen. But the great thing about kids is they aren't dry clean only. Know what that means? That means you can wash them every single day, and they don't shrink or lose their shape. You don't have to wait for a special occasion to have him cleaned. Be a pig. Go ahead. But would you at least put just a little effort into being a mother? Asshole. That dirt and mung was days old. Days! Thats so not OK. For shame.

Speaking of your kid...if you don't shut him up, I will. That noise he is making is enough to drive Mother Teresa to murder a bitch. What the fuck is that? Its awful. He isn't crying. I know crying. That shrill sound coming out of his face is a temper tantrum isn't it? Be a mother. Tell him NO. He is a really cute kid if you would just clean him up and teach him some fucking manners.

And last, I'd like you to know...I'm not stupid. I know why you are here. Please don't insult my intelligence my "limping" around my pharmacy acting like you are in an immense amount of pain. You're not. I see people like you all damn day long. I can tell the difference between someone who is truly in pain and in need of medication and an addict/seller. You're just like the rest of the leeches on state insurance. You can get pills for free, and so you do. I'm not 100% certain whether or not you're addicted or if you sell them. I don't really give a rats ass. But please, don't give me your sob story. I don't believe it and I'm not going to feign interest. You're just another low life, white trash welfare mommy. And you're pathetic. Get a job, stop having babies and take a shower. All the rest will fall into place.

And now, you may have your meds. Enjoy them. I'll see you in 2 weeks, when I tell you I cant fill your prescription because its way to fucking early. Dumb ass. Don't you know we keep track of that shit? This isn't your first time. Don't play dumb with me.

Love,
Your freshly showered, smelling delicious, goddess of the pharmacy, Sarah.

Kiss kiss!

18 comments:

Danielle said...

You my friend are fucking hilarious! I LOVED this...I think I might have pee'd myself while reading it! (And now I MUST GO SHOWER!)

Sarah said...

Danielle- I love that I made you pee a little. Thanks for reading!

Just Caz said...

Sounds like work is just getting better and better for you!
- Insert sarcastic tone of voice here.

I hate bitches coughing all over the place, its called manners you feral excuse for a human being.
Fancy that trying to give you swine flu.

As for the woman with the limp, and the grubby little kid.

Have you noticed people who are actually sick, like really sick.. I'm talking the Big C, they dont wail around saying "WAAAAAAA I have cancerrrrrrr everyone look at me"
Where as the stinky mole with the sore foot limps?
As if.. seriously.

Today while I was getting my prescription filled, I totally thought of you.

I smiled at the student pharmastist when she gave me the hell more expensive brand instead of the generic, and I sat in my chair until she called my name.

I did good right??

Casey said...

sounds vaguely familiar. Kind of like what we deal with every night in the ER. Toothache after toothache, sometimes mixed with a back pain. At 3 am. Bull.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Can't get good customer service anywhere these days....

Sarah said...

Caz- You did great! I'm so proud.

Casey- Oh yea, I'm sure you know just what I'm talking about!

X- Please stop making me want to hurt you.

Laura said...

Oh my favorite are the teeny boppers that come in to OB at 2AM on Saturday because they have nothing else to do but listen to the baby. And they drag their whole entire neighborhood to come with. Oh, and while I'm here, I haven't eaten. Can I get a sandwich? Errrr......

Chris said...

I think I love you, but not for long so hurry up.

Sarah said...

Laura- Yea, but at least they are cock smooches. Or are they?

Chris- What? I'm running out of time already? We've only just begun!

April said...

Number 1? People like that are f*cking GROSS!!! I try so hard to stay germ-free so when people practically SPEW it all over me, it IS annoying. I don't blame you for being pissed!

So number 2? She probably lives in the lower income housing near me. Ugh. You know...the ones who drive Escalades with shiny rims...but can't "afford" to get their kids decent winter coats.

Sarah said...

April- I cant even begin to tell you about the fuck ups that come into my pharmacy. Fucking ridiculous. These woman have better clothes than I do! Coach wallets, perfectly manicured fingernails...ohhhh dont get me going!

Deb said...

Dang, I bet the was extremely fun to write!

Sarah said...

Deb- I just call it how I see it. And obviously I would never actually say these things to a customer, so I like to let it out here. That way, I dont explode at work and get myself fired. Y'know?

Gwen said...

Oh wow. Just wow. That was just really satisfying to read.

What's funny is that whenever I drop off my pain med prescriptions at the pharmacy I wonder if the people are thinking, "Well you don't look in pain. Why do you need morphine?" But I don't look in pain because I'm on morphine. So fuck them if they think that, right? Anyway, I'd probably go nuts if I worked at a pharmacy. People would irritate the shit out of me even more than they already do. I hate that I hate a lot of people. But I do. And hey, that includes me so I'm an equal opportunity hater.

Anyway, love your rants. Freaking LOVE YOU in a big way!

Sarah said...

Gwen- Dear sweet Gwen, we could really have some great hate filled rants together. I too hate people, just about all of them. Unlike you though, I dont hate that I hate them. The ones I hate, have earned it.

Sarah said...

Oh, and Gwen...I love you in a big way as well!

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

wanna write some notes to my fellow supermarket shoppers for me?

Sarah said...

Kelley- Yes ma'am!
Dear supermarket shoppers, Get outta the way! Shut your kids up and for gods sake dont park your big fat ass in the middle of the isle and have a conversation. Please dont make me come over there. I dont want to have to bludgeon you with a cucumber, but for Kelley...I would so do it!