You know that feeling right? Its the kind of sick to your stomach, ache in the very depths of your soul, throwupy feeling. And it sucks. A lot.
I just realized I'm about to turn 30 soon. And my husband is going to be 36 even sooner. And while I realize that neither are OLD per say, time is against us. Well, him. But really us as a couple. Getting older is not going to make anything any easier. And before any of you 30-somethings try and crawl up my ass for saying anything about age...just DON'T. Okay, seriously. Don't. I know 30/36 isn't old. I'm not saying you/your spouse is or may be old. Don't make this about you, you selfish, selfish little person!
I'm kidding, you aren't selfish. But really, I'm not calling anyone old, or saying time for you is running out. I'm just saying I feel like the clock is against my husband and I.
I also realized I still have yet to find a way to make time to do fertility treatments. There just isn't enough time in the day for me to figure out how I'm supposed to be able to do them, work full time without pissing anyone off at work, and still be able to spend time with my son. I just don't know how to make it work. Please someone, enlighten me. Please??? I still have not chosen a new RE. I'm scared. Why bother going to one? I cant figure out how the fuck to have time for treatments.
Oh, speaking of new doctors, I called my gynecologist to set up my slightly late yearly pap and guess what? She left the fucking practice. Another fucking doctor, gone. Sonofabitch! The only other female in the practice is booked solid until February. Fucking February. What the fucking fuck?! Now I'm probably going to get stuck with Dr. Fasttalker or Dr. Dryglove. Neither of which thrills me in the least.
Another realization came when I opened the fridge the other day and the boxes of meds stared back at me mockingly. They are going to expire. They don't last forever. Much like my chances of getting pregnant. My chances have a shelf life. I don't know how long it is. I don't have a date, but its not a forever thing. And its scary. And sad. And I don't fucking like it.
I'm stressing. About everything.
Oh and, every other fucking person I see or come into contact with is pregnant. I swear. Its rifuckingdiculous. Mostly white trash, welfare leeches, or people that just shouldn't be allowed to have any kids, let alone the 5 they already have. I'm a bitter, sad little woman. *sigh*
On the plus side of things, my scum bag ex landlord finally paid up. 2 weeks late, after I already had to file some paperwork to have an execution of his financial institution done, another $75.00 later. He decided to just man up. Such a douche bag.